PAINLESS66

Broke 153 days today and if ever i wanted to break weak and pick up that cursed needle it was last night but GOD has my back and has blessed me and all of you too with FREE WILL. In my past when my anger would always get the best of me i would simply buy a bundle and shoot the anger right away... The devil is always knocking on my door tempting me as he tempts all of you... Last night i was laying in bed around 2:30-3 am and i was thinking very hard about my ex lady when her ears must have been ringing enough to where she called me. I thought it was a dream... I mean... Havent spoke to her in months and then when I think of her like I do 20xs a day without fail my phone rings and its her... I didnt pick it up because Ive nothing to gain from an angry intoxicated ex love of my life even though I still love her extremely... I just know what her anger is like and i didnt want to hear how much she hates me and that she gave me all of her and i gave her nothing... blah blah blah... She is 100% correct. she gave me her all but the addict in me couldnt return that love the way she needed it returned. I blame myself fully. I hold nothing against her what so ever. Her leaving me made me finally realize what i needed to do. at first like many other desperat addicts I put on a show that i was getting clean for myself when all in all i was just doing the clean thing to get her back. for months i did all i could do to prove to her that i could be clean and stay clean but it was a front and one she saw right through too. But oneday it clicked in my brain that i gotta do this for myself and keep myself first always... took me months to figure that out but at least i figured it out... lol... I ALSO WORK EXTREMELY HARD ON NOT LYING. I TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW MUCH I KNOW IT WILL HURT SOMONE AND I DONT DO SHADY THINGS WHERE I NEED TO LIE. When my ex called me my current lady was laying next to me in bed and she asked me who was blowing up my phone... almost lied and said... NO ONE BABY... WRONG NUMBER... I lie at times to protect others feelings but no sooner then i thought to lie i felt that feeling in my stomach and i let the truth come out. but thats when the **** started and my anger came to surface. my girl ripped my phone out my hands very angrily when she heard it was my ex calling and texting. i have nothing to hide. my lady trusts me because she knows i tell her the truth but to rip a phone out my hand brought that monster out of me fast... i dont like people ripping things out my hands... Then things escalated to her shouting at me pissed off and me simply laughing because believe it or not when i get nervous i laugh. it used to drive my father crazy... the more hed yell the more id laugh and the harder i would get spanked. lol... in my past my anger made me break weak and use. my girl got me so mad i got up and walked out verses staying and having a screaming match. i dont argue well. i walk away and clear my mind. i have a word. that word is "LOUISE" when that word comes out my mouth it means 5 minutes of dead silence here me and my girl are not allowed to say anything what so ever... that 5 minute cool down period can really be a beautiful thing... 5 minutes where nothing hurtful that cant be taken back cant be said. its my anger safety valve... i just forgot to use it. lol... so i got up to walk out but i forgot my keys and the door locked behind me. my girl refused to give me my keys and laughed at me and the more she laughed the more hatred bred inside me to where my mouth opened up and it came out... needles to say im single again but ill get her right back with a cool down period because i know shes the best thing for me and i know she knows im her man no matter what. shes already texted me her sorries 3xs already and yes... i answered them back nicely and i too even apologized because no matter how wrong she was for not allowing me to cool off i still had a choice to control my anger but didnt. i said some evil **** that i dont even really remember because my anger hits that extreme... but im a man and if im wrong its flowers, a written apology so it can be used against me the next time... i love that i torture myself... lol... i give plenty of ammunition to take my own big ass down... lol.. when i walked out the house after really feeling i just destroyed the only good thing i had this year all over again i immediatley felt like using... but as fast as the thought entered my mind i kicked it right back out because i would prove many people right by breaking weark and thats just something this fat kid cant do... not even for them but for myself... im done screwing up my life with drugs... dont even think of them unless im extremely mad and that hardly ever happens. my girl loves me more then i thought it was possible for a person to love... but my heart at times keeps wondering what life wouldbe like with my ex who i still love... im shot out if u ask me.. only dated my ex for months yet cant get her out of my mind. why is that? ive been with far too many women in my life to get stuck on stupid over one female... one female that still burns my heart daily... this is my punishment for hurting an innocent loving woman. she was no angel and used with me without me putting her arm behind her back but she stopped when i kept going. 2 co dependant addicts can never be together unless theres a lot of clean time between them. my ex made me promise to never contact her again and i kept that promise but she calls me on friday nights intoxicated. the drinks warm her hatred of me so she calls to hurt me and i refuse to accept her calls. i would do anything to repair the damage and make her happy but theres no chance for that when it comes to her forgiving me and giving me a second chance.. I have a fairytale life these days with the lady im currently with so why would i even think of sacrificing a sure thing over an ex with trust and hatred issues regardless their warranted when it comes to this screwup. why cant i get my ex out my head??? why??? fml... ... I make more money then i know what to do with. last time i counted my tip money only there was $2700.00 jammed in a small box that now ill use to take my new lady on a vacation to florida to meet my family. $2700.00 in a friggin box?? who does that??? every penny i make tattooing i save. i only use half my tip money for my weekly expenses and i live very well with what I do. sorry for this long winded message... just venting and happy that last night when the devil came knocking i answered the door standing tall and told him right where to go... straight back to hell... KEEP THE FAITH... WORK YOUR OWN PROGRAM... DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO STAY CLEAN TODAY.. THIS VERY SECOND MATTERS.. MINUTES MATTER AT FIRST... GOD BLESS US ALL...

PurpleKnight

Fantastic stuff Painless!!

Dee74

Congratulations on your progress painless - well done

D