hummingbird358

So my son went almost 2 weeks without drinking. I was so proud of him. He started taking a herbal anxiety pill and it seemed to be working. Today I came home from work early to take him shopping for his last minute stuff for college and I thought he seemed off. The girlfriend was there and we all left. Just the way he held himself I felt he had been drinking. She told me that my son left with his friends for a few hours and came back home at 11am. I had come home at 12 to take them for lunch and shopping. My heart was crushed. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start a fight. I had been looking forward to going with him because he never ever would do anything with me for the past 9 months or so. We went for about 3 hours and he was fine after he ate. I could not really tell he was drinking except for the way he walked and held his head. That is usually my indicator.
Really don't know what my post is for except just venting. He has so much going for him but seems to get sucked back in. He is taking 7 classes this semester and is so driven to finish college early. I know I need to bring it up but afraid to drive him away again. I had spoken to a counselor twice in the last 3 weeks and she kind of told me I was not doing my job. I need consequences if he does it again, etc. I felt like a big failure when I left. Of course she told me it isn't about me. True

CodeJob

Hi Hummer,

I skimmed a few of your previous posts. How long before he graduates? I take it he lives at college?

There are pros to helping him get his degree even if he is ungrateful. Do you help financially? You have him on your health insurance?

What kind of consequences are you open to? What kind of boundaries for you? Stuff you can follow through on for the long term.

Not sure if you are seeing the right counselor for you if you leave feeling like a failure. Have you tried Al Anon parent meeting?

Glad you are here.

hummingbird358

He will graduate December 2015 which is 1 1/2 years ahead of schedule. He took 6 online classes over the summer, 6 classes at his university plus one more online class through another university. He is such a smart young man but so ungrateful, so messed up. THe counselor told me he needs to see a psychiatrist because he has a mental disorder..... He suffers from anxiety and depression which I feel is why he drinks. He is also very pro weed. He intends on moving to Colorado after he graduates... Doesn't seem to care about leaving his long term girlfriend one bit. Yes he is on my health insurance, we pay his phone and car insurance. He was unable to get a job this summer. Had interviews, but no call backs except one and then he failed the drug test due to weed. I don't have much support from my husband, my sons father. THey don't speak and he feels it is normal for a 19 year old college student to drink but drinking alone in your room is not normal. I am not good at confrontation and that is how I guess it got this bad. The more I tried the more he manipulated my mind to seeing he was right. I had gone to alanon meetings about 2 years ago and wished they could have given advice but they could not. I am trying to come up with what to say about him drinking today. I can't be 100% sure but I feel he did just by the "look" he had. Yes, he lives alone in an apartment at college. His girlfriend is about an hour away at her college. I am already worried. The last time he drank he got angry and through his keys against her windshield which cracked it. She came back to him after a day and said she loves him too much to give up on him...... When I spoke to him 2 days after that happened he told me he was done with booze.... so much for that.

CodeJob

Good morning Hummingbird,

That is a nice name you chose for yourself.

Well, you do have the option of not confronting him. I too lose my viewpoint and get tangled up in the quack view of my H during arguments. It turns out that it is not that he is good at arguing, but that I do not value my side as highly as his. I come into any argument more willing to settle bc I am afraid of the possibility of losing him.

I'm sorry his father is not really in a good enough relationship to be if any support right now.

So he has 3 full semesters and possibly a summer session in 2015 left. Does he have any internships that he might be drug tested for? I just heard in the news that most companies in CO are sticking with their drug policies. Understandably a lot of companies want their employees sober/ not using.

I would try to find a parent focused Al Anon meeting. Although they can't give you advice, but you will meet other parents and can talk to them after/before meetings for input.

Personally I would set up a psych eval. Find out if there is a mental illness playing into the poor behavior and choices. But that is probably easier said than done I imagine.

dandylion

Hummingbird....who is paying for his apartment and his tuition?

dandylion

hopeful4

Good Morning.

It's so hard. I don't know all the answers but wanted to let you know I am here, reading this, praying for you and your son. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Tight Hugs!