Charlie117926

I am at a loss for words right now.

After every drunk (last night) I wake up full of regret, dazed, sluggish and disappointed. Then I put on my sober face and reset my "day one."

Then two days pass and repeat the process. When I say I want to be sober, I believe it at the time. Then it all falls apart.

I am starting to think maybe I don't want sobriety, but I know in my heart of hearts that I do. Why cant I just freaking quit drinking!!!

What boggles my mind is that I spend hard earned money on alcohol, spend a lot of time to get in drunken state and then complain about it the next morning. WTH? I'm spending money and time on something I hate.

I really do not know what to do to get sober. I don't know how many more changes I can make to get sober.

Please disregard my sobriety date below. It has to be changed...again...

foryoumyson

I'm in the same exact position. I want sobriety then I'll drink. And just hate myself the next and say alright this is it I'm done I'm going to pour every thing out and I'm doing this. But them 2 or 3 says later after a hard long day at work all I think about is getting drunk. But I tell myself I'm not drinking tonight but for some reason I'll stop in the store and buy a case . Then I start the process all over again . These past 2 weeks have been hell. I want sobriety but then I'll screw it up . 2 weeks ago I last 4 days and I promised my gf that I'm done and of course she didn't believe me after the 100 other times but I said I'm going to prove it to you but I ended up drinking and I felt like a failure I can't even keep a promise that I'm not going to drink I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't stop and I want to stop.

Nonsensical

What are you thinking when you pick up that drink?

Charlie117926

That's just it Non, I don't know what I am thinking. Its really nothing negative or positive. Then before I know it I am making my third trip to the store.

I hate this cycle so much. How on earth did I get to this point?

I am not trying to whine, but I am very disappointed in myself. Which is nothing new as I am "disappointed" with myself about 5 days a week.

Mountainmanbob

I had to do that more than once

don't give up

Charlie117926

Thanks Mountain man.

I just hope one day very soon, it will be the last day one.

least

Make this your last day one. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Carlotta

Asidevfrom SR what are you doing for your recovery? Do you go to a support group? Have you read about AVRT? Are you seeingva therapist?
It sounds like you need to step it up a notch. Find a method which clicks with you and give it 120%
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

doggonecarl

I think you want sobriety...you just don't know how to accomplish that goal, the goal of quitting. It's not just a decision you make and that's that. You are seeking recovery from an addiction. That means it is going to fight your decision to quit every foot of the way.

You don't know how to fight back. Your decision to drink is not happening on auto pilot. The thought to drink enters your head, and you comply. The fight for sobriety starts at that moment, by you saying no, before the thinking about drinking turns to the act of drinking.

DoubleDragons

In the beginning of my sobriety, it was easier for me to look at it like an experiment. I had drank alcohol for 27 years, so I completely understood the drinking life. I didn't have a fair comparison of what life could be without alcohol. So, I thought I would give sobriety a good, honest try (6-9 months which really is nothing compared to 27 years) so I could truly, honestly decide which was better: sobriety or the drinking life. 6-9 months is hard, but it is not daunting and it truly is a drop in the bucket compared to 27 years. I am now over 10 months sober and have proven to myself without a doubt that the sober life is better than the drinking life. I have NO desire to drink. Focus on giving yourself this "experiment". Each day do whatever it takes to just not drink today. Today only. Today, when the urge and cravings appear, come to SR instead. Go to a store that is open 24 hours and just roam around. Go on a drive, take a class, read a book, go to bed, just don't drink today. It is hard at first, but it gets easier quicker than you know. You just haven't give yourself the "eyes" to see how much better sobriety really is . . . .

Charlie117926

Thanks Carlotta and Double Dragons:

Obviously the changes I have already made are not enough. I have my support group, which is SR and that's about it.

I am going to try the "experiment" approach and see how that works.

mfanch

If you can't quit on your own, perhaps one of the many programs out there can help you. Pick one and do it 110%. I have a long story of quitting my way, only to go back to it EVERY time. I didn't WANT to drink, but I didn't DO anything to NOT TO. I don't know if that made sense.

Anyway, glad you are here.

FreeOwl

I know that feeling.

What I had to do in order to get out of that cycle was to make a complete and total commitment during that window of time when I was sure....

I had to take ACTION and make a plan while I was in that "I REALLY DO WANT TO QUIT" mindset.

Every time I did not do that.... as soon as I felt a little better and my mind's chemical beat-down was re-stabilized.... if I had not formed a defense that could stand up and argue against my addicted voice - then it won out over my Inner Voice of True Self. Every. Time.

leviathan

while I don't really agree with the 90 meeting/90 days tradition of AA, it is based in some reason. the clarity that reinforces sobriety often clicks for some after a period of "white knuckle" abstinence.

I quit out of fear, due to employment loss. the desire to stay quit settled in after a month of sobriety. at that point I realized how much better everything was getting for me. I think that this may have been a chemical adjustment in my noggin. after that I could catalogue my actual benefits. this made drinking an option I no longer WANTED.

now at six months, I deal with an occasional glimmer of drinking suggestion when things are frustrating. not very hard to deny, and nothing like that first couple weeks when I was at a loss for what to do with any downtime.

you may need to deal with the "habit" first, then focus on your benefits when sober for a period and research your lifelong strategy/program of choice. try adjusting your self contract for a month or so, as in "im not gonna touch a drop for a month! I bet ill find out it just better that way!". focus on this every morning as a daily goal and then associate the end of your work day with getting straight home, no booze stop.

also, pay attention to your drinking urges. acknowledge and refute them. we all have "auto-pilot" type habits. (off work=beer run/bar stop.etc). there is an actual window at these times where you can literally stop. stop walking. pull over. think. do you have to make the next move. no you don't. this opportunity lies before EVERY step up until the drink is poured down your throat (by you).

