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The Little Lies We Like to Tell Ourselves

Old 08-15-2014, 03:42 AM
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The Little Lies We Like to Tell Ourselves

Day 2 of Sobriety.

Yesterday, after I decided to fully commit myself to sobriety I began wondering about my future friendships, relationships and connections with others. The following themes were what bothered me the most:

*How my non drinker status would make it difficult for me to socialise with others- boozing is a really big part of my culture. It's what everyone seems to do during their spare time.
*How me being 'totes sober' would put off potential future boyfriend(s?)- people equate sobriety with people who struggle with addiction and have problems, right? The guys that I've known in the past also wouldn't want to be with a 'down the straight and narrow' type girlfriend.
*How me not drinking could potentially alienate me from groups that I go out with in the future- here I was thinking about how groups of friends 'let their hair down' and bond over glasses of wine, during pub crawls, at festivals, gigs etc etc

In all honesty I'm not even fussed about having a BF right now. I'm not in the position to go out and make new friends or do any of the above as I live at work and am saving right now and will be doing this for at least a little while. This is all just future talk. It doesn't even exist or matter!

Even though I felt strong (and distracted) enough to not drink anything last night, I felt desperate to shake off my commitment to being sober. It just felt wrong. Like too big of a commitment. How do people deal with this kind of burden? How can I know that I definitely won't be drinking next month? NEXT YEAR? And and and....

Up to now I've managed to get myself to the stage where I'm okay saying that I'll not drink... for now. But I always reserve the option to 'maybe' drink at a later date. By maybe, as we all know, I mean definitely. It's taken me a good 10 years or so to even get here. I'm hoping that now I have support things will move along a bit quicker.

I discussed these thoughts (and fears) on the chat rooms yesterday and this morning and slowly (waaaay to slowly) realised that I was deluding myself as to how bad my issues with drinking actually are. I was trying to rationalise my way out of committing to a life of no drinking. I was trying to rationalise how a future that involved total abstinence would not work for the likes of me.

I'm so fed up and angry with myself right now. I feel powerless and manipulative and like a bloody idiot. This had better be part of the process of getting better. Yikes! I don't like feeling this way about myself, it takes me back to how I used to feel when I had issues with depression and I like to think I'm past things like that now.

Enough whining...

So as I was discussing my delusions and rationalisations this morning a very kind person in the chat room sent me a link explaining the meaning of AVRT. It made a heap of sense and also left me feeling marginally better about myself.

If anyone else is struggling with ideas of committing to a life of sobriety maybe have a read of the Rational Recovery website. It made a whole lot of sense to me (sorry, I'm not allowed to attach links yet).

If anyone has any guidance/ accounts/ pointers I'll be happy to hear from you.

Peace x
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
Even though I felt strong (and distracted) enough to not drink anything last night, I felt desperate to shake off my commitment to being sober. It just felt wrong. Like too big of a commitment. How do people deal with this kind of burden? How can I know that I definitely won't be drinking next month? NEXT YEAR? And and and....
One day at a time.

I never think I won't drink tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.

Only today. This 24 hours is all that I can handle at one time. 24 hours is manageable. The rest is not.

If I don't drink today, then I did okay. My commitment to life is for today and today only for today is all we have and are really promised. Beyond that, there is no promise, no expectation of what it will bring so why worry about it.

I cannot change the past anymore than I can predict the future. Every time you find yourself saying or thinking "Yeah but what about...." stop and say, "Only today".

One day at a time.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:35 AM
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I have been actively trying to stop drinking for 3 years now. For three years I have slipped up thinking that I can drink like a "normal" person again and end up hung over a toilet and experiencing terrible withdrawals. That little thought is a trick!
I listened to my addictive voice last week so sadly instead of being weeks sober today am back to only being 3 days sober.
In the past year I have had two runs at being 3 months sober one 2 months and a few at a month or less. When I was sober I learned how to attend social functions where alcohol was being served and I have never had more fun in my life. I held great conversations, my hair and dress still looked amazing at the end of the night, I didn't lose anything and I kept my dignity! Every time I go out with people who are drinking I think about how grateful I am that I will be able to safely drive myself home and wake up feeling fantastic in the morning. Oh! Another thing! Watching other slowly start to make asses out of themselves getting drunk is another "fun" way to stay sober. I can stay classy when I don't drink. Hope this helps some!
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:36 AM
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Thanks GracieLou,

I totally agree with you. I don't live my life constantly thinking of tomorrow, I don't see the point either... Just try your best and see how things go is the way I usually do things. As I said, tomorrow doesn't exist (yet).

My question, or predicament (right now) is how and why I am thinking in this futuristic way when normally I don't. I think this could be my way of trying to sabotage my efforts, and I guess I'm finding it stressful. If it is, it's working as I'm feeling like I want to back out!

I have to think I won't drink tomorrow, otherwise I'll start daydreaming about when and where I will get my next drink from. I'm always looking for ways and excuses. I've been doing the take it one day at a time thing for years and it only serves to space out my drinking rather than stop it. After a few days/ weeks/ I relax and then boom!

