SoberComposer

Hi All,

I know everyone is different in their recovery but how long into sobriety would someone want wait before dating?

Venecia

Since getting sober, I've tended to find a lot of wisdom from the recovery veterans. And they tend to advise waiting until you have at least a year of sobriety before being "out there." I'd like to venture out, but deep down, I know I'm not ready for a variety of reasons.

I see your sober date is Aug. 2. Is that 2014? If so, I'd give yourself more time -- make that a lot more time. After 12 days of sobriety, I barely knew the difference between my head and my hind quarters.

LadyinBC

They say to at least wait a year. Reasoning is that you need to work on yourself first.

I personally was glad I wasn't in a relationship when I first got sober. And I am still leary about getting into one. I really am not interested in having to worry about someone else's baggage other than my own. Plus, I like having the remote .

Wastinglife

I stayed sober for 6 months after getting out of rehab. Then I decided to try internet dating. The first date I went on I got drunk, ruined my sobriety. Internet dating is not compatible with recovering alcoholics (unless both are in recovery). Meeting complete strangers and not having alcohol to loosen the both of you up is very difficult. I tried a few coffee dates, which is fine for a first date, but eventually a woman is going to want to be wined and dined a little.

I stopped internet dating. I am just going to let fate take its course. If I meet someone, great, but I am just focusing on being sober for now because dating led me back to drinking so damn fast.

Dee74

I waited until I knew who sober me was - and until I didn't loathe myself anymore. I'm glad I waited - any sooner and I would have been inflicting myself on someone.

Don't be afraid to spend time with yourself, getting to know who you are

D

SoberComposer

Thanks for the quick reply Venecia! Thankfully I have recently recovered from a bad breakup and just now starting to enjoy me again so I'm not wanting to date for awhile. I was just reading Nuudawn's recent post and it sounded nice but I know she has been sober for awhile, so was curious how long that may be in my future.

Croissant

Personally, I chose to get sober July 2013, with a slip in October and in Feb after a death. I think sobriety takes conscious commitment every day. I spend at least 2 hours a day on working on that. A walk, and reading some kind of personal development literature and coming here.

I don't think a relationship would bring anything at this point, and likewise, I need to be the best version of me before I involve someone else.

I've posted this before on the site - Getting sober meant I had to find me and fall back in love with me and care for myself enough to not allow alcohol into my life again. That's a long process.

Sure, I'd love to snuggle someone on the sofa and go out for dinner and just have companionship - but I only just feel barely able to deal with another set of needs and wants and counter balancing them against my own. I care too much for my "imaginary future loved one" to inflict myself on the dating world just yet.

Croissant

Lol Dee...I used the word inflict too. I must have been writing my post whilst you were posting.

I think it's an appropriate word, though!

SoberComposer

Cool, thanks everyone! Personally im a mess right now but hanging in there (day13) but was wondering how long it may appear in my future (as long as I keep sober).

Venecia

You're welcome, SoberComposer.

A lot of what Croissant said resonates with me. We have a lot of rebuilding to do internally and that has to be the first priority. That's why I think the veterans have it about right when they say wait a year.

For me, Plan A was to tip-toe back into the wilderness after I gained a year of sobriety. (I wrote about this elsewhere in the forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2039-year.html) My father's death was such a jolt, one that gives me pause about even attempting to meet someone for now. I'm also processing some issues related to trust (sigh ... unwelcome stuff).

So I'm on to Plan B. Which is "I don't know when." But it's understandable to want that kind of companionship. I certainly understand. Give yourself time. It's what I am going to do. I hope to feel that kind of hopefulness one of these days.

SoberComposer

I really feel that desire to build a relationship with myself. I started my first journal this January and that was, I think, the reason why I am taking this disease so seriously. I tell you, I am so glad I quit when I did! Thanks for all the wonderful feedback!

nvguy

It seems to me that you might could do both. With the right person I say it's therapy.
Nvguy

Dee74

The temptation is to look to someone to fix you, tho - I really think that's an inside job...and IMO your partner should never be your therapist lol.

My relationships before were combative, chaotic and never long lasting.

I've been in my current relationship for over 6 years now

D

mecanix

I met someone after a few months but couldn't be as free with myself as i wanted and they didn't understand why i was such a "cold fish" , like others have said i was wary of inflicting myself upon or happening at someone , i think i always used to happen to people in my drinking days ...

Running up towards the end of the second year sober i met someone who doesn't drink , it's been pretty good and although there have been up's and down's , they don't overbalance me . I'm a far more centred and well rounded person even in this short time and am still learning and living .

Bestwishes, m

Mountainmanbob

the above seems to be of sound advice

Bob

nvguy

Dee
I totally agree with you on being something you have to do for you within.
I'm just talking about interacting with life and enjoying the other person. I don't think all the personal defects need to come out.
Just my thought....
Nvguy

Dee74

Nothing wrong with friendships and social interaction nvguy

D

Venecia

Sober Composer, I re-read this thread and your follow-up. In the end, we all know ourselves and have to make decisions about when we're ready to be back out there. I responded quickly in your case, though, because I was concerned that you might be thinking of dating at 12 days. That, I can tell you, is too early. Thanks for the clarification. I can see how it might leave the impression I was making judgment on others' decisions, though, and I'd not want that.

desypete

they told me to get a plant and learn how to care for it, if it lives a year then move on to looking after a pet, if that goes well then i should be ready for a relationship

: )

did i listen to this advice ??? nope i jumped right into a new relationship thinking this will fix me as its what was missing in my life, i will not bore you with the details but it ended up with pain again : (

Mountainmanbob

just to get us ready

cactus may work out best for the first plant

pet -- baby bear

not really -- as we know -- the biggest blessing in life is a good partner
but -- the right one may take much time to find
so many wish to jump on the first opportunity

it's hard to find the right one
if we are wasting our time on the wrong one

MM