feelsohelpless

Hello, I am new to this sort of thing but here goes. I don't know if this is the right section for this post and it is long but I really don't have anyone else to talk to.
I believe my fiance is an alcoholic. We have been together for about 5 years now, he proposed last year and we are supposed to be married next June. We have already started booking things, our families are so excited etc...
Lately he is getting overly drunk more often. Two days ago he went drinking with his best friend to the local pub, I picked him up a few hours later and he was passed out on the lounge by 7pm. He is 28 years old and has no ambition, still only works a casual job. I am 24 and I have a full time job and clear goals for what I want our future to be but all he wants to do is drink everyday. He is a paranoid drunk. Most of the time he goes walkabout in the middle of the night or tries to drive his car but I hide his keys when he gets really bad. He is one of those people that believe in conspiracy theories and he rambles on and on for hours when he gets a topic stuck in his head. Although he has never been violent, he is very mentally abusive towards me. No one else really knows this side of him, that's why I feel like I have no one to talk to. We come from very different backgrounds, he is Australian and I am Middle Eastern. I left my family to be with him because I was so in love with him and they warned me that he was not suitable for me and my mum mentioned a long time ago that he is a drinker and my parents don't drink at all so it was never a thing that we were brought up around, but his dad is a heavy drinker that's why he doesn't think he has a problem. I know they will say I told you so if I tell them what's going on so I just keep pretending that everything is ok. I just keep going along with our wedding plans to keep my mind off it but in the middle of the night when he gets drunk, everyday, and I am the only one who sees that side of him, I get so scared that that will be how the rest of my life is and I don't want to live with a drunk. My mother actually has a sister who's husband is a violent drunk and she has told me many times that she worries about me, that she doesn't want me to end up like her but I just keep reassuring her that my fiance is not like that and that she has nothing to worry about. He has tried to quit a few times because I have asked him, but he doesn't last more than two weeks or so and then he's straight back there again. I just don't know what to do. Once he has a beer, doesn't matter what time of the day it is, he will have about two every hour untill he goes to bed. He has no problem going through 24 bottles in one weekend. I am worried about his mental state. His father is going through the early stages of alzheimers and I am worried he will too one day. He did get in touch with the local mental hospital and got some counselling but after a few phonecalls and visits, they were no help. He told them he didn't need them and they didn't try anymore. I am so scared, so depressed. The man that I fell in love with isn't there anymore. I still love him deeply, but it's a different kind of love now. I feel like I am just here to look after him.
Sorry this was so long, I guess I'm just after some advice, thanks for reading.

Soberintexas007

Hi feelsohelpless,
Sorry you are going through this situation. It seems as if you are caught in the middle of this b/c you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic who continues to use. I am also caught in this same struggle as you are. Oh my gosh, I can't believe that I am admitting to this right now, but if I knew my husband was going to turn out like this 4.5 years ago when we married, I probably would not remarry him. I am tired of the stress. I am just not ready to leave the relationship. And if I didn't allow him to drink around me, I know that he would find a way. I am also not ready to make an ultimatum. After reading your post, it seems that this thing will just get worse and put more stress on you. But I don't know if you are able at this time to call off the wedding, which would be a very difficult thing to do. As for me, I just do all that I can to get through his 2 days off with minimal drama, and then I can have a worry free week, as he does not drink during the work week (but that just may be b/c we live with my parents and they would not permit him drinking during the week). I hope things get better for you.

feelsohelpless

Hi justbreethe1980,
I'm glad? I'm not alone, that someone else is going throught this. The reason I hesitate to call off our wedding is that our lives are so intertwined already and I am afraid of people will say if I do and because no one else knows this side of him, will they even believe me?

Soberintexas007

Yes, that is true. Even though you are not married, you are just as intertwined as us married people, which makes this all so difficult. Personally, I don't really care what others think or whether people believe me or not, but if you do, that is something you are probably going to have to work through.

Catherine628

Hi. It sounds like your family has seen warning signs in your fiance. I'm sure they would believe you and support you.

Do you really want a life where you have to hide things and pretend to be happy while your fiance drinks? Taking care of a drunk is no fun.

Have you considered counseling or al anon to help you sort out your feelings? I'm sure you feel intertwined now but imagine down the road being married, having kids.

Good luck.

