mszwed

My adult daughter has been clean for 18 months and for that I am forever grateful and thankful. She did it because she wanted to and that's what it's all about.
My issues arise with the fact that her behaviors have not changed. She asked to move in with me a year and a half ago and against my inner voice, I agreed. She was making such great strides with being clean and sober that it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So far, she hasn't done anything positive towards moving forward. She hasn't really tried to find a job - yes, she's put out 3 or 4 applications but won't follow through and thus, remains unemployed. I am getting near retirement age and she is only 30. I pay for everything. Food, shelter, medical bills, hell, even her cigarettes and her dog's vet bills! I'm stuck in that emotional cycle where I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I'm not sure what she is feeling but she's angry with me a lot.
I try to remember that I cannot control my adult child, I can only control myself and any reactions her behaviors may provoke. Tonight, I failed miserably. We got into a rip roaring fight - she tried to get physical with me and I ended up slapping her face. Her response was to push me down.
I want her to move on and quickly. As a mother, I feel so responsible - after all, she's my child, isn't she? I want her to leave but she has no money, no car and no place to go.
Please help me. I know in my head what I need to do to protect myself and put the responsibilities where they truly lie, but in my heart, I love my child and care about what happens to her.
Send me some inspiration or thoughts to reflect upon. I am at the end of my rope.
Sad Mom

GardenMama

I am so sorry for you pain, and for the altercation you had with your daughter.I just have a few random thoughts for you. Today I was remembering some "crazy" things I did when first dealing with my addict daughter as a young teen. I am trying to let those incidents go, evaporate, heal, but I could not do that if she was living in my home right now, in early recovery. My daughter is one month clean, and even in 6 months I would not let her come home again to live. It is just too painful for me and the rest of our family. It was the folks on SR, right here on this forum, who affirmed my question two years ago about letting her back home after leaving her first rehab early. I knew it was probably not a good idea, and I was angry she left early, and most everyone agreed I should let her deal with her decision and her recovery. You already know this, I think, and perhaps now it is time to turn the volume up on your own self-care & intuition with boundaries, and turn down the volume on any power she has on you to evoke sympathy. Even if you didn't have a fight, it seems like it is time for her to move on and live on her own. Take good care.

zoso77

I see you're new to us, so Welcome to the Board.

What you describe -- someone abstaining from drugs but is not behaving responsibly -- isn't all that uncommon. There are a lot of addicts out there that fall into that category. So, here's a couple of things I encourage you to think about.

Whether you're aware of it or not, you're enabling her. On the one hand, you bemoan the fact that she's not taking any positive steps. But on the other hand, you admit that you're paying for things she should be paying for. You're undercutting yourself by allowing her to use you.

As far as her pushing you down, that's simply unacceptable, and in my view, that warrants you showing her the door.

You may be her mother, but you are not responsible for her choices or her actions. She is. And by enabling her to be helpless, you're treating her like a child.

My hope is over the next few hours, other members who are mothers of addicts will be by to share their thoughts and experiences with you. When they do, pay close attention. They have a lot of hard earned wisdom and have learned a lot of painful lessons. They may say things you either aren't ready to hear, or you don't want to hear. Keep an open mind.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Ann

There are lots of mamas here who have been where you are, I am one of them.

I say this with love in my heart...your daughter isn't making any moves forward because she doesn't have to. All is provided for her and she is allowed to be unappreciative and angry/disrespectful.

When my son wouldn't set a plan, I set one for him. When he used he had to leave, plan or no plan in place. He knew where detox and rehab was and where REAL help was...and I was not an option once he used drugs in my home.

Sometimes mental health issues are present that cannot be assessed until they stop using. If your daughter has been clean 18 months, perhaps she could see a counselor for assessment, and help if needed.

You can insist on all of this...mental health assessment, job applications and pursuit on a regular basis, and counseling or meetings or something that will contribute to her advancing in her recovery. Sobriety alone does not recovery make. The alternative would be for her to find her own place and make her own choices. You can't make her do recovery, but you can set boundaries and conditions to her living in your home.

And personally, I'd stop buying her cigarettes and paying for anything other than basic necessities of life...toiletries and food and shelter.

Please know that however you proceed with this, we are all walking with you. I am only offering my suggestions as they come from my own experience and the experience others have shared here. Each of us had to make our own plan with timing that is right for us. It took me forever to be able to set boundaries and enforce them. It may take you a while too and that's okay.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Hugs