First Time Post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
First Time Post
Hi,
I have been reading the posts for about a week now and have decided to post. I am married to an AH, and we live with my parents (I am 34, he is 37) while I am still finishing my internship, which I will be done with this Dec. I am an alcoholic myself and recently relapsed, but have now been sober and committed to my sobriety since July 29th, 2014.
I noticed that when I was drinking, all went to complete chaos with my husband, as he ended up drinking more, and I was not there to be the strong rock for him as I was before when he was drinking. When I am not drinking, there seems to be less chaos with him, and I am able to better manage him if he gets out of control.
He recently got a public intoxication, and he told my family and his that he would stop drinking, as he got very belligerent with my mom and the police that night. Then again, I believe that if I had not been drinking, things would not have turned out the way they did, but that is that and I cannot change that. I am now the only one he drinks around, as no one else wants him drinking. During the week when he works, he does not drink, and that is when everything is hunky-dory. He has two days off each week, and we spend them always together. In the past month since his arrest for public intoxication, he has moderated his drinking to no more than 3 beers on one occasion. He has basically been good, but even when he does have a couple beers, they seem to already exacerbate an irritable, angry mood that he struggles with.
Now that I have been sober for close to a month, I feel that I can keep things under control with him (for example, helping him cool down when he is angry, and also helping him keep his beers to a minimum). I love my husband so much, and he tells me he loves me all of the time. I want the best for him, and I do not want to see him get into trouble.
So, I guess you could say that as of right now, things are "on the fence" with his drinking. Because of this "on the fence" feeling, I am often worried and feel a bit anxious. He has thankfully never been physically abusive, and says that he would never lay a finger on me.
So what is my plan as of now:
(1) I need to stay sober
(2) Try my best to keep him to 0-3 beers and no more. I think he even wants this for himself.
(3) If he does have a couple beers and becomes nasty, don't engage with him and make it worse. It will calm down. It is my choice if the other quality time I do spend with him is worth these nasty altercations.
(4)I hope on continuing to read these posts and keep everyone updated for support.
I have been reading the posts for about a week now and have decided to post. I am married to an AH, and we live with my parents (I am 34, he is 37) while I am still finishing my internship, which I will be done with this Dec. I am an alcoholic myself and recently relapsed, but have now been sober and committed to my sobriety since July 29th, 2014.
I noticed that when I was drinking, all went to complete chaos with my husband, as he ended up drinking more, and I was not there to be the strong rock for him as I was before when he was drinking. When I am not drinking, there seems to be less chaos with him, and I am able to better manage him if he gets out of control.
He recently got a public intoxication, and he told my family and his that he would stop drinking, as he got very belligerent with my mom and the police that night. Then again, I believe that if I had not been drinking, things would not have turned out the way they did, but that is that and I cannot change that. I am now the only one he drinks around, as no one else wants him drinking. During the week when he works, he does not drink, and that is when everything is hunky-dory. He has two days off each week, and we spend them always together. In the past month since his arrest for public intoxication, he has moderated his drinking to no more than 3 beers on one occasion. He has basically been good, but even when he does have a couple beers, they seem to already exacerbate an irritable, angry mood that he struggles with.
Now that I have been sober for close to a month, I feel that I can keep things under control with him (for example, helping him cool down when he is angry, and also helping him keep his beers to a minimum). I love my husband so much, and he tells me he loves me all of the time. I want the best for him, and I do not want to see him get into trouble.
So, I guess you could say that as of right now, things are "on the fence" with his drinking. Because of this "on the fence" feeling, I am often worried and feel a bit anxious. He has thankfully never been physically abusive, and says that he would never lay a finger on me.
So what is my plan as of now:
(1) I need to stay sober
(2) Try my best to keep him to 0-3 beers and no more. I think he even wants this for himself.
(3) If he does have a couple beers and becomes nasty, don't engage with him and make it worse. It will calm down. It is my choice if the other quality time I do spend with him is worth these nasty altercations.
(4)I hope on continuing to read these posts and keep everyone updated for support.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,678
Hi Justbreathe, welcome to SR.
Congratulations on a month sober, also.
I was the drinker in our family and I know my husband couldn't limit what I drank, I would hide it, lie about having alcohol then drink when he was asleep. I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop.
What I'm trying to say is you can't control his drinking. He has to want this himself and he has to do something about it, you can't be his drink monitor. He's at the grown ups table, now.
Congratulations on a month sober, also.
I was the drinker in our family and I know my husband couldn't limit what I drank, I would hide it, lie about having alcohol then drink when he was asleep. I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop.
What I'm trying to say is you can't control his drinking. He has to want this himself and he has to do something about it, you can't be his drink monitor. He's at the grown ups table, now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 215
I myself am a newbie here and I can't tell you how amazingly comforting, inspiring and educational SR has been. I'm glad you had the courage to post and share your story. Congrats on your sobriety and your recovery efforts, all the best luck in the world to both you and your husband😊
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Mags1,
Today I was successful at controlling his drinking by controlling the environment we were in. I know for sure he only had the 1 beer today. But, ultimately, you are probably right in that he has to do this for himself. But I think his goal is to moderate and not stop altogether.
Today I was successful at controlling his drinking by controlling the environment we were in. I know for sure he only had the 1 beer today. But, ultimately, you are probably right in that he has to do this for himself. But I think his goal is to moderate and not stop altogether.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
As an alcoholic yourself, you realize there is no "moderation" for the A. That will never work in the long term, and you are in for a very bumpy difficult journey as long as you try to "control" anything related to his drinking. The first thing we learn in AlAnon is called the 3 C's. You didn't Cause the disease of alcoholism, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. When you spend your time trying to control the drinking/behaviors/environment of an alcoholic, you are not respecting their own right as an adult to make decisions for themselves. Even bad decisions.
While AA can help you with your own sobriety, I would suggest that AlAnon is a great place for you to learn how to deal with your husband's disease. Those meetings are full of people who thought they could somehow control their alcoholic as well. You will find support and wisdom as you move forward.
While AA can help you with your own sobriety, I would suggest that AlAnon is a great place for you to learn how to deal with your husband's disease. Those meetings are full of people who thought they could somehow control their alcoholic as well. You will find support and wisdom as you move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Thank you for the reply Recovering2. My husband does not seem ready to quit, and I am not ready to leave any relationship. All I can do at this time is try and minimize the drama and trouble, which you are right will be bumpy. But if he wants to drink and drive, of course I am going to try and "control" him and support him in giving up the keys. I may not be respecting this adult decision, but I believe I am doing the right thing.
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