travis9028

This is my day 2. After my significant other made it clear to me that I am a different person whom she does not like and is not resulting to the end of our relationship I know i need to be sober. I've battled it with my parents growing up and when I went to college nothing improved. I drank constantly to get hammered, to drown sorrows, and became quite unruly and dangerous. I even had the near death experience of slamming my truck into a tree between 60 and 70 mph when i was 20 because I passed out drunk behind the wheel.

I am 25, so pretty much all of the people i am exposed to drink and party, most of them quite often. Should i tell these people outright that I want to quit using alcohol? Do I try to find new friends? Does anyone have experience getting their spouses to try this with them?!?! I a quite scared of the ridicule that I will receive for giving this new lifestyle my full attention and the hard times it may bring me socially.

Thepatman

It's possible to keep the same friends, some have done it before.

But to make an omelet, we need to break some eggs in the process.

For me it would be impossible to go my my old friend parties without being triggered by the environment. Specially in early recovery, you have to surround yourself with healthy people.

PurpleKnight

Hey Travis, I continued on a need to know basis, it worked out easier that way, I didn't make any big announcements, just left it until I was out somewhere or in the company with someone, and then said I was drinking today etc, and left it at that!!

Naturally I found that a lot of people drifted away, and I made new friends in the new activities that I got involved in, when it comes people, even relationships, you need to do this for YOU, regardless of what others say!!

I also worried about a lot of these things too, but as I mentioned somehow it all worked out in a natural way through primarily focusing on my Sobriety!!

You can do this!!

least

You may need to make some new friends. You don't have to make any big 'announcements', just say you're not drinking today. It's for your health, after all.

Nuudawn

That is what we call a "barrier" to sobriety. Honey you almost killed yourself 5 years ago. Did you give sobriety a go at that time?

There is no doubt this issue is going to change your social life dramatically. I spent the last few decades of my life "partying"...only to realize that if I took alcohol out of the equation..I really don't like sitting around at bars or attending big "social mixers"where the purpose is to...drink. I got drunk cuz well...that's what I liked to do (never really spent any time or energy developing other interests). The younger I was the more public drunkeness there was.

If your social life and friendships revolve around drinking..it's an uphill battle. Is your wife a heavy drinker? Does she like to go to movies or do things without alcohol?

Anna

There are some hard choices in early recovery.

I wouldn't worry about getting your spouse to stop with you. If it happens, it does, but don't hinge your recovery on someone else. As for friends, I didn't tell people. It was simply a personal journey for me. But, I did make a lot of changes as far as people and activities in my life.

wellvoice

Great advice here. I wanted to make another point: Travis, I may be wrong, but it sounds as though your SO has basically given you an ultimatum: Sober up in order to keep the relationship? Of course you value your relationship and this will be one of your motivations to stay sober. But I wanted to caution you to pursue a sober life for the right reasons: What are YOUR motivations for giving up the booze? You need to get in touch with the reasons inside YOU for choosing a better life or you will most likely do this with resentment and fall down.

Please try this: Grab an A4 sheet of paper and write down four headings: 1. Pros of drinking 2. Cons of drinking 3. Pros of living a sober life. 4. Cons of not living a sober life. This is a very powerful exercize that will help you to build up the motivation inside of YOU and will set you up for success.

Just for the record, I tried to get sober for a relationship once. I only resented it and it didn't work. This time around, I'm doing it for ME with no pressure or judgement from anybody else.

Hope this helps.

SoberHoopsFan

It can be very tough to quit drinking if you make no changes in your life (hanging around same crowd, doing same activities, etc.). However, you may be surprised that there are people in your life that are not as obsessed with the drink as you are and are willing to engage in sober activities with you instead. You also have an opportunity to make new friends that don't spend their whole lives partying, trust me, plenty of those people are out there, we just don't see them when we are in the "scene."

bigsombrero

I'm from the Midwest as well, and in my case I found that slowly stepping away from my old crowd was best for me. I didn't just disappear in a flash, but I kind of just faded away - no announcements or dramatic exits. In the end, I found that my sobriety was more important than spending yet another Saturday-Sunday doing Badger/Packer/Vikings/Bears pub crawls. I could watch the game at home and still enjoy it, with the added bonus that I got to live a manageable life moving forward. It's tough to kind of "go solo into the great beyond", but there's something kind of cool about it, too. You'll be fine no matter what your choices are, as long as you stay sober, but it might be worth opening up your world a little bit and considering bigger and broader options for your future.

