Yogagurl

While it appears as if I have been offline for a while, I have been lurking silently, reading stories, and kind of drifting internally. I have been complacent and trucking away at my career. At present, I feel I have been hit by a train though, and I felt it beneficial to my sanity to get some things out of my system.
I am a recovering alcoholic, which isn't something I advertise on the “friends and family” forum, but it’s part of my train wreck and I feel it’s necessary to illustrate the picture of my life at present. I was convicted for a DWI recently, as in Monday of this past week. My brother, who is a recovering prescription drug addict (opiates) and heroin addict (I learned this past month) is relocating back to the state I live in and is relying on me to help him with a place to stay, as well as help to find him a place to rent.
My husband has been using crack for over a decade. I honestly have no idea how long he has been using. He put it down when we relocated about a year ago and picked up using opiates – Percocet, Roxycodone, Oxycontin, whatever. I don’t know all the names, but these are some of the names of things I know he uses on a regular basis. While this is not ideal, he has been able to function on these drugs. By function, I mean, he will work, he will do things around the house, he will have conversations (albeit he is all over the place, but it’s something). When he is actively using crack, he is dysfunctional. By dysfunction, I mean he is incapable of doing anything else but using crack. He will not work, he will not eat, he will not sleep, he becomes psychotic, and he becomes completely enveloped in obtaining the drug, using the drug, getting high, coming down, and obtaining, using, high, down, etc. etc. etc. Cycle cycle cycle.
He started using crack again about a week ago. How do I know this? You have opiates and you have cocaine. These drugs affect the pupils of your eyes in two completely different ways. Plus, the psychosis is there – I know when he’s using cocaine. It’s as obvious as getting run over by a car. He’s now dysfunctional. This is cycle #3 in our 4 year relationship. He used obsessively for a year and was in a car accident. He broke his ribs in the car accident and that prevented him from being able to smoke, at first. Plus, he was on a walker for about 6 months. This is when he started snorting pills, which I’m sure he had done in the past and was picking back up since he had a prescription for pain killers and no job/walking ability/mode of transportation to by crack. He started using crack again about 2 months into being back on the job.
Fast forward a year later, and I finally get the promotion I have been waiting for. I can finally get out. I plan to leave him there. He convinces me if he moves, if he is given this chance to escape the area, if he is given a fresh start, he will be able to change. He will stop using crack.
The move breaks his active crack addiction. The opiate addiction picks back up, slowly at first, but escalates into full throttle pretty rapidly. The first place he goes in the morning is to the counter to crush a pill; it’s also his night cap. Fast forward 9 months, he leaves his job and starts working around the same area he was getting crack from. Two weeks into his new location, he’s smoking crack again…
Where does this leave me? I am between a crack addict/opiate addicted husband, a DWI, a brother in recovery from heroin and opiate drug use (I think, can’t really be positive), trying to find a home for myself as my lease is running up at the house the crack addict husband and I currently live in while secretly planning the move and finding a home for my brother as well.

Cheers!

AnvilheadII

yogagurl FIRST. all else second.
get you stopped and staying stopped first and foremost.
let your brother know he needs to work on some arrangements for himself right now. your life is in enough flux. your home isn't really conducive to healthy and happy at the moment.
get out as quick as you can....no dilly dallying.
make sure you have legal reprensentation for the DWI charges.
keep your nose clean, stay out of trouble, do the next WISE thing.

hopeful4

Yogagurl....I am overwhelmed with all you are enduring, and it's not even my life! Goodness, your stress level has to be through the roof.

I am assuming your brother is a grown adult. I would make things very clear that while you will encourage him, you will not be in control of his life nor make his decisions. He has to have ownership for that in his life.

I can only ask who is supporting you?? I think it's well time to put the focus on your needs and wants. Step away from all the drama. If you cannot do that at this second, what plan can you put into place to do so in the future. Remember, it's baby steps.

Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Needabreak

I remember your story and thinking that something didn't make sense, that something was missing.

