Viperidae

Facing reality, depression, and a crap storm if I'm stopped. My god this is going to take a lot of work. It's totally daunting. Like someone else said in another post: It's not the booze, it's me.

I don't think I'm a good person, have accomplished little, and really don't like myself. I'm not reveling in, or enjoying self pity. It's just the way it is.

I want to feel like this duck

PurpleKnight

The important thing is to never give up, you're "still trying"!!

I was pretty messed up when I got Sober, had come out of a failed relationship, wanted to drink my life away, didn't really care about much up until then.

But I took a leap of faith that maybe if I hung on to this thing called Sobriety, then maybe I could turn a corner, I didn't have all the answers, wasn't even sure how it was all going to work out, but another 24hrs Sober can't be a bad thing!!

In my experience, focus on Sobriety and everything else will follow!!

Hang in there Johnny!!

least

You may not feel like a good person, but you can become a good person if you try. Don't give up! Keep trying and you'll get there. It took me many tries til I finally got it right, but I did get it. You will too.

biminiblue

The longer you stay away from the drink, the better you will feel not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

The past is done. Just live in today and don't drink. It will all fall in place and in time you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

DG0409

Hi Johnny. I remember you from the April '13 thread. I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. It's good to see you posting.

I remember how sweet and caring you were. Perhaps you don't give yourself enough credit.

There were things I did when I was drinking that made me feel pretty bad about myself too, so I can understand why it might be hard to focus on the good stuff about yourself. I didn't automatically feel like a better person when I quit drinking, but I did decide to start being more of a person that I could like. I'm still a work in progress, but I do feel better about myself these days.

It's really good to see you. I hope you keep posting. You can do this, and it will get better with some time as long as you stay sober.

SoberComposer

That is so true. Start small with stuff like holding the door for strangers and having the courage to be nice in a usually cold world. It will take time to change your life around but if that's what you want then focus on it and build it stone by stone. Self worth is crucial. Much love and best of luck!

Viperidae

Hi DG! The crazy thing is....I am a good person. Never hurt a fly. I've done some crappy things, but more to myself than anyone else. I think its more feeling like a total loser.

It's odd... a few days of sobriety, for instance today, I had the girls behind the deli at whole foods laughing like heck. At Panera for coffee this morning I got shout outs from the staff, and one of the young women that works there, that I hardly know, just pulled out a chair and said she was going to sit with me for her break, and asked me all kinds of questions. At Best Buy I had the laptop sales guy laughing because I showed him a picture on my phone of a homemade macbook case made from a padded Priority Mail envelope and duct tape. I'll start talking to people in line and have them laughing. And, very hard for me to believe and unusual, beaming smiles from women. On a level I'm not sure I've ever noticed. Is it the grey in the beard now? I think at 44 I'm a bull instead of a boy. No clue. Then I come home and say, I bleeping hate myself, I'm worthless, there's no hope, I'd rather just die.

My dating life has been non-existent for a loooong time. That's what happens when girls think you're funny and cute and you have no J O B and you feel like crap about yourself. Of course they don't know that because I don't give them the chance to find out. Here's the deal, I can connect with people, very quickly and usually with humor. And to top it off, I have a family that says, 'We know you hate it here, you can't take the winters, you want something different. Bring your bed and put it in the separate area of the house and just travel. Get some fresh air, some perspective. Get a motorcycle and drive cross country...Go back to Africa, work with kids or with elephants, we'll help you do it.' But I do nothing. How's that for being a loser?

I know I should establish stability in my life, but honestly I need a real break and a fresh start.

SoberHoopsFan

Alcohol is making you feel that way. Those thoughts are AV, the part of you that wants to drink convincing you that you are hopeless and it doesn't matter. Well guess what, you're not hopeless or a bad person, this board itself is proof of that.

Work on staying sober, give yourself a chance. You may come to find that you are a better person than you thought, and start liking yourself again. h

Viperidae

Thanks. I was afraid to post that, but it helped.

Dee74

I never thought I was a good person either - but my perceptions were darkened by my addictions.

It'd been going on for so long I didn't realise it was happening.

I think you're a good person - I'm sure you'll find that out in time Johnny

D

Viperidae

It the AV telling me I'm bad. I didn't realize that. Plus of course distorted thoughts because of the booze.

mapp

Johnny.... strength from a fellow nutmegger

MIRecovery

Everyday you are sober you are a success. Sobriety is a huge accomplishment. Sobriety is the foundation on which all other things are built

DG0409

Johnny,

You should check out the 'One year and under club' here. I started hanging out there once the old April thread kind of died off. And I'm still there even though I have more than a year. But it's a great group of people and tons of support. For me, reaching out and getting the support of the people here daily really has been so beneficial to my recovery.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-36-a.html

VikingGF

Johnny- I hear you!!! That stuck feeling will start to fade when you get clear of the alcohol, and in a very short time. I too, discovered the drinking wasn't the only issue, it was me, but that was so early on, I hadn't even given myself a minute to stop and look around at the world without the wine goggles. I had them on for so long, I STILL thought they were on after I stopped. At night, I still had to say, hey, not drunk! I can get off my butt and go do something. But for a while, I did the same exact things, just without drinking. So I still felt the same way.

Don't pick up, give yourself a break and some breathing room without booze and then make a small decision to do something easy. Then do another. Then another. Slowly, you start to wake up. You can see the possibilities rather than the problems. I swear, this has been my biggest obstacle so far, realizing my potential instead of beating myself up.

When you are ready for an opportunity, you will take it. But don't beat yourself up for not trying too soon or doing more than you can handle. Would you treat someone else that way? Probably not.

You can do this. We are all here, at some stage of recovery and we are not alone. Please consider me a friend along the way.

Lisa.

Altoids

My AV tells me the same things, Johnny. It helps if you can talk about it. Once you start recognizing the AV, it gets a bit easier and you can just tell it to shut up.

I like DG0409's suggestion about the Undies thread. I love it there. I'm also on the weekenders thread. THAT is a fun one, too. It really helps to be able to log in at anytime, day or night, and have like minded folks talking about everyday things and fun and serious stuff and. . .

Best of luck to you. We are in this together, and I'm glad you are here with us.

Funtimefranky

You sound like a great person to me. Keep at it, everything will fall into place in time. Start believing you are a great person destined for great things and tell your AV to politely Foxtrot Oscar (stole that last part from a post I read earlier, I could not word it better) the next time it starts up.;-)