Pia

I was pondering how do you tell someone that they are sick without it turning into a tug of war argument?

He reminded me of our discussion that took place awhile ago and now he says he wants help.I made the comment to AH that he has no moral compass and he was an addict. I know, I know . telling an addict he is one is not the best approach but at the time I was upset and expressed myself very explicitly.

I told him there was so many avenues he can use to educate himself. In/Out Patient treatment-AAA-Therapy-12 Step etc.

I advised him that I was not capable of dealing and talking to him in a manner that will benefit him and he needs to get help from professionals.

Any suggestions?

FeelingGreat

Radiant, I don't think telling an addict they are one is necessarily wrong. They may not realise it, or could just need reminding. Trying to fix them is a different scenario.

If he really really wants to stop, he'll do the research.

desypete

i dont tell anyone there sick, i tell them about help if they might need it
in other words i dont tell them anything but i offer up suggestions as the one thing i know about me is if someone tells me i tend to go the other way

i never knew i was sick until much later on when the fog started to clear and thats the problem with people still stuck in the madness they will not see it and defend themselves over it

ladyscribbler

That makes a lot of sense. I also agree that if he wants to reach for that help, he will do the necessary footwork.
Whenever I've said anything to my ex, he immediately starts up with the defensiveness and denials. The fact is, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking. I was the one who had a problem with it.
I remember how resistant I was to the idea that I was just as sick as the alcoholic. Took quite a bit of reading here and Alanon attendance for the idea to sink in. I think that's a struggle on both sides of the street.
I'm grateful that I've gained the clarity to see my own part in the whole mess, and I'm working on having more compassion for my ex. That's been a struggle, though. I'm always grateful to the RAs and double winners for posting their experiences. I'm someone who really needs that perspective.

Mango blast

The LEAP Institute

An article I read about the founder of the LEAP Institute really helped me. I haven't read any of his books yet, but I relate well to this concept. It also promotes not telling someone they're sick, as that often promotes denial and defensiveness. I react that way as well. As soon as someone says, "you're doing this, I have a knee-jerk reaction to deny and argue about that if I'm not first in a mental place of being open to hearing it -- and even then it can be hard. At least now I have awareness that I'm doing it, but I still do that. Maybe adding "being open to input" and "thinking and breathing before responding" to my own meditations.

Also Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. There are many things about this that strikes as perhaps being easier and more effective advice for earlier stages of the disease, yet the more I read the more I get out of it -- especially for myself.

Stung

If he wants help he'll go find it. Finding AA meetings isn't hard and it's practically free. You don't need to tell him he's sick, if he's in denial it won't do any good and if he's not in denial then he's already aware of whatever you could possibly tell him.

You can't help him until he's ready to help himself...when he's ready to help himself you'll know by his actions, not his words.

hopeful4

I think you are doing the right thing Radiant. They have to want it enough to do the legwork themselves.

XXX

fourmaggie

thats it, its not up to you no more....seems you have hit your rock bottom...any program for you?

dandylion

Radiant....the way I look at it....nothing you do or say will make any difference in the final end. If he isn't ready...he won't do it. If he IS....he won't let you stop him.

If you don't like to argue (for your own serenity)....I don't advise using the word "sick"...or any other "label". The phrase, "reaching for recovery" might do the job. This is as much for your own comfort as anything else.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

I guess my first question is "why" you'd want to tell them that, as opposed to "how". He knows his life is a mess. When he's ready to own up to his part of that, he will. Until then, you'll only fuel the ongoing drama between you (which is, I suspect, exactly what he wants).

Tansy

I wouldn't waste your breath. My exah is moving out on Friday and was whining he isn't going to have any money for a month. I said "That's not my fault" to which he retorted "It certainly isn't mine." 18 years of his drinking, in debt up to my eyeballs cos of it and he's still in denial, still can't see why we are divorcing, still blaming factors that are irrelevant. What did I do? Walked away. I won't give him air time anymore.

Hammer

How do you tell them?

Perhaps you (we) do not.

Here is how that question looked for me . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html

Funny part now, is STBXAW is now telling the kids that we could get along fine, IF I would just say that she is all okay.

It is AAAAA -- Always All About the Alcoholic or Addict.

Pia

Thank you everyone. I was posting the question as if I ever run across someone like this again.

The way I handled it with AH was not exactly a tactful way i'm just blunt but working on that. I need help with nice tactful ways.

Old me would say : Stop drinking so much it's stupid be normal.
New me : ????? run

Everyone makes valid points and I've been around the block now a few times to know he has to want help, Actions speak louder than words.

I don't want him back even if he got help, I have read enough to know when they do finally get help it's still not the same. To much damage in this relationship and i'm just happy being alone right now.

Pia

Gosh Hammer I know I have seen this so many times but wow what another eye opener.

It is AAAAA -- Always All About the Alcoholic or Addict.[/QUOTE]

AnvilheadII

radiant....finding HELP for addiction is not a secret anymore. ANY addict who wants HELP can easily find it! if he REALLY wants help, he'll get it. and it won't involve you. consider yourself retired from the HELP HIM club! you've been deactivated and are in the Hall of Fame. it's HIS ballgame now.....