So in order to overcome those thoughts surely I need to replace them with something else? Something that says 'no' to my imaginary drink sneaking? Otherwise it's just like telling yourself not to think about pink elephants.

I just don't know right now.

One day at a time sounds manageable. Stopping myself from sabotaging things on the other hand not so!
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
How can I know that I definitely won't be drinking next month? NEXT YEAR?
How do you know you won't commit arsons, robberies and murders next month or next year?

Answer: because you have decided not to

More on AVRT here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

It is a frequent topic of discussion in the Secular Connections forum.

Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
So in order to overcome those thoughts surely I need to replace them with something else?
It's helpful, but not necessary. You don't think you want to drink, you feel like you want to drink. I have feelings every day I don't act upon. My boss is a pinhead and I feel like throwing my stapler at his head. The new assistant is a cutie and I feel like inviting her to a motel for lunch. I had a long day and I feel like drinking. All bad ideas I don't have to act on. All I have to do is put my frontal cortex in charge and make good decisions.

You can do this, too.
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:27 AM
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Hey SuperMega,

Thank you for the positive reminders of why I'm actually doing this My hangover induced anxiety attacks in the early AM can serve as a strong reminder as to why I shouldn't bother for sure!
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Old 08-15-2014, 05:31 AM
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Hi Nonsensical,

your post just basically kicked my butt. I feel that this way of thinking and approaching things will do me some good. I'm going to have a read of the link you've provided!
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:57 AM
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You can do this tinyowl, keep it simple!!

You only have to make it to bedtime each day, there's only 24hrs in any day to be Sober, and that's the same for all of us!!
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Old 08-15-2014, 10:41 AM
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TinyOwl, congratulations on your choice of sobriety and your courage, it takes real courage to look into that gaping maw of fear and uncertainty and step forward.

The AV is about drinking, all about drinking, and only about drinking. It includes thoughts of self doubt and uncertainty concerning your ability to choose permanent and unconditional sobriety. With this definition in mind, it should be clear that the thoughts of only temporary sobriety are nothing more than that whiny needy thoughtless drive to get more alcohol. Those are simply AV.

You don't have to think about not drinking tomorrow, just make that vow to NEVER NOW DRINK. We don't have to anguish over the past and its depression, or fret over the future and its anxiety, just be present now, in the now. This is the only moment we surely own in its entirety. You can always choose to not drink for a second, for a moment. Make that moment the present moment.

You also need not replace thoughts of drinking with anything else. Just accept them without judgement, in true mindfulness fashion. Awareness of thoughts, like the AV and its drinking thoughts and thoughts of self-doubt, and their acceptance without judgement, allow that rational part of us to see things clearly. Awareness allows us to choose sobriety every single time. For good.

Once I understood the power of this tool I now held in my hand, I understood that I need never fear the thoughts of drinking again. I became confident that these thoughts would never overwhelm me again, and in that confidence, I fulfilled my plan of ever drinking again. It became something I could promise myself, a gift to myself of a fresh new start. I made a vow to never drink again, and to never change my mind.

Once I understood this tool of awareness and mindfulness and what it meant to my life, the relief of this profound knowing that my addiction was over for good filled me with a feeling of relief and joy I hadn't experienced for many years. I was going to allow myself to become the person I knew I could be. I was free.

TinyOwl, I hope you keep posting about your journey. You are most welcome here. Onward!
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
Yesterday, after I decided to fully commit myself to sobriety I began wondering about my future friendships, relationships and connections with others.
So you are dwelling on the future and are worried that sobriety will ruin friendships, relationships, connections.

The truth is, continued alcoholic drinking will rob you of those things and a lot more. There are countless posts here on SR to support that.

ANYTHING you come up with, in your head, that supports drinking is the insanity of alcohol and alcoholism. That is how the addiction works: through fear, denial, and "romancing" the whole alcohol culture.

Give it a year. If you aren't satisfied with sobriety, you can always get back on the crazy train of drinking...but not on day 2!

Good luck.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
It's what everyone seems to do during their spare time.
Yes, that's what all my friends did too..especially when I was younger. It's what I did too. I am middle aged now and it was my pretty much my energy, life, health and soul sucking "hobby".

I look back over the last 20 years and wonder what my life would have become if I didn't "drink in my spare time".

There are plenty of folks of all ages who do not use their spare time to drink. You just don't know them. I didn't either. I am trying to meet them now.

If you try to stay sober around people who don't really do anything but drink in their "spare time"....

Your sobriety will SUCK..and you will be back drinking in your spare time.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:42 AM
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Great post. This was helpful for me as well. Thank you.
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Old 08-15-2014, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by tinyowl View Post
My hangover induced anxiety attacks in the early AM can serve as a strong reminder as to why I shouldn't bother for sure!
Uhhhhhh. Don't remind me! Those are the absolute WORST. Everything seems to be crashing down around you, so messed up and so broken! It is soul gripping fear.
I love how when I am sober... my life is manageable.
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