Teggie

Well maybye things are better, I'm not sure really. My AO that I'm seperated from came by yesterday to look at my car (it's been leaking green stuff and smoking...acccck) Our son has been visiting him for the last few days and he was bringing him home. He's been working he says on a few contract jobs but hasn't gotton paid much, but offered to send me money when he could. Said his back and neck problems limit the type of work he can do. So he said he'd keep my car running, he ended up doing a few other things too, I didn't ask him he just did it. Later that night I get an IM from him, kinda a story there, we first met 6 years ago through an IM, and funny thing is we communicate better through writing than face to face. So we are talking about general stuff, he's talking to the kids etc etc later in the conversation it starts.....He tells me he loves us, that he thought I wanted him to leave, how he didn't see how depressed I was and how sorry he was for that, how it hurt him to leave after his visit, how he was terrified of losing me for good, over and over how sorry he is. I admit I love him too but too many issues need dealt with. I tell him how I felt like he didn't love us anymore and just wanted out, I tell him about my alanon, what I've found out about myself, about my issues I'm trying to work on. I'm honest and say I ping pong between loving him and hating him, remembering the man he was and the man who took too many pills and drove drunk with the kids. The man that walked out regardless of his motives of doing it. He only acknowledges the statement about the addiction. Only offers that he's started going to church doesn't mention AA. Acknowledges alanon is good for me but said "take it with a grain of salt" WTF does that mean anyways? He tells me when he was in AA before he had an issue with Alanon, huh? I tell him it's the best thing I've found. He calls alanon "my port in the storm" It goes on and on about how much he wants to try to work it out, how he wants to be the man I loved. How sorry he is, admits he has issues and asks if I do. I say hell yeah! BIG ONES!! Says he worries about the kids because I get so stressed sometimes. Said "don't forget about reality" I tell him I could'nt forget it if I tried. So we get through talking and I'm thinking about it all. I make a list of good and bad things from the conversation.
Good:
we are communicating, and not fighting
we both have a desire to try to work on our relationship
I'm in alanon
he's keeping a relationship with his son, and didn't run away
I beleive he does love us and wants to work things out.

Bad:
Addiction isn't being addressed
Financial responsibility is not being fufilled
Love isn't enough
My family wants to kill him
He's feeling threatened by my recovery? alot of statements seemed to me to convey that.
I'm feeling a little pushed and feel maybye he doesn't think the addiction is serious enough to warrant AA. Thats his responsibility I know that, but I see it as an issue


So I review that list over and over, decide that maybye it's a little too much too soon, think I need to pull back a little. Lower the window so to speak, not shut it completley just lower it. Let him converse more with the kids and less with me for abit. I'm feeling that familiar ache in the pit of my stomach, that can't be good. Anyways sorry, yet again for the loooong post, I post here alot for my own reinforcment and to reach out yet again to y'all for guidance and hope. Thanks again Teggie

Rose56

Teggie,
I agree with your assessment of the good and bad points. Great idea to give yourself a little space from him. Space may help you persepective and make your next move seem clear. Hang in there, you sound good. Call an alanon friend.

Nightowl

I think he is feeling very threatened by your recovery. Probably realizes that you will sticking up more for you and be there less unconditionally for him?? Human nature though. Let him feel that way but don't give into it.

I also think you are right, he doesn't recognize HIS need for help. Would concern me too.

As to your family...they need to stay out of it. It is between you and him. My family is always in my business and it convalutes everything. Try to just reassure them that you are taking care of yourself and you thank them for loving you and supporting you when you need it. I talk WAY too much about my problems to friends and family and then they know my business way too much. It makes my life complicated in the end.

I'm in your same position. I long for my SO. I long for a hug and a kiss (and more ), I get that feeling in my stomach too. But time apart is good too. I like your idea about lowering but not closing the window. You are strong!! Doing good and inspiring me with your comments.

Magichappens

Teggie,
I am glad that you are giving yourself some time to heal and grow. I had to let go of controling what was going to happen, and focus on getting my head and heart together. It is easy to fall back into all the old stuff. It is hard to change. It is so worth it and you are so worth it. The relationship between you and your husband isn't going away today or soon for that matter. Putting it on the back burner will give you time and perspective on what you want for yourself. You may want him, and you may not. Either way, you are taking time for yourself. I bet you don't remember the last time you did that. Good for you! Hugs, Magic

Teggie

Thanks y'all, I always feel better after I read the responses. It kinda reaffirms what I really already know deep down inside. I still doubt myself alot, it's getting better but it's still there. And after nearly losing my sanity the first time you can bet I'm a whole lot gunshy. I feel safe here, in my old rent house with it's window ac units from the 50's and it's weird noises at night lol. I get sad alot but I'm in control of myself, for the first time in a very long time. It's a good feeling. I am lonely like you Night, I miss him and all the things good things there were in the relationship. But the bad things were there too, I can't forget that. So I go foreward, and hope I keep on the right track and while I do that I reach out and offer whatever kind of support and encouragment I can give to others. It's the way it works no?
Thanks for putting up with me, y'all are just wonderful!!.......Hugs! Teggie

Teggie

Still hanging onto what I said I'd do ...lol, he was online early and immediatley wanted to talk via IM, I said hello and then I set the kids at the computer to take turns talking to him while I went and hung curtains all evening. I think the phone may have rung too, but I was hanging upside down in my daughters room and could'nt have possibly got to it in time and geez I have to work a 12hr shift tomorrow night. Oh! and my alanon class comes after that. What's a recovering gal to do? The kids really enjoyed thier time talking to him, and I spent time working on the house and conversing with my mom. I love him, I do hope it works out eventually, and I'm willing to work on my part of it, but it was nice to say Self, I'm gonna take a day or two off to concentrate on other things and actually do it. Actually not be there just because he expects and wants me to. Because I feel I need a little space from him right now. I feel stronger already and will be better able to communicate more effectivly the next time we talk and discuss things. Well off I go, I do have to work tomorrow night (BAH! dang bills) and go to alanon after that. Hugs! Teggie

Rose56

Teggie, you sound great! I'm so glad that you gave yourself some time off. Keep taking care of yourself and everything will work out. Ever onward!!!