Not in a good place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Not in a good place
I'm relatively new to SR but wanted to reach out to ask if this feeling is normal? I felt so empowered initially when coming to SR because I learned about codependency and cutting ties and prioritizing myself. But for the past 3-4 days I feel like the reality of this empowering information makes it pretty clear it's over for me and my AD. I have lost faith that she will ever change and achieve her dreams or live happy and healthy AND even if she did break through and choose life over addiction which is all I pray for, I don't see myself ever wanting to place myself in a relationship with her again as it just sucked too much out of me and the rest of the family. So, sadly I feel like it's over for us either way. I think I spent so much time praying her life to be healthy and good and trying to "fix" it that now that I have learned so much from SR, I don't want to fall back into a relationship with her of any kind as there is no trust - NONE - and I don't think there ever will be. I love her as a mother loves her child, but truthfully and it's hard to say, I hate her for what she is done to herself and all of us for the past 10 years and I feel so guilty about it. Can anyone help me out of this terrible turn I feel lately?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Amy, I'm so sorry for your pain. I suppose that once hope dies you go into a period of mourning.
If your AD does recover anything may be possible, but it's not something you can influence at this stage, except by never enabling.
Are you seeing a counsellor to help you work through your understandable grief?
If your AD does recover anything may be possible, but it's not something you can influence at this stage, except by never enabling.
Are you seeing a counsellor to help you work through your understandable grief?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry you are struggling. Tight Hugs.
For me the realization that it's a grief process was big. You mourn the loss of a relationship just like you do a death. And it's stages and tides. One day is good, others not so much. You have to work through those feelings. It's good you are open to seeing someone. Counseling (with someone who specializes in addiction) paired with Celebrate Recovery got me through some of my darkest days. And of course, the lovely people here at SR are amazing!
Realizing what I was experiencing was good for me. I hope this helps at all, I feel like I am just rambling trying to get this across LOL.
Keep posting, you are not alone! We are here to walk this with you, no matter what decisions you make!
For me the realization that it's a grief process was big. You mourn the loss of a relationship just like you do a death. And it's stages and tides. One day is good, others not so much. You have to work through those feelings. It's good you are open to seeing someone. Counseling (with someone who specializes in addiction) paired with Celebrate Recovery got me through some of my darkest days. And of course, the lovely people here at SR are amazing!
Realizing what I was experiencing was good for me. I hope this helps at all, I feel like I am just rambling trying to get this across LOL.
Keep posting, you are not alone! We are here to walk this with you, no matter what decisions you make!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There are 3 "A's" that we talk about here sometimes..
Acknowledgement...where we say out loud that there IS a problem and its name is addiction. Relief comes from this, just getting it out with people who truly understand.
Acceptance...this may be where you are now, it's the hard part where we face the reality of what addiction does and how very powerless we are to stop it. Acceptance is not condoning it, it is an honest appraisal of what is, and it often brings grief and sadness as we mourn the loss of "what was" and "what might have been".
Action...this is where we know we have to move to get out of the darkness that has encompassed our lives. Going to meetings and/or counseling, making healthy changes in our lives like setting boundaries and learning to heal and find our balance again...and working daily on our own recovery because we cannot live in the darkness of addiction any more.
Keep moving forward, you will be okay, I promise. Some of recovery is painful, change is painful, but I promise you it is less painful than staying stuck where we were before we found recovery.
We're walking with you and cheering you on. You don't have to do this alone anymore.
Hugs
Acknowledgement...where we say out loud that there IS a problem and its name is addiction. Relief comes from this, just getting it out with people who truly understand.
Acceptance...this may be where you are now, it's the hard part where we face the reality of what addiction does and how very powerless we are to stop it. Acceptance is not condoning it, it is an honest appraisal of what is, and it often brings grief and sadness as we mourn the loss of "what was" and "what might have been".
Action...this is where we know we have to move to get out of the darkness that has encompassed our lives. Going to meetings and/or counseling, making healthy changes in our lives like setting boundaries and learning to heal and find our balance again...and working daily on our own recovery because we cannot live in the darkness of addiction any more.
Keep moving forward, you will be okay, I promise. Some of recovery is painful, change is painful, but I promise you it is less painful than staying stuck where we were before we found recovery.
We're walking with you and cheering you on. You don't have to do this alone anymore.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Hugs to you Amysad
I have been here on SR for a while. My daughter is also the addict in my life. I have come a long way with the honest help of friends here and a counselor. Eight years ago I too felt hopeless when I started this journey. I never thought my daughter and I would ever have a relationship. This last year has been a cautious welcome for both of us. We are speaking to each other again and actually spent a day together celebrating her birthday. During the last eight years I had to completely let go of my daughter. I prayed for her everyday, but didn't let her addition consume my life. I had other family members who I had neglected too long. I guess my main point is that we both grew during this time of no contact. I think God knew when the time was right to unite us again. Hang in there, pray for your daughter, and focus on the ones who love you. Hugs to you!
I have been here on SR for a while. My daughter is also the addict in my life. I have come a long way with the honest help of friends here and a counselor. Eight years ago I too felt hopeless when I started this journey. I never thought my daughter and I would ever have a relationship. This last year has been a cautious welcome for both of us. We are speaking to each other again and actually spent a day together celebrating her birthday. During the last eight years I had to completely let go of my daughter. I prayed for her everyday, but didn't let her addition consume my life. I had other family members who I had neglected too long. I guess my main point is that we both grew during this time of no contact. I think God knew when the time was right to unite us again. Hang in there, pray for your daughter, and focus on the ones who love you. Hugs to you!
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