tinyowl

I'm sat in my soft pants with my glass of wine.

I woke up this morning feeling like I could make it through the day. Told the thing in the back of my head (today I pictured it looking like crackling flames) to just STOP whenever I started the inner-voice-booze-chatter... and for a while I felt... Okay.

Fast forward to 5pm. The time when I tell myself, 'the day is starting to wind down'.

And there it was straight away: Boozeboozewineboozejustaglassyou'reallbyyourselfto nightjustdoitit'sfinegogogo

It just would not SHUT UP. My stomach was in knots. The kinda knots when you want to hug someone you love but you can't see or touch them. This is just too hard for me to do, I told myself. I just wanted the pull in my stomach to go away and that moron at the back of my head to STF UP!

I caved. Decision was made. Once that decision switch clicks there's no backing out. Nuh-uh.

And in what seemed like a flash: the world got brighter, the person that I was looking after was restored to their former cuteness and I felt better than I had for the past 3 days. I actually wanted to make conversation again!

And so here I am. In my soft pants. Sucks to be me right now. But I'll not actually 'know' that till the early hours of tomorrow morning kick in. Right now, I'm ashamed to admit that I feel pretty mellow and calm.

I'm sorry for being such a let down

I promise that I'll keep trying.

brasa

Unfortunately these good feelings will dissipate quickly in the morning, as you already mentioned.

Keep trying! Perhaps next time post while the "voice" is bugging you? We might just be able to help you shutting it up.

dingodog

Hey there tinyowl. It happened to me last night too. I didn't even put up a fight. So here I sit today, back at square one. I was going ok there, just made one week, and made the decision to drink. I was so full of hope, and sure I was going to really pull through this time. I'm going to get back at it, and make some different plans the next time. I truly loathe this disease. I'm not quitting. And there is hope, and so much support here. I should have reached out last night, instead of drinking. It is never worth it. Keep on trying. We will get there.

HeartsAfire

What's done is done for now, Owl (refuse to call you Tiny b/c you're not - you're strong!). Best thing to do now is pour the rest out, drink some water & get some rest. When you've got a clear head tomorrow you can tackle what your responses will be next time that effer comes snooping around.

There IS a way to turn it around. You can ALWAYS back out. It's just finding what works best for you.

biminiblue

Right. You realize we all have to fight that same demon, right?

If one person can do it, so can you.

Eat some food, drink some water and go to bed before you keep going down that path.

It won't get easier to stop tomorrow - you just have to muscle through it and accept the discomfort. THEN - in time - it gets much better.

tinyowl

Hi Brasa,

Yup, I know I will. Always do

I've tried logging onto the chat room when I'm struggling but feel like I'm hijacking the conversation and attention seeking if I talk about my stuff too much.

I wish I had the guts to attend a face to face meeting so I could get myself a sponsor for the times when I'm in need, but that's never going to happen

Notmyrealname

Alcohol feels like a comfortable old shoe because you're used to it as a security blanket.

Get away from it for a few months and your perspective will change. Get sober, stay sober, and eventually you feel like staying sober.

PurpleKnight

Old habits die hard, that 5pm feeling, if it's what we have done for years then it's very easy to slip back into the same routine!!

Which is why we need to do something more than simply not drink, we need to build new routines, new activities, sitting thinking about alcohol with all our new found time because we don't drink anymore is not a sustainable way forward, we need to carve out a new 5pm feeling!!

Go at things again!!

BRD

You are stronger than the voice.

Tell the voice to go Dick Cheney himself.

Make the decision to not drink. It is withing your power.

LSC1

Never feel like you are hijacking chat tinyowl. That is why we are there.

ImperfectlyMe

It took me a while to decipher that AV beckoning. It's almost never about wanting to drink. There's a deeper unfulfilled need that isn't being met, but for so long you've equated alcohol to be the salve. I'm 16 months sober so I'm much more comfortable navigating these times. However in the beginning my mind would start to race. What would help me was to calm my frenetic thinking down posture my body to a calm state, and ask myself what I was actually feeling. You will almost always find an alternative answer to just wanting to get drunk. For me that voice would scream when I needed reprieve. If i was burnt out and needed to check out. Often I was sad or lonely or bored, but I'd fooled my myself for so long using alcohol as my go to self soother, my pacifier.

