Need help/advice, please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 83
Need help/advice, please
Hello,
It has been a long time since I've posted. Things are going well for me in terms of not drinking (ie, I don't), and I'm almost at 8 months!
Due to various things that came up over the summer I haven't been to a meeting in a while and I'm looking for some advice. If I should post this somewhere else, please let me know.
Shortly after I started going to meetings, I broke off a relationship with a friend who was like a best friend to me. There were a lot of things that bothered me about her but one of the things that tipped me over was when I had been 30 days sober and we were at a social function together and while she was getting drunk she was encouraging me, pressuring me, badgering me to drink. Granted, I do think it was in a joking way, but still... "come on - drink with me - you know you want to - mmmmm, yummy wine!" or something to that effect.
I know she was going through a hard time in her own life and actually the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she was purposefully looking to date outside her married relationship. It wasn't something that "just happened" - she was trying to meet people. And she had cheated on her DH a couple times before.
I very abruptly severed ties with her saying that I needed time to myself to figure stuff out and she wouldn't hear from me in a while. Which was the truth.
Of course I felt guilty for up-and-leaving her like that but at some point you need to worry about your own survival, right?
I've worked through a lot of things wrt our relationship and what she represented to me and how my own dysfunction manifested itself and things I put on her (that she doesn't even know about) that were unfair and how there was a sort of co-dependent aspect to the relationship.
I feel like I'm ready to talk with her again and we are meeting on Sunday. Honestly, I don't know that I want to be friends with her again, I just want to release my anger. At the same time I don't want to get in the blame game. But I want her to know she hurt me. But I also want to let it go and release this endless loop that plays in my head. And I would like her to see the role she played in our friendship because it seems to me she has a feeling of superiority (she told me she thinks she's better than everyone), yet at the same time I think it is pain and insecurity. I need help setting boundaries and I've never actually laid them out before.
Sigh. I don't have a sponsor but my boss is actually 20+ years sober and leads a recovery group so I may ask him for advice (he's very open about it).
Thoughts on how to proceed?
It has been a long time since I've posted. Things are going well for me in terms of not drinking (ie, I don't), and I'm almost at 8 months!
Due to various things that came up over the summer I haven't been to a meeting in a while and I'm looking for some advice. If I should post this somewhere else, please let me know.
Shortly after I started going to meetings, I broke off a relationship with a friend who was like a best friend to me. There were a lot of things that bothered me about her but one of the things that tipped me over was when I had been 30 days sober and we were at a social function together and while she was getting drunk she was encouraging me, pressuring me, badgering me to drink. Granted, I do think it was in a joking way, but still... "come on - drink with me - you know you want to - mmmmm, yummy wine!" or something to that effect.
I know she was going through a hard time in her own life and actually the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she was purposefully looking to date outside her married relationship. It wasn't something that "just happened" - she was trying to meet people. And she had cheated on her DH a couple times before.
I very abruptly severed ties with her saying that I needed time to myself to figure stuff out and she wouldn't hear from me in a while. Which was the truth.
Of course I felt guilty for up-and-leaving her like that but at some point you need to worry about your own survival, right?
I've worked through a lot of things wrt our relationship and what she represented to me and how my own dysfunction manifested itself and things I put on her (that she doesn't even know about) that were unfair and how there was a sort of co-dependent aspect to the relationship.
I feel like I'm ready to talk with her again and we are meeting on Sunday. Honestly, I don't know that I want to be friends with her again, I just want to release my anger. At the same time I don't want to get in the blame game. But I want her to know she hurt me. But I also want to let it go and release this endless loop that plays in my head. And I would like her to see the role she played in our friendship because it seems to me she has a feeling of superiority (she told me she thinks she's better than everyone), yet at the same time I think it is pain and insecurity. I need help setting boundaries and I've never actually laid them out before.
Sigh. I don't have a sponsor but my boss is actually 20+ years sober and leads a recovery group so I may ask him for advice (he's very open about it).
Thoughts on how to proceed?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Personally, I wouldn't proceed. Is it going to make you feel better by making her feel bad? I think you did absolutely the right thing to break it off with her, but I think leaving it at that might be the best option.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Auntie, I agree with Anna.
I think you have to think about what you want. Do you want closure or to rekindle this friendship.
If you want closure then IMO, you have already succeeded. Your actions were not selfish and carried you to 8 months sober. Sometimes we need to separate ourselves from a detrimental situation even if it means letting a friend go their own way. In this case, a meeting with her would not create anything in addition to what you already have; again, IMHO.
If you do want to rekindle this relationship; with boundaries; my question would be why? If your reasons are strong enough and you do want to re-enter this friendship, be careful.
The last thing you want to do is sabotage efforts with 8 months sobriety under your belt.
Best of luck in this decision!
I think you have to think about what you want. Do you want closure or to rekindle this friendship.
If you want closure then IMO, you have already succeeded. Your actions were not selfish and carried you to 8 months sober. Sometimes we need to separate ourselves from a detrimental situation even if it means letting a friend go their own way. In this case, a meeting with her would not create anything in addition to what you already have; again, IMHO.
If you do want to rekindle this relationship; with boundaries; my question would be why? If your reasons are strong enough and you do want to re-enter this friendship, be careful.
The last thing you want to do is sabotage efforts with 8 months sobriety under your belt.
Best of luck in this decision!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 83
Good questions, thank you. I actually don't know what I want. I felt compelled to schedule a meeting because when I was in college a friend dropped me seemingly out of the blue and I never knew why. I felt like I owed it to this person to at least give both of us some closure. While I did tell her I needed space last time, I don't think I handled it the best way.
I don't think I could make her feel bad, actually. One, because I'm not one to go on the attack and say "you did this and that and the other thing and you're a jerk!" While I do want her to understand my perspective, my goal isn't to make her feel bad or punish her.
I guess for me I see it as a bit of closure, of stepping up and owning up to my own faults, because relationships aren't one-sided and I am not perfect. I feel somehow like this is a step *I* have to take to clear up any confusion about the root of the issue.
When I said release my anger, I didn't mean that I wanted to release a torrent of anger upon her, but release it from myself and let it go and move past it.
Lots to think about, thank you.
I don't think I could make her feel bad, actually. One, because I'm not one to go on the attack and say "you did this and that and the other thing and you're a jerk!" While I do want her to understand my perspective, my goal isn't to make her feel bad or punish her.
I guess for me I see it as a bit of closure, of stepping up and owning up to my own faults, because relationships aren't one-sided and I am not perfect. I feel somehow like this is a step *I* have to take to clear up any confusion about the root of the issue.
When I said release my anger, I didn't mean that I wanted to release a torrent of anger upon her, but release it from myself and let it go and move past it.
Lots to think about, thank you.
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