travis9028

This is so awesome with the feedback and support ya'll. Update: Significant other and i had a very good conversation tonight and we have decided that our separation is best. I is not because of my drinking, there were just instances throughout the relationship where i learned about the unsavory side of me and alcohol. I am doing this for me and especially since the conclusion was made about us due to differences of both parties. I have a good feeling about moving forward. A good thing for me to ask now: what kind of activities can i try or involve myself in that are conducive to living a sober lifestyle?

I do enjoy anything outdoors, i go to the local archery range and such places, I am thinking about picking my gym membership back up after i determine my finances after moving into my new place. Any activities others have tried that would be worth a shot?

Nuudawn

Holy Mackeral Andy...that's quite an update. You're good with the separation Travis? You sound strong in this last post and somehow more motivated to sobriety? Perhaps it's my imagination.

MythOfSisyphus

You have a lot to ponder, travis9028. Let's take the first part- you seem to have finally realized you have to quit drinking to save your life. Let me repeat, you have to quit drinking to save your life. I've never known anyone go from that level of blackout drinking and near-death to normal-drinker. But let's say you had a 1 in 100,000 chance of being able to drink normally. Would you take that chance? Against those odds? I wouldn't!

You have to decide to quit for you, not for anyone else. If you and your SO decide to spit, that might suck or it might be for the best. Relationships aren't my strong suit to put it mildly. Sobriety is a totally separate issue.

When I quit I had the same fears as you have. I work in an industry where alcohol abuse is rampant, and I don't think I work with a single person that doesn't drink. At first I kept my newfound sobriety on the QT. Then as I felt more confident I mentioned it to a few people in a low key way. But eventually I began to "own it" and started to open up about not drinking. I shared some of my worst "war stories" to help explain why I had to quit.

I got sober at 43, and by that time I was worn out from all the decades of binges and hangovers. I was ready to quit. At first I felt almost glad that I had all my wild years of partying since now I wouldn't feel like I'd "missed out" on anything.

Man, what a foolish thought! I'd missed out on everything! My drinking blew up my marriage and lead to my divorce. It ruined plenty of other relationships along the way, too. It hurt my health, it cheated me out of time with my family I will never get back and it hurt my career.

Will you lose friends and need to get new ones? Probably. That happens anyway as you go through life. But another thing that happens is that you solidify friendships with people you maybe ignored; now you will have things in common with normal people, not just barfly's and vampires.

Lots of things are conducive so a sober life. The first is not drinking! Archery is great! Starting a regimen of working out and getting healthy is also a great idea.

IOAA2

Hi. When I finally sobered up it was strongly impressed upon us that we to strive to get sober for ourselves and all other reasons will fall into place as we continue to sober up. We may not like that but sobriety is #1, not the family, job, friends or other people, places or things we can conjure up in out mocus minds. I and most sober people have been there and done it.
Friends being alcoholic and getting and staying sober is work, not just for today.

BE WELL

Mountainmanbob

if you are truly wanting to stay sober

I think that the answer to your above questions asked would be (yes)

it's not an easy thing to do

but, if one is alcoholic

the new day offered in sobriety beats any day in which we drank

MM

travis9028

I have told a couple very close friends about my current situation and from the reactions I've gotten the support will be good as they have seen me struggle with booze and my health. I am feeling wickedly motivated and strong! I am not doing this to try to save a relationship because that is not an option at all. However the flaws of the relationship were able to supply the affirmation from past experiences that I still haven't been able to control drinking at all, or myself. If I was told I could be given the chance to be a social drinker I would have to say no. My personality has always pushed me to the next level, now I intend to harness that in a way actually benefiting me.

travis9028

No I am not that great with separation. That's why I'm inquiring so much about activities. I am more motivated because of the people I have made clear to of my choice (my mother, significant other, close friends) they all agree and have unconditionally told me that it is for the best for me. Especially due to my epilepsy and how that is effected by drinking.