Recovering2

We all get this one precious life. There are no "do overs". You are young, and have many years ahead of you. Is this the life you envision for yourself? This is a progressive disease, it does not remain static or stable. So he WILL get worse and things WILL get worse. Do you want children? Read in the Adult children of alcoholic forum, you will see how damaging an alcoholic parent is to a child.

This disease has a tendency to isolate those of us who become involved with an A. Others rarely know what is happening in our home, our relationship. We usually don't want people to know the truth, so we pretend for the sake of others. That does not lead to happiness. What matters is YOUR life, not what others may or may not think about your choices. We learn a saying in AlAnon, "Your opinion of me is not my business." It just means that we need to focus on our wants and needs, regardless of what others may think. It does sound like your family has seen the red flags, and I bet they would rather see you call off a wedding and save your sanity that see you in a miserable alcoholic marriage.

feelsohelpless

Hey everyone,
The night after my fiance passed out yet again from overdoing it on the beers, I sat him down and tried to have a serious discussion with him.
I told him how I was afraid of what our future might be like id he doesn't stop drinking, I told him how I knew what it was like to grow up with a father who was addicted to something (gambling in my dads case) and how it was not fun to go without and how I would here my mum crying at night because my dad chose to be at the club until 4am every night instead of coming home to us.
Then I asked him how it was to grow up with his alcoholic father, he didn't have much to say but he has told me previously that he too had a hard childhood.
So why, I asked him, why would you want to put your future children through that? To which he replied, I'm not like my father, I don't have a problem, I can quit anytime I like!
His reason for drinking so much is that he has a physical job and he comes home in pain and stressed and alcohol helps him sleep, I have pointed out that alcohol is a depressant and it's not that he's sleeping, more like passing out.
I have a stressful job too, I am a care worker for the aged and disabled and I know what it is like to work hard then come home and not be able to sleep at night because I'm thinking of work. I come home every night pretty late after helping other people all day, people who actually need it, to have to deal with him aswell?
So he has not had a drop of alcohol for the past two nights now, he hasn't said he will stop, he just hasn't had any.
So I don't know. I've been a zombie for the past few days, can't think about anything else other than this. I guess I just keep holding onto the "what if 's".

CarryOn

Welcome, feelsohelpless. I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are wise and strong to start looking for answers to your questions now. Ultimately, your fiance is the only one that will be able to address his drinking and get sober. I know this is hard to accept but it is the truth.

Please read the stickies on the F&F page, there is a lot of excellent information there. I also recommend attending an AlAnon meeting (or 6) for some face to face support.

Alcoholism is progressive. It is also a family disease...as others have mentioned you are effected and any future children will be effected. You will need to keep your strength up to live with it so best to identify those resources now.

There are many sayings you will hear here and at AlAnon. One that clearly applies is "more will be revealed"...you say your fiance has not drank in two days, that is great. See where he is in two weeks. Another one that I've found helpful is "don't just do something, stand there"...this helped me realize it was okay to stand still, allow myself to process my thoughts and feelings, etc. before taking any action. You don't have to make any decisions right away...but good for you to start asking questions and understanding what you are dealing with.

I wish you the best in your journey.

53500

feelsohopeless, so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your instincts, your common sense or whatever you want to call it is warning you, big time, to STOP this now while you can. As hard as it may be now it will be harder if you marry and harder still if you have children.

It seems very clear what your future holds with him. I am so sorry but it looks like a very hard road if you marry him. I read your later post and see he has not drank alcohol for two days, well that's a start and I hope he can stick with it. Whether he does or not - take care of yourself and read the many very informative and helpful posts in this forum.

feelsohelpless

So tonight when I got home from work I started planning what I was going to say to him, I was already getting emotional just thinking about it and I had already cried enough today!
Anyway, when he got home, we sat down and as soon as I looked at him, I just got so overwhelmed I couldn't hold it in any longer and I just said all the things that were on my mind.
I was crying so much that he started to cry, silently though. Tears were just streaming down his face. He said he was trying, I said I could see that and I am very proud of him for doing so but I still wondered how long it was going to last.
Then he gave me an out. He said do you even want to be with me, is there even a point in quitting if you're just going to leave me anyway? I didn't take the out, maybe I should have. I reassured him that yes I did still love him and yes we will get through this together.
Anyway, he's gone to his parents house to talk to his mum about the situation so who knows what will happen now.