When we take our quick fix away you HAVE to find an alternative way to meet those unfulfilled needs. A friend to talk to, or just posting or reading on SR always pulled me out.

dwtbd

Sorry to hear it was not the best of days, but you can make today one a better one , yes?

Try a little experiment for today. Instead of a crackling flamed harm intending moron, try picturing that jerk as a sniveling little annoying snail that starts clinging to your shoe. Flick it away and then pour the salt of "Nope! ain't gonna happen!" all over its slimy pathetic little whiny butt.

Put that decision switch in a different setting, you said it can't be changed, put in the NO position. And when you see slimy sucker , snicker at it, and salt away!

tinyowl

These replies are great, thank you guys. I'm going to hijack away on chat tonight (hehehe) when I start feeling that I can't cope. Thank you all

peace x

freshstart57

In the chatroom, the conversation is often about anything other than addiction, and that is just fine, but that is not its main purpose. You should be acknowledged and given the opportunity to talk about alcohol when you log in. Just saying, 'Guise can we talk about alcohol for a bit?' should be all that you need to do to steer the banter your way.

The chatroom can be part of your plan for next time, but you need to have one. You need to decide now what you will do instead when you feel as you did. Will you sit with your feelings for a few minutes, and learn about what else you are experiencing at that moment? Will you pour yourself something else to drink instead while you are pondering? Will you begin to learn how to separate those AV thoughts from you, from who you are and wish to become?

I found that developing these skills helped me in many other things besides my decision to quit drinking. Maybe it was a life skill I should have learned but never really did when I was younger?

Owl, remember that you can do this. It might be hard at times, but by no means impossible for the likes of YOU! You can do hard, I'm sure of it. This is a truly badass thing you are doing, you are remaking your life so you can experience joy and beauty and true calm and peace, the real stuff that doesn't kill you and empty you. Above all, remember that you deserve this, and that you will get it, dammit, no matter what. Onward!

BRD

If you are struggling with alcohol or drugs or any addiction then it isn't a 'hijack' to talk about that in the thread but rather its bring the chatroom back to its intended purpose.

"Hijack away'

Kris47

Owl,

This thing is a beast but you can quell it. You just need to not pick up that first glass of wine. Not easy, but good is never easy. Bad is easy. For a time. Once you can get some time in, things will get easier. Just start over and know you're in command this time.
We're all here for you. We're here to help.

VikingGF

tinyowl- I hope you are having a better day today. Also, FYI- I was feeling weak one day a few weeks ago, I jumped in the chatroom, didn't even say hello and just blurted out "I'm going to drink, I am leaving to buy a bottle, please help me" and they did! So, if you're in trouble, do what you need to do. No worries.

I know this is a ridiculous question, but I have to ask because I am so curious, what are "soft pants"? I am not familiar with this term.

Be strong, no matter what pants you have on!

jakec

Thank you for being so honest.

I can relate to this a lot. Sometimes I would relapse and feel guilty for the fact that I was actually enjoying those first drinks/drugs. But I would always sober up. It was like I could almost feel the drug, milligram by milligram, being eliminated from my body and I just wanted to die. How could something so seemingly beautiful become so ugly so quick? It was never enough.

Please don't give up! Try again tomorrow. But don't keep telling yourself that "i'll just start again tomorrow" because I know, for me at least, that if I keep "starting tomorrow" there will eventually be no tomorrow.

Jake

Tonymblue

You said it. Keep trying. You can do it. We are here.

Buggirl

You are not a let down. Worst days for me have been from day 3 to 13! Now I am on day 19 today, I just know that I am getting to know what I like again and not the AV! I feel like I am coming out the other side of a 19 year possession! I had forgot ton how good I am to be around sober and how I feel about things. It really will get easier, I promise, stick at it! You can do this, I have faith!