You sound like you're going through a painful period. But I sense that there is some real honesty and self-examination in your words now, which is a good thing. Because it is from a place of honesty that you can make better decisions and grow out of the unhappy place where you are now. As a "friend and family" of an addict, I stayed stuck for a long time. I didn't make any progress until I started looking at myself and my situation honestly. I was kicking and screaming at first, but eventually I came to acceptance and real growth.

Good luck. Don't turn back. Good things lie ahead if you can just get through the swamp.

Ann

Yogagurl, Anvil nailed it...you first.

You know the drill, get yourself sober and then do what you need to do to stay that way.

Your husband is his own problem, and your brother too.

You first, take very good care of you and take care of business with the DWI.

It may all seem overwhelming right now, but you can do it...one day at a time. That's all it takes.

We're cheering you on girl, I'm glad you brought your "stuff" here.

Hugs

Yogagurl

Thank you for the responses. The thing that is making it so difficult is that I haven't approached my husband with the fact that I know he is using crack cocaine again. I haven't caught him red-handed, like with dope in hand. I can just tell by the way he acts, looks, smells, and his constant leaving the house for hours at a time. I know if I approach him, he will lie. The lies make it worse. Knowing that the person that you married can look you in the face and tell you a lie without so much as flinching. He's been doing it for years. So, I'm harboring all this resentment until I can get out of dodge. I have relapsed in drinking a handful of times in the past 4 years. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have drank in that time. I drove through a road block leaving a wedding and was found out. I haven't touched alcohol since. So, as far as I go, I'm doing OK. As far as support goes, I have a friend. One friend that I can share things with. I can't go to his family because they will be angry at me for telling them. They are happy that we have moved away because they don't have to deal with his antics first hand. Out of sight out of mind and definitely don't tell.

I appreciate the opportunity to vent about these things on here. I've never really blogged or had an outlet online or anything. This is really heartbreaking. The time and time again with faith and hope and support only to be let down time and time again. It's so hurtful. I mean, to the core of the soul, it hurts. When someone is completely consumed by drug use and they put you on the back burner over and over and over. But you stay because you are *&^$ing sick as they are - sick with worry and guilt and sorrow for the addict and their addiction.

How do you approach someone who is using drugs when you know they will just deny it? I mean, I find it almost pointless to even bring it up because he will get defensive and lie through his teeth.

I just keep calling house after house after house looking for place to move, hoping I can get my ducks in a row by the 1st of October, which is when my lease is up here.

Ann

You know your situation better, but I think I would just say "I know you are using and am not willing to debate this with you, I don't need proof, my eyes tell my what I need to know. What I am saying here is that I am not willing to live like this and am considering moving on. That's all."

And then leave it at that. It doesn't have to be a showdown, you can just express your feelings and let it go. If he engages or denies, just walk away calmly or take a walk for a while.

That sets the stage, you have shared your feelings and intentions, that's enough for now.

Do you go to live meetings at all? That might help you find the courage you need too. CoDA and Al-anon were life savers for me and many here.

Whatever you choose to do, or not do, we are here for you and walking with you.

Hugs

Needabreak

For me, I found happiness when I stopped confronting him when I knew he was using, and started detaching from him and his issues, and working on myself instead.

Has confronting him ever brought about positive change before? There's no reason to think that it's going to be any different now. You will only end up wasting your own precious energy while he keeps using.

It's good that you know you know what he's up to. Why not let him keep doing what he's doing while applying your energy to yourself and your own recovery instead?

AnvilheadII

HE knows he's smoking crack, YOU know he's smoking crack. what else is there to say that hasn't been said? besides you don't want to tip your hand and give him any chance to alter your plans.

as it is you are trying to get out - and you should, for your own sanity and sobriety. meanwhile keep yourself safe...crack addicts are a jumpy lot, tend to paranoia and volatile behavior. best to not confront and possibly make things worse.

Txhelp

I agree with the others...why confront the obvious.

Set your plans and move forward away from the drama.

Allow your brother and husband to find their recovery. It's not yours to find.

