lillamy

It never ends. I'm fine. We're fine. But one of my kids came home today and told me her best friend had confided in her that "my dad hits my brother and my mom all the time when he gets drunk and angry."

So I listened. The mom has left twice, and returned twice. She's got her escape bag packed. From my own experience, I know that when you get to the point where you have that bag packed, you're ready to beat it the next time it gets nasty in the house.

My daughter asked me, "if they have to run away, can they come to our house?" I told her absolutely. We can't have them live with us forever, but just like there were people who took us in when we needed it, we will be more than happy to be those people for her friend's family if necessary.

We told her that if her friend texts her at 2 am and says she's scared and dad is beating mom again, come wake us up and we will go get them. And I said to her that your friend is very lucky to have you as a friend, because you know exactly what she's going through, don't you?

She said, "Yes. And I've told her it's OK to love your dad and still not want to be around him. And that it's also OK to not love your dad if he's being an a*****e."

Of course, this is bringing up all the stuff that DD has tried to stash away and not deal with. But it's also helpful for her to be able to be there for her friend, and see that we're not alone in dealing with dysfunction, and that we can be an example of how it is actually possible to get out and build a new life.

I'm going out for coffee with the mom next week. I hope I will get an opportunity to tell her my story. And share the hope that there is a life on the other side of the hell she's currently living. It just breaks my heart every time I meet a new person who's dealing with the fallout of someone else's alcoholism.

jarp

I'm so sorry that the is another family going through this, and sorry it's bringing up stuff for your daughter (who by the way, sounds like an amazing human being). I just want to acknowledge what a wonderful thing youmare doing, and I too hope I can 'pay it forward' one day too.

I know the first time someone else opened up to me about what they'd been through helped me SO SO much, it gives so much strength to know you are not alone, and to see first hand what it means to come through the other end.

LadyinBC

I feel a great deal of sadness when I read some of these threads. And a great deal of anger that women are being abused and there is so little help for them.

There needs to be more help for these women to get out of these situations, it should not be so hard for them to leave. If the government can bail out Wall Street, they can help these women.

Mags1

Oh lillamy I'm so pleased you and your daughter can be there for this lady and her children.

Gosh, memories came back of when I was a child and my dad, under the influence, got so violent we fled to my mums friend, just for the night. I lay on her sofa worrying my sad would hurt my cat all night.

Down with alcohol.

FireSprite

This is just so tragic Lillamy, but also an amazing opportunity for your daughter to turn a corner in her own recovery. I'd bet that in helping her friend (even simply by being a shoulder to lean on), she'll surprise herself at how far she's come. It changes things somehow when we go from hearing it in our own heads & talking amongst our own damaged circle of family/therapists vs. stepping out & hearing ourselves interact with others & the advice we find ourselves sharing.

I'll be saying an extra prayer for her friend & mom, I hope they are able to remove themselves from this insanity soon.

hopeful4

You are a good friend and a superb momma .

XXX

Hammer

You are familiar with "Duty to Report?'

lillamy

Hammer, the system is already involved. Mom is covering for dad.

Thumper

Would the daughter cover for him? I'm a mandatory reporter through my job and reporting was my first thought too. The reports add up either way. I know it gets complicated. It is wonderful that you and your daughter are there for this family. Your daughter is a great person/friend.

Hammer

Amazing on that at times, huh?

School (counselor(s), teachers, etc.,) involved, too?

lillamy

Law enforcement/CPS are already involved. And that's the worst time. When that is going on and the mom doesn't leave. Because I know it gets worse and more dangerous at that point. I don't know this woman, but I feel her (I was her). She may be sitting on pins and needles waiting for a spot to open up in a DV shelter. If that's all that's holding her back, they might as well move in with us until one does.

Hammer

Have watched some come through Alanon as Court Ordered (yeah, Alanon -- Court Ordered) where the Mom does not even get the kids back (from Foster or other family) under she has completed a year of Alanon.

Basis is that she would not get the kids away/protect them from the Abusive A Dad, so the Court figured out that she had/was part of the problem, too.

Sort of used to seeing that come through the AA side with what they call a "Nudge from the Judge," but I sat with and signed-off for one Mom a good chunk of last year in Alanon.

hmmmm. She got her kids back last Thanksgivinig. Hope all is well for them.

AnvilheadII

lillamy - please be very thoughtful about just racing over in the middle of the night into a volatile situation - if this guy has no problem beating his wife and his CHILD, he certainly wouldn't think twice about harming any "rescuer" as well. it's so sad that she keeps going back....tragic.....and it's an awful situation for any child.....just make sure YOU don't end up as collateral damage ok????

lillamy

Thank you, Anvil -- we wouldn't go without the cops. Ever. Even armed and dangerous.