aslon

Hi feelsohopeless,
Sorry to hear your story..I can certainly relate to you. I do not like that 'out' option though..something sounds off, "is there even a point in quitting if you're just going to leave me anyway?" if I was wanting to re-assure my partner of something I would not say something like that - would you? Let us know what happens

Rosiepetal

Welcome to Sr, there is lots of support here for you.
Please educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism.
There comes a time in your life when you need to focus on your own recovery & happiness & no-one deserves to be abused in any form.
Unfortunately you can't make him sober, he is the only one that can.
Many of us have been on the rollercoaster you are currently on & we will help in any way we can.

53500

By this he means, why should he stop drinking if you're going to leave him?

It's a rather manipulative statement. It puts the burden on you to stay with him or else he keeps drinking.

HHTexas

You sound like me 9 years ago. I was engaged to an alcoholic. The wedding plans were in full swing. Kept everything together on the outside... I came here and was warned to run. Fast. But I married him (he went to treatment several times). And here I still am, except with a baby. He's sober most of the time but is moody and unpredictable, has managed to keep a good job, but I'm miserable. Anxious, timid, uncertain, worried for my sweet son. I wish I had been striong enough to walk away back then and marry a nice, plain jane guy. Marry if you must . But you are worth so much more!!

feelsohelpless

Than you everyone for your replies, they have been invaluable xo

NWGRITS

Are you prepared to keep dealing with this for 5, 10, 15+ more years? That's what you're looking at. His words are just that, words. And they're manipulative ones at that. Don't listen to him, watch him. Pay attention to what he does. Actions will tell you the truth. He's got you hooked and he knows it. If you marry him, strap yourself in tight because you are in for one hell of a ride.

Rosalba

Sweetie... it's a horrible dilemma when you've turned your life upside down to be with a man, sacrificed many things - and then realise your fiancé is an abusive alcoholic. It's not true nobody else has seen this side of him - your parents are already well aware of this, and you can bet that others have some idea of what he's like, too - especially if he starts his paranoid ramblings in public. Your parents are frightened for you, and want the best for you, even if they express it in a way you'd prefer they didn't. And that's a big IF; they'd most likely be too relieved to crow to you about it.

I was in a comparable position to you, and also thought that nobody else knew what he was like, until we split up. Then my friends, some of whom had only met him once or twice, told me that they'd been really worried for me, and HIS friends were amazingly supportive of me.

Rather than worrying about what people will say if you break up with him, think ahead to what HE will actually DO if you don't break up with him. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive - but his history of domestic violence suggested that there would have been more on the way if I'd stayed.

I'm also guessing that you're judging yourself far more harshly than anyone else would. This is your life, you will have to live with the decisions you make, and your own wellbeing is far more important than the fleeting judgments made by people who don't know what your situation is. That's if 'people' are actually making these judgments in the first place.

chicory

Feelsohelpless,

This is a hard situation, but thank goodness you are seeing it before you go through with marriage..by the way, it's never too late to cancel wedding plans, as hard and sad as it may be! Never think that its too late to protect yourself, your future children, and your life...its so precious and goes so quickly.

I am a child of alcoholics and I know that it just consumes everyone in the home, seems the drinker has the most fun, as they may be oblivious to the pain around them while they are drunk. When they are sober, they denied any problems, and especially any responsibility. my parents did not stop drinking until they ruined their health,long after we were out of the home. I still suffer the consequences of their drinking...low self esteem, poor boundaries, anxiety, and so on. My siblings have struggles as well. I am in my 60's.

so, its something to consider. You are very wise to be worrying about his drinking. His asking if you are going to leave anyway? He is wondering if there is really any reason he should try, if you are leaving anyway. That means he does not want to quit. Until he does, he won't .

You are a hard worker, and want good things. Don't give up on what is important to you in this world. You are young and strong and smart. Don't let someone's addiction bring you down to live in their he!!.

keep posting. it will help.
hugs,
chicory

Debbyjay

So sorry to hear what you are going through. But if you think calling off an engagement is awkward and painful, try calling off a marriage. Divorce is horrible! But living with an active alcoholic is even worse. Don't marry this guy! Turn around and run!

Debbyjay

Oh, this is an old post! What happened?