RedheadJen

I've posted on this site a couple of times. I've tried quitting a couple of times, had my marriage threatened several times. I've been given way too many chances than I deserve.

My husband has always been an enabler, not really intentionally. He just always said he gave in because "he wanted to see me happy". We were happy with me just drinking 2x a week, and I would always ALWAYS push it. There were weeks at a time I was drinking almost every single night. I've been to work hung-over (yea that sucked), and that's not something that I'm proud of.

We've been having financial troubles over the last few months and my mother in law passed away four months ago. My husband and I were very close, clinging to each other, for the last few months, but now that time is passing and life is "moving on" (so to speak), reality is setting in. I know this probably isn't making much sense, forgive me, but I have a major headache right now.

My husband (as I probably posted on here before) has threatened me with divorce several times. He even had me stop by the courthouse and pick up my own divorce papers back in October. He gave me another chance, do you think I changed? PFffftttt of course not ....

We got in to an argument a couple weeks ago, and I told him I would save him the $5 for the divorce paperwork and he could fill it out himself. Now, this man doesn't like to fill out paperwork mind you, but........

We got in to a huge argument, with me trashed, selfish, hollering, slamming things/doors and somehow managed to lock myself out of the house after smoking like 3 cigarettes in a row. I passed out on the couch, where I was undertandably ordered to sleep......went to work the next day and when I got home from work, he had filled out the divorce papers I was crushed, our marriage had never come down to this level and it broke my heart. I begged, I pleaded, I cried.

Let me back up a little....my ex-husband is a severe alcoholic and he and I have 3 children together. My husband and I do not. They are 9, 10, and 12 years old, beautiful kids My ex's wife called me last week and said "Jen I just wanted to let you know in case something happens that 'Joe' is on his last leg." I was like Huhhh?? lol She said that she honestly believes that Joe is dying. He's yellow, sleeping all the time, he's puking up foam, pooping out blood (Sorry I know, TMI), he needs two nips in the morning before he gets out of bed to prevent severe shaking. She said he's gained some weight, which I said, if it is cirrhosis (sp?) would be fluid retention. She said he wants to get help but before the dr. would prescribe any medication, he would have to do a blood test on his liver. She will find out more on Friday when he goes for the results of this blood test.

I don't have much to go on, but it sounds to me like he doesn't have long to live. And what would me continuing to drink do to those 3 children??? Leave them parent-less that's what. That phone call changed my life. I did drink a few days after that (the day of the fight) because I have just had so much going on lately.

So, my husband and I haven't talked about the status of our marriage yet today, but he did say that he dumped my bottle of rum out and "if I was sticking around here" there was to be no alcohol in the house. I told him I was planning on stopping anyway because of my ex-husband. My children need me.

I'm a very impatient person and I know this post probably makes no sense......I just cannot fast-forward time, although sometimes I wish I could I know that really at this point, all I can do is choose not to drink every single day. But like I said, I'm impatient. I wish today were a month from now and I could say to him "Look dear, I haven't drank for a month!!!" Instead all I do is replay that awful night 2 nights ago and dwell on the fact those filled out divorce papers are sitting in this very same room I'm in right now.

I know that not drinking will eventually make me feel better. I always read this site when I'm getting motivation to cut down/quit/stop drinking. I sleep better, my mood is better, I'm happier. But right now, I'm so flipping depressed (in part that nothing else about our marriage has been mentioned), I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to quit, but some stupid selfish part of me doesn't........I'm lonely, scared, sad, I haven't eaten in two days (I get nauseous if I try to eat when I'm stressed or depressed). I know it's for the best and things will be so much better when I do.

I want to prove to my husband TODAY I can do this, but I can't I guess just time.....and that's the hard part (well one of them) I'm sorry this sounds so jumbled, I really can't think straight.......

Anna

You're right you can't prove to your husband today that you can do this. You can't. I was as impatient as you are and I simply had to learn to be patient. There was no other way. Your husband will see from your actions that you are changing, but it will take time, maybe a lot of time.

So, try to relax, take care of yourself and stay sober. Try to focus on staying in the moment and not dwelling on the past problems at this time. Above all, keep in mind that your children need you.

jadealexander

It's great that you came here and are thinking of your children. Let your ex and his wife handle their situation. You need to focus on you. Before committing yourself to recovery. Start small. Get research. Know your options. Not every treatment program is good for everyone. Maybe start at your primary doctor. Get tests done. Ask them for options.

Nonsensical

Welcome back.

I would venture a guess that alcohol is responsible for most of the anxiety you are feeling. I used to think it's effects were out of my system after 24 hours.

NOPE!

It takes months for the human brain to recover from persistent alcohol use. One of the main persistent side effects - anxiety.

You have to wait it out. Find something to do to stay busy. Sitting around thinking about NOT drinking is painful. Clean the baseboards. Anything. Just don't sit and dwell.

You can do this.