bukowski

I'm sure I'm not the only person here who has worked/is working a job that requires dislocating your emotions.

Doctors, soldiers, paramedics, nurses, doctors, police etc. Many more jobs.

I feel like there might be a few of you.

I really need some kind of help - existential help - I suppose.

At the moment I'm going through psychotherapy for PTSD with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. It's a ridiculous joke because, though I know these people are trying to help me, they can't. Certainly, they do some things well. They're great at their jobs, but they know nothing of life in a warzone. They know nothing of feeling death every day. It's different.

I'm a doc, I've worked for aid organisations. Basically, I don't see any ******* point in living. Ultimately. Because you pray that your 8 year old nephew doesn't screw up his clarinet solo at school, and simultaneously a child will be blown apart in Syria. I can't understand. And it hurts.

LastMistake

I'm sorry to hear things are rough Bukowski. I may not have the same experiences you do but I totally agree that sometimes it is really hard to say "what is the value in any of this?"

I know that when I would read about how awful things are in different parts of the world it made getting drunk easier, after all, what was the point?

I suppose all I can offer in terms of support is this. Perhaps, there is no inherent meaning to life. It is possible to live, simply breathing. I guess the challenge is to find something that has meaning to you, something that makes life worth living. No it may not change the world, but if you are able to be a good influence even on one other person, if you can help change one life, than there is still hope.

I know it hurts. But you are not alone

PurpleKnight

I remember seeing a documentary a while back about diseases and bacteria, the idea that these small organisms do what they do regardless of having any awareness of the greater universe, in other words they continue living because they can, and they do their thing each day, life for the sake of life itself!!

I think that's our problem as humans, self awareness, and so we try to find a point to everything, or life itself, rather than just go along for the ride!!

I'm not a big believer in much when it comes to faith, which is probably why that particular documentary struck a chord, as like yourself I watch the news and the whole experiment of life doesn't seem to make much sense, my self awareness can be detrimental at times!!

Hang in there bukowski, the first thing I needed to sort out was my drinking, and then even though everything in the world still was a bit crazy, at least I was able to deal with it with better tools rather than reaching for alcohol!!

Shining~Again

I wrote a book of a post. It seemed like way too much for here.

Just wanted to say that what caught my attention
was diagnosis of PTSD.
Something I know about. Been in therapy a bit over 4 years.

Main issues at beginning were distrust, fear, anger, confusion, not feeling connected to anything or anyone. Major reactions to people that got to close to me (proximity) when I had to be out of the house. Borderline hatred of certain people/illnesses.

4 years later, I can say the therapy wound up doing a world of good. They're usually pretty educated on PTSD stuff. I hope that you are open to continuing to go.

It took longer than I expected to start doing better. Still have my "triggers" but I cope a billion times better these days.

bukowski

Not saying you don't meet this; obviously don't know enough about you.

I'm specifically looking for people who have had traumatic experiences whilst performing a job. I feel like there are different nuances to the circumstance when you're paid for your trauma, when there are clauses of confidentiality whether local or diplomatic.

Even without tricky legal bits, developing PTSD or simply having a traumatic experience as part of a job is a very weird place to be. Looking for how people have dealt with that, their family's and if they've been able to return to that workplace.

Verte

What has worked for me:

1. beta blocker
2. stop fighting everyone, everything around you (UMass Amherst mindfulness)
3. basic needs: sleep. eat. hydrate. friendship.
4. no alcohol.
5. EMDR therapy for managing triggers.
6. Expect the unexpected. Dehumanization, demoralization, depersonalization.
7. Let family and friends in on your struggle, as comfortable.
8. Minimize intensity of life. Do everything in your power to get out of ER/Syrian service.
9. Forgive yourself (and the world, while your at it).
10. Do good things for yourself. Little things. Often, repeatedly.
11. Do not endure alone. Isolation and retreating is instinctive yet counter-productive. Cerebral effort/override of instinct.

This is not medical advice. Just my experience.

HeartsAfire

Can't stress #5 enough. Not to be overly dramatic, but EMDR therapy saved my life. I had PTSD related to childhood abuse and a discovery that my then-husband was a sex addict and had lived a double life that no one knew about for 10 years.

The rest on this list are awesome in their own right too - especially 7 & 11.

Best of luck to you. Please keep in contact with us and let us know how you're doing. We care about you.

zerothehero

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain. - Emily Dickinson

You have skills and you have a purpose. You can do this, Bukowski.

bukowski

I'm aware I started this thread ages ago and I despise myself for the needless bump, but I hadn't checked back in until now.

