Mrrryah1

I gave up on giving up drinking recently because I’m sick and tired of changing my mind. Feels like failure to me every time I relapse and maybe it is. I don’t like failure so I stop trying.

The unfortunate realization I’ve come to is that I don’t actually have any other option. If I want to live any semblance of a life I need to stop giving up on giving up.

I’m terrified of what lies ahead if I stay sober, even though I should be much more terrified of what lies ahead if I continue drinking. My brain makes no sense sometimes. I’m depressed beyond belief right now. All I really want to do is crawl in bed and turn off the world completely. Without getting too specific or anything, my thoughts have been really, really, bad lately. Like, maybe the worst they’ve ever been. Very negative and very scary for me.

I have been so scared of losing complete control again, like I have in the past, and ending up in rehab again. I’ve had this fear for the last 2 years since I got OUT of rehab. I’ve managed to keep a job/apartment/etc. etc. and keep my life mildly together on the outside since then. Now I’m actually afraid that I’ll never be able to quit because I’ll never hit a sufficient bottom like I hit in the past. That I will just keep living this way. Appearing OK on the outside and dying on the inside, slowly and painfully.

The fear of continuing to live this way is greater than my fear of dying. That’s for sure.

Scary place to be.

Buggirl

Sounds real scary! You can do this though! We believe in you!

mfanch

When I got to this jumping off place, I had to chose between alcoholic death and help. I chose help and made a PLAN. I then followed the PLAN, no thinking about it, FOLLOWING it. Taking action. I still, to this day, take daily action vis-a-vis my plan to maintain my sobriety. There are many methods to get sober, I would pick one and do it 110%. No more mind-changing. It gets better. It gets SO MUCH BETTER.

Glad you are here.

Gronk

I'm 3 weeks sober today......I never hit "bottom" as I thought bottom was.

You HIT bottom before.....and you are still drinking my friend.....obviously hitting bottom don't mean squat.

Sounds like you need to be talking to someone/people about this.

Perhaps a purpose beyond work. Volunteering at a hospital per se? (just thinking out loud)

PurpleKnight

For me the fears were all about the unknown, what is life going to be like? how am I going to survive without alcohol? social life? friends? etc etc

But when I boiled it all down, drinking myself into oblivion every night after work, throwing up in the morning and merely surviving the next day at work was hardly something to hang on to, were was that life getting me?

I also had a real fear about boredom, but I soon realised that when I quit drinking and was faced with an abundance of time on my hands, how boring my life already was, I didn't do very much other than spend hours drinking, so things could only really improve!!

A leap of faith is what I had to take, I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I knew if I was Sober something positive will happen, whatever that might be, I had everything to gain!!

Thepatman

I am truly sorry you feel so down right now.

One thing you could do is give sobriety a real shot and after a while if your mood doesn't improve you could go see your doctor. You might have some other underlying issues like depression.

Stay strong

Nonsensical

It does if you consider it is addicted to alcohol. Everything you described is pretty much to be expected from an alcoholic's brain.

Dry it out for four months and see if it doesn't start to make more sense.

You can do this.