I personally used this when I found an old stashed plastic vodka pint in the garage, after 2 months sober. I stopped and looked at it. my autopilot wanted it to go straight to the mouth without much thought. I refused. I thought. actually stood there for about thirty seconds... then said out loud "no way, man. gimme a break!" -poured it out on the lawn, theres now a dead spot in the grass as big as my hand.

I wish you all the best. I remember making promises that I broke over and over. it really is exhausting.

Gronk

Hey......I am 3 weeks off......and I do NOT, repeat NOT want to be sober. No debate. Don't bother spouting off reasons.

Specifically, what I am realizing is........when I say I don't wan to be sober to myself is this, and I think it is an important distinction.

I don't want to stop drinking. Period. If I get drunk drinking, well that's cool, but I don't want to stop drinking.

I am currently having a raging internal battle between Mothra (booze) and Gamera (sobriety) in my head. (sorry for the early Japanese monster movie analogy, but I'm running low after three weeks of posting about this

So, to relate......you are not alone.....I am alone struggling with this at home......even though I live with two other people who depend on me.

SO, just so I can not be alone....I plan on dropping in on a meeting tonight to say hey to them all.

As far as changes......the one change I have made.....and I let it dictate everything else is simple.....like I said....ONE change........don't drink. Now, if that means my buds/family is going out all night to a bar......well, because I won't be drinking, I don't think I'll enjoy it (forget about temptation) I decline. I drink diet coke (which I really don't like for various health reasons and will quit eventually) a lot. (diet coke with lime specifically)

Anyway, as usual I am off of my first point Charlie...that being I don't want to quit drinking either........however, I can sure do without the being drunk part.

GracieLou

I went to AA and stayed sober 5 ½ months and drank again. I continued for another ten years. Sadly, it took until I was down so low I could not lower the bar anymore.

What you describe is exactly how I lived for that ten years. I wanted to quit but I did nothing to actually quit other than thinking it and saying it.

I regret not going back and trying again during those ten years. Sober now for almost 17 months I wish I had those ten years sober instead of stuck in the vicious cycle that you describe, which was spot on, from my experiences.

I would suggest you try another recovery method on top of using SR. I had to change the way I think before it effected the way I behaved. Changing my view of life, myself and others was the only way I could remain sober. I had to get rid of the resentments and the anger and stop trying to control others. I never realized how my own expectations of other people affected me and my life and it was all my doing.

I am not suggesting AA or any other recovery program, but I would suggest you pick one and try it for at least 30 days. 30 days may save you from a ten years of the same events that are happening now. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. That change has to be you, the obsession to drink is not going to magically disappear just because you want it to or you say you are not going to drink. It takes us away every time.

mirage

I think it's important to become really self aware and introspective when you're trying to quit an addiction. You make choices to go to that store, whether you're aware of them or not. Try to be aware of them. Think, 'ok, I want to go to the store now and get booze. Why? What am I feeling? Am I upset? Lonely? Do I feel like celebrating something? What would happen if I didn't go, didn't drink? Would I be happier tomorrow?' etc. Picture yourself drinking. Was it worth it? Is the beating yourself up where you're most comfortable? What you're used to? Even if you go and drink the first few times. Practice being really aware of what you're doing. And yeah, upping your support and strategies would really help. This is hard stuff, man! Cut yourself some slack, enough of the negative self-talk. It's not helping. Accept that you're not there yet, that you don't have the tools you need, but know that you'll get them and you'll do this. Deep breath, keep trying.

FeenixxRising

Been there Charlie, too many times. Intellectually I knew I needed to stop drinking for good. Unfortunately, deep down inside I still had that lurking notion that I could regain the ability to drink with control if I just tried hard enough. I suspect you have similar thinking.

I had to take some time to think about what I was doing. I had to take some action. I attended AA meetings, read the Big Book and found some inspiration and help there. I no longer use AA, but it did help me in the beginning of my quest for sobriety. I worked hard to remove the feeling that I could somehow regain control of my drinking. I did it by using a variety of methods: AA, SMART, AVRT and listening to the long term sober members on this site.

Have you tried any recovery program? If not, start somewhere and go from there. Just deciding to stop and not putting some thought and work into achieving that goal didn't work for me.

People have given some very good advice in this thread, and the common denominator appears to be the need for "action". I really suggest trying some type of program, anything really, AA or whatever, but give it a try and commit to it for a period of time. You have nothing to lose.

ESD907

The beginning is very difficult, I agree. Its that 3rd day that gets you, I understand completely. when it starts to get to you, say, OK, but I'll have that drink tomorrow. Once you can string a week to 10 days, it gets a bit easier. OR simply say, HEY, I want to prove to myself I can get a month together. Then I can drink. And you may realize how good you feel. Its certainly not a perfect science. Its just getting thru the cravings. Shower, call someone, shop, walk outside. Anything to put it off just a little while.

Meraviglioso

Thanks for this post Carl, I needed to hear that as well.