Just wanted to say you really cheered me up. I'm a poetry fanatic but I tend to drown myself in the melancholic. This was a beautiful slice of respite. Thank you very much That meant more than you will ever realise.

hopeful4

My sister heads up PTSD counseling services for Highway Patrol officers. They really stress the importance of EMDR therapy. She was so surprised at how much it has helped many of the police. Also, continued talk therapy (I am sure there is another name but that is basically it), no alcohol, ENOUGH SLEEP, and not isolating yourself.

I wish you the best. I am sorry you have been through so much.

bukowski

Your sister is a saint - no hyperbole. Seriously. What a thankless, horrible job. I imagine she's lucky to have you - not that I know you, but you seem to have some understanding of the process.

I've never progressed past phase three of EMDR therapy without throwing a chair through a window. That's not a joke. I've literally thrown chairs through windows.

I know I should be talking about this with a therapist and not typing it on a ******* addictions forum, but I also feel absolutely pathetic.

Normal, western people I speak to about my experiences totally indulge me. They talk about how horrifying my experiences in active warzones must be. They tell me how brave I must have been to pick shrapnel out of screaming children.

But I can leave whenever I want. I can, in any instant, pack up my **** and go home to London. I can leave. I can wash away the tears in a warm shower. And they can't. Those children I leave behind, they can't simply call it quits. They can't. They can't escape.

How can I not hate myself for that? Really, how? I can afford and Audi whilst some poor child can't afford a malaria vaccination. How can I live with myself?

This isn't survivors guilt. This is the worst anguish I've ever felt.

Apologies for the stupid rant that, in part, is an attempt to justify my own hypocritical self-destruction.

hopeful4

Don't apologize for venting, that is what this board is for. It's good to get out your feelings.

I struggle with these same issues, not to your extent of course as I have never experienced the horror of what you have went through. I do however have huge struggle with just living here in the US, having a car, having nice things. There are people starving out there with no roof over their heads. How can we not be the most selfish beings alive?? I just don't know what to do about it necessarily.

You have a skill that is needed. You are a person that is needed. Please take good care of yourself and realize that for you to self destruct is not the thing to do. You can take this energy and move forward and help others in need. Pour your heart and soul into what means a lot to you.

I wish I had all the answers. I am here, reading this supporting you.

Take good care!

LBrain

I wish I could offer anything insightful. Some are able to turn off the switch and some are not. Hang in there and know that what you do is honorable. Some are chosen to do this kind of work. Most people have no real knowledge of the world around them let alone what goes on in the hidden parts of the world. You have been blessed - or cursed - with this experience. Know that your life matters to the many unknown souls that have crossed your path. I wish peace for you.

trachemys

Why would you hate yourself for the world around you? Did you make it so?

It ain't pretty to look at but this life is what we have. That you can go and make a difference in other peoples lives is a blessing to you and them.

Sometimes you have to compartmentalize. And some compartments have to be closed forever. It can be the only way to get through.

bukowski

That's exactly my problem. It feels absolutely heartless to live so comfortably when so many people live in abject poverty. Wealth distribution seems so inhumanly unfair, and yet so many people have never given it a second thought. But then I must be a total hypocrite, because I'm not giving 50% of my wealth to others, and I enjoy satellite TV.

I'm the same as you, though. I don't know what to do. And I don't want to abandon my comfort unless everyone is doing it (because I'm human, and humans are inherently ****).

I became a doctor, purely so I could call myself a doctor (power, prestige, douchebaggery, recession-proof). And then I worked in the saddest places on Earth.

ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING. I'M SERIOUS.

I was with a girl in Mogadishu as a physician with an NGO, and she had been raped so savagely that she was going to die. I knew it and she knew it. She asked me (through translators) if she was going to be okay.

I told her (again, through a translator) that yes, of course she was going to be okay. I smiled the tightest, most physically laborious smile I've ever attempted as I watched her die in my arms. I don't know if she believed me, but I remember that, in that moment, I regretted ever becoming a doctor.

So to anyone wanting to be a doctor, the best advice I can give is that you will have to lie through your teeth, though you know a devastating truth. Perhaps you ethically shouldn't, but no one but a doctor/nurse can judge the ethical disclosure decisions of doctors. You don't know pain until you've told parents that their child will die and they can't do ****.

Again, such rambling *embarrassed*. Sorry :/