Prayers to your situation and hope for a peaceful future.

zoso77

YG...nothing to add that hasn't already been said. AnvilHead hits it out of the park (again).

You, your health, and your recovery come first. Remove anything and anyone from your life that jeopardizes that.

Keep us posted.

ddincrisis

I agree with the others, put yourself first. However, I know that is easier said than done. I am always at a constant battle in my mind on whether or not to confront my parents when I notice things. I am getting better about it, but it still happens. Its so hard to watch people you love destroy themselves and not want to yell and scream and shake the **** out of them, but everyone else is right... they ignore our needs and wants and concerns and go about their business doing their drugs, only probably trying to find a better way to conceal it from you next time.

Yogagurl

Thanks for all the comments!!! It's just stupid that there are so many things that just go unsaid. The lies are out of this world. You can tell he wants to say something about what he has been doing but he won't. I'm just playing dumb about the whole thing and find it kind of ridiculous we can't just be real about the whole thing. Like, yeah, I know you are spiraling down AGAIN and I'm sorry about that but this time, you are not taking me with you.

I told his sister, who is the only person in the family who I can tell "secrets" to. I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea for me to tell his family. They don't want to know. Don't ask, don't tell, sweep it under the rug, no one needs to know, keep your dirty laundry to yourself. It's such manure. I understand the concept of addiction and how you continue to do destructive things to yourself despite the consequences of your actions. I am a college educated, professional woman and I am an alcoholic who has suffered greatly from my poor choices. I didn't learn until my 4th DWI that I simply can't drink and drive. So, I get the whole self-destructive thing. But Lord, this is the third go in 4 years, just since he and I have met and the only breaks have been with life altering or catastrophic events that have prevented him from using. The drug addict is so resourceful!!!!! It's like, you have been living like this for a decade and look at you: you made it!!! 10 years of this and you are still here, with a job, with a wife, with pretty things surrounding you. The manipulation that goes with the addiction is emmy winning material. Realistically, the manipulation is the life line.

ddincrisis

I'm with you on that. Their lies are out of this world!!!! Its so hard not to confront them about it or ask why and how, but in reality, nothing will ever get solved from it. They will continue to lie or deflect from the truth. We've all got to learn to not engage them. Its so hard and I am still struggling with it.

Yogagurl

The cat was finally let out of the bag last night when I asked for some money and my AH told me he couldn't give me that much because he "f!@#ed up" some money on cocaine last week. When I got angry about it, he told me what he did with his money is none of my business and he will spend it the way he wants to - "it's not that big of a deal."

About 6 months ago, he was in the market for a trailer (one to haul materials and tools on). I gave him 300$ to pay off the trailer (we keep our finances separate for obvious reasons) so he could bring it home. I am all about supporting him when he is trying to better himself. Recently, he was made an offer to sell the trailer for 500$ and a generator. He took the offer. The money that he went through when he started using crack again was the money that he was paid for the trailer, which in essence was really the money that I had given him for the purchase.

I'm not old fashioned; I don't believe that he should have to support me. But, really? He had to borrow my credit card a couple months back and he was supposed to have paid off the balance. Instead, he offered me 40$ and asked if he could pay me back at the end of the week. Then he gets angry with me because I'm not being understanding of his choices to blow his money on dope. I guess it was his way of turning around the enlargement on me so I seemed like the bad guy. "This is why I don't tell you anything, because this is how you will react." So, the picture is painted that I'm not an understanding wife and I shouldn't be concerned with what he does with his money.

I don't know if anyone has any experience, but is a scenario like this considered "gas-lighting?" Or is it just basic manipulation to somehow get a "get out of jail free" card since he was really trying to portray that I was being irrational about his lying and drug use?

Needabreak

I think it's just a way to get you to shut up when you challenge him. He is clearly going to do what he wants to do, regardless of what you say.

Sorry, I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behavior too.....took me a couple years to realize that he was who he was and that I couldn't change him. If I didn't like it, it was up to me to change my own situation, and that's exactly what I did.