Timeiskey

(sorry this is a long one!) Over the past five weeks, I have been working towards accepting that my relationship is over. I have posted repeatedly here and I want to say that enough is enough. One of my SR friends said that I was beating the proverbial dead horse...at first I was a little stunned by that remark. After all, since we live right next door to each other, there have been some unexpected interactions...and some expected ones. The Cody in me kept the emotional door open and I have been put through the ringer for it- sometime by his hand and often by my own...and I accept my part in this continual pain.

Another SR friend described the road to acceptance as one where you are driving through a deep fog that seems endless, until one moment when you just drive through it and into the clear day. Who knows what will finally trigger that acceptance?

For me, the clearing fog begins with the culmination of a week of emotional highs and lows and confusing run-ins with my ex abf. From us arguing all night, to him slamming the door in my face the next day, to him calling me to apologize and asking if we can be friends and hang out soon, to him disregarding my request to have my space, from his friendliness when I have withdrawn- to his distance when I do finally engage in his kind banter...up and down- round and round we go! I know what I have been hoping for- let's be honest- that he would realize what he lost and finally get his s**t together, but I understand it takes more than a momentary self realization for an addict to do that. And I also see now that his continued play with me is all about his narcissistic ego. ("Oh, she smiled and kept walking, well I need to talk to her...oh, she is willing to talk and seems friendly, well now she needs to know that I don't want to deal with her")

The final straw that broke this camel's back came yesterday. Now, the night before, I returned home from hanging with some friends and went to walk my dog. My ex wasn't on my mind. I was in a perfectly healthy and happy mood...and then there he was- going into his house as I rounded the side of our mutual courtyard on my dog walk. I didn't see him- he could have simply gone into his house, or waived and continued on with his business as he has done in the past, but he wanted to engage me and I didn't have my guard up so I engaged. But of course, as soon as I respond and begin talking and smiling, his attitude changed and he just wanted to go inside and be left alone. And I foolishly fell for the drama and asked, "so you don't want to talk? you just want to engage me and when I show interest, just walk away?"- which I know is confrontational and useless...

So yesterday, I go to walk my dog and I forgot to leash him, so he runs onto the porch (which I can't see from my front door so I never know if he is going to be out there) where my ex and our mutual neighbor are talking...my ex pats my dog then tells him (not even me)- "alright dog- get going on your walk" and then turns away- my other neighbor sort of frowned in confusion and I all I did was say hello to our neighbor, smiled broadly and called my dog back to my side and confidently walked away...but it was a not-so-subtle- get lost to me that I felt- and it sure didn't feel good...so, I feel like I lost my power in the last week. When we first broke up, I had no idea but I had the power- he was hiding, staying away, feeling sorry for himself and feeling like he needed to give me space since I was angry---now, I feel disrespected.

SO- the point- I am done. Done. Done. From this moment on, I will not acknowledge his presence. I will leash my dog before I leave the house, so he can't run up to my ex and create an interaction. If I see him in the park, I will walk in another direction. I will not look him in the eyes, I will not answer his greetings, he no longer exists. No contact is very difficult when you live next to someone and I don't want to be rude, but even a friendly greeting isn't working, because I see him everyday, sometimes several times a day. And I want him to know that he will not get what he wants in this situation- which is to feel comfortable treating me with warmth and then coldness just to feed his ridiculous ego.

If you have any other suggestions for me, I would love to hear them...but no, I am not moving- I will not give him that power and I will not spend another dime because of this crappy and ended relationship.

SparkleKitty

I just don't think you have to worry about appearing 'rude'. You have a lot of history that makes it really really okay for you to ignore him if that is what is best for you and moving is not an option. You are perfectly valid in wanting "no contact" to mean exactly what it says.

But here: "And I want him to know that he will not get what he wants in this situation- which is to feel comfortable treating me with warmth and then coldness just to feed his ridiculous ego."

Rather than worry about what he wants, or about whether you're giving it to him or what it's doing, you have the power to simply stop feeding the drama at all. You can do this by putting your focus on you, one choice at a time. Sending you strength and patience.

Timeiskey

Thanks Sparkle,

You are right about wanting him to feel something...that is just my immediate anger at myself and him... and I am working on focusing on me- making healthier choices. I appreciate the support! HUGS!!!

HealingWillCome

I think you've expressed everything normal that goes on in this type of relationship. A break-up with an alcoholic/addict is a merry-go-round. It just takes some time to decide when you're going to jump off for good.

Hang tough, and yes, you will come through the fog. After a while it finally clicks that you can have virtually no expectations of him, because he will continue to be completely unpredictable. Sounds like he needs to know whether he still has you hooked or not...totally the norm for a guy who feeds on attention. Hang in there! Hugs to you.

Timeiskey

Many Hugs Healing- as always, I appreciate your support.

TalenCrowhaven

This guy is really a rollercoaster in a tornado! Major game playing going on.

Classic case of I want what I can't have until I get it, and then I don't want it anymore - in the extreme! I was involved with one of these a long time ago, and he was a walk in the park compared to this one

~~~~~~~~Sending you strong no contact vibes aimed directly at your backbone.~~~~~~~~

Hang in there. Someday you will look back and go "What did I ever see in this drama queen???"


(((Hugs)))

hopeful4

Good for you. It's just not worth how it makes you feel.

XXX