WendyOR

I came here to get support with a relationship with my xabf. He was spiraling really fast, and was pushing me away, and did. My heart still hurts, but I have remained no contact, other than telling him I need my good camera back, and a few things remaining at his house. In his text he sent back, he said I could pick them up and he hoped I was doing ok. I felt, that was him trying to hook me back in.... I wanted to respond, no you a**... I am not doing ok, my heart hurts and I miss you, and I worry about you... and, and, and, but I just didn't respond at all. I felt guilty for that.

I read here, you don't know how often I come here and read.... so very often. I feel like a sponge trying to absorb everything. I feel others pain, and so many stories are so similar and familiar with the behaviors. I come, I absorb... I read and study up on other reading as well.

The running joke I have with myself is, how long will I be there before I start crying. Sometimes it takes a few posts and reading through them, and other times it is the first post I open. Then I start laughing at myself, thinking... told ya so.

I still love my xabf. I don't know that will ever go away. I do know he treated me unfairly and as soon as alcohol was mentioned, such as I don't feel I want to drink with him, or I am concerned or worried, I was treated so very horribly. HORRID. Never physical as he lives in a different city, but, very emotional abusive.

Now, here I am reading other peoples posts... and learning more about myself. From the outside I think... he or she deserves so much more than that, and I hope he/she can see that... it is easy to see on the outside but when it comes to ourselves... it is so very hard to see that self worth.

That past week or two, I have been trying to really focus on what lead me to this place of complacency where I don't deserve to feel important or wanted or as an equal in a relationship. It is hard... so very hard.

Someone gave me the proper term, for adult children with alcoholic parents, but I have forgotten. I did not have parents that drank, but my childhood was very dysfunctional. I stepped into the room last night or forum and peeked around. Like an ostrich... I quickly put my head in the sand. The people were there, I am sure they must have had it worse, and how dare I even compare my dysfunction to something such as....

Last night I woke up from a nightmare. I don't get them often anymore, but they do still come. I know it is me working on myself. It is the most odd feeling, you feel the weakest, yet, a sense of strength at the same time. I know my parents were not alcoholic, or abusers of substance, but, my life, when I look back at it was my nightmare. I feel like I am at the edge of the river, and I have taken my flip flop off and putting my toes in the water to see how cold it is.

I need to do this.. I have been in years of therapy for something traumatic that happened in my life that did not include my childhood. My childhood wasn't touched.

Sigh, now I go blank... I don't know what I am saying other than this is going to be a really long and winding road. I am scared, I am happy, I am nervous, I am timid, I am wanting to be whole. I want my babies to be whole.
I am so afraid to push this submit button.... but here goes

lillamy

It's so hard to not minimize your own suffering. It really is. I spent years thinking "well at least he doesn't [insert horrid abuse here]." And I'm wondering now -- why could I not see that what I was living was unacceptable? If a girlfriend had told me that her spouse was treating her like AXH was treating me, I would have told her to GTFO and YESTERDAY!

ladyscribbler

^^^This. Yes. I've spent my whole life since childhood feeling like I didn't have any right to complain. Growing up that attitude was instilled in me by both parents, and I adopted it as an adult. I've literally told myself, well, people survived in concentration camps, so my life isn't that bad. Maybe not, but it wasn't that good either. I was pretty much raised to not only accept unacceptable behavior and outright abuse, but also to believe that on some level, I deserved it.
That's been a hard attitude for me to shake. Luckily I have a good therapist who calls me out when she catches me minimizing, so it has gotten easier.

bringiton

Ladyscribbler and lillamy - I catch myself doing that all the time. For a long time I thought it was healthy. I thought of it as a way of keeping things in perspective (I have never been pushed down the stairs so it's not THAT bad). I thought I was helping myself be strong.

WendyOR, my parents we not alcoholics or addicted to a substance but they were old school. Suppress and deny could have been the family motto! Sending you hugs. I hope it felt good to at least get that message out here on SR. Sometimes it helps me in many ways.

theuncertainty

It can be really hard to figure out when a response is 'needed' or not. IMO, from what you posted there was nothing in his message that required a response. No need to feel guilty about not answering because there wasn't a questioned posed that needed an answer. And I know how hard it is to let go of that guilt, but I have to say: it's been really great finally getting to the point where I don't beat myself up for not responding to AXH when I don't need to. (Love, love, love NOT accepting his stupid friend requests on FB or *****. Seriously, what was he thinking? )