Woodman123

Hello SR family... sorry for the long post, but I could use some advice here. My AW's 6-month trial separation (voluntary) in an apartment is failing miserably. She has not stopped drinking and continues to require nearly monthly hospitalizations. As of now, she has been admitted to a psych unit due to repeated statements of wanted to take pills and kill herself (which she has already been hospitalized 2 times previously with medication overdose). Of course, her downward spiral has been attributed to me (by her) of banishing her from our home, even though the original mutual agreement was that she was supposed to work on a recovery program and focus on herself. And, I will note that we did not observe No Contact Rule, as the kids (and I sometimes) would visit her in the apartment, and get together periodically since she said that would help her. Yes, I see all the flaws of my approach here, but just wanted her to still have family engagement as that's always been so important to her, and thought it would help her stay strong.

I have already committed to ending the marriage, and presented a dissolution proposal to her, which she would not look at- said she's "not strong enough to do this right now", and "I just need a little more time, and need your help...". This is not an acceptable answer for me, but was letting the dust settle a bit as she is on the waiting list for a long-term rehab facility.

So, long-winded set-up to my concerns. She has had a history of making some outrageous, and very hurtful accusations of me for some time now- always in the drunken state. Repeated comments of physical abuse, infidelity to name a few. ABSOLUTELY not true. There are no charges filed, no evidence of anything- even the kids would say if anything, she was the one abusing us- verbally, and a few times physically towards me. But, she is getting more and more vocal about this, and basically telling anyone she can about how I've never loved her, treated her terribly over our 23-yr marriage, beat her, tried to kill her, called her fat and ugly all the time, and on and on. Anyone close to us knows this all to be ridiculous and base-less. I have loved this woman for nearly 27 years- and still somehow do, but this is killing me. I am so fortunate that I have the support of family- even my MIL/FIL do not believe a word of what she says, yet it is so painful to hear her say these things about me. I know I shouldn't worry about the quacking, but now I am frightened about her intentions. While this may be quacking, I have NO doubt that she believes these things in her own mind- it's REAL to her. Never would I have thought this possible, but could she intentionally injure/bruise herself and then claim I did it? She did have one prior hospitalization (after being picked up by police for passing out drunk near our high school) where she told hospital personnel that she was abused. Now I believe she's capable of such malicious behavior- all to get back at me for wanting to divorce her.

I am setting up time with my lawyer, as I am wondering whether I should get a restraining order in place. I do not want to be alone with her at any point. I have not trusted her ever since the drinking problem started, but now I not only distrust, but I believe she's capable of trying to harm me- personally, professionally, etc.

I still can't believe the state of my life. This is NOT the same woman I fell in love with. This disease has turned her into a monster- the Jekyll and Hyde personalities are truly frightening.

Croissant

My Mother went down the same road. Beautiful, caring person. Smart, had the makings of a great career. Within 2 years, our life was chaos. Utter chaos. I never knew what I was coming home to each day after school.

Actually on reflection, I don't even think it was 2 years. Probably 12 months.

I feel for you, but most of all, I feel for the children. If you cannot understand, this to a child is a living nightmare.

dandylion

Woodman--I know that you can hardly believe that this is happening...but, trust me, this is not an unusual situation. It is hellish, to be sure...but typical for this stage of alcoholism.
I am betting that she gets the bruises from stumbling about...falling, etc. She may not remember large parts of it, herself.

Things are at the point that you have gotta do what you have gotta do!

You need the support of the professionals around you.
I would find a good, experienced ALCOHOLISM counselor to guide you through this very, very painful time.

I am glad that you are seeing the lawyer. You absolutely do need the legal advise.

Please stay in touch with us.

dandylion

Woodman123

Thanks Croissant... I know, and although my kids are older (19 and 17) they have seen way too much of this. That's why I demanded that my AW get an apartment. The behavior "shifts" over the course of my older daughter's time in high school is a large reason she has become pretty estranged from her mother.

FireSprite

I'm really sorry for your DD, that's a time in life when a girl really wants to/needs to be able to lean on her mom sometimes.

I think protecting yourself legally if possible is a good idea if you have the ability to do so based on the circumstances. I would DEFINITELY be sure to ONLY be around her when there are other witnesses at this point; I wouldn't take the chance if she's that volatile & unpredictable behavior-wise. And yeah, it's definitely high-level quacking. She's hating on herself right now & you are an easy external target.

Woodman123

Oh, I will never forget how crushed my daughter was in wanting to have her mom go prom dress shopping with her. Fortunately, my MIL and my mother were there with my daughter, but my AW could barely find the patience to talk to my daughter over the phone about the purchase. To this day my DD cries about it. One of many examples of disappointment.

FeelingGreat

Just awful for everyone involved Woodman, and I'm glad you have your M and MIL accessible to help support the kids - heartbreaking even so.
I agree with your concerns about being accused of abuse. I don't think they would get very far, but they could easily muddy the waters. A discussion with your lawyer and taking precautions like never being alone with her, are your best tactics.

hopeful4

O Woodman, I cannot even imagine how hard this has to be, although I am betting you are not very surprised. She is going to keep this up. I would have your attorney draw up a letter regarding slander and making false accusations, and let her know in addition to the Restraining Order you will file those charges against her also. I say this not because I think it will make a difference to her, as she sounds beyond caring what a piece of paper says. I say this to make a trail to protect yourself.

I would have her served all of these papers (including divorce papers if that is your plan) when she is in the hospital or treatment so she has other people there to respond to the fallout that will happen.

My heart just breaks for how hard this has to be for you. Just remember the three C's as they definitely apply, as always.

So so sorry. I hope you get some peace from all of this soon!

ResignedToWait

Woodman...you described my AW's behavior to a T. You're absolutely right that your AW believes those things to be true...they truly do think that is reality.

It might sound like overkill, or caution on the side of ridiculousness...but you need to protect yourself (the only acceptable guardian of the children). She might not be there yet, but your AW absolutely would hurt herself, or be hurt, and then claim that you did it to her. Disgustingly, she will believe it to be true herself after she says it to a few people.

My AW fell and bruised her eye some years back while home, she had a huge shiner. Her friends would ask her how she got it...she didn't say I did it, but she would not answer them and they'd ASSUME I did it. I got more than one phone call confronting me about "hitting her". When they found out that I lived and worked four hours away, and wasn't even home within a week of either side of the "incident", they backed off.

One of the most recent incidents before I went NC, we had some sort of silly alcohol-related arguments...she was REALLY wasted. She proceeded to sit on the couch in front of me, pull out her cell phone, and calmy dialed 911, all while wickedly smiling at me. She mumbled to 911 that I was attacking her, to please send help, that I was hitting her. She had the entire conversation with 911 wickedly grinning at me. It's the point I realized how truly evil she was, and how much of a length she would go to in her disease.
I had no choice but to sit there and wait for the cops to show up, of course. If I'd left, it would have basically been an admission of guilt.
When the cops arrived, it didn't take them long to see the real situation. I think they had my house flagged already in their system already...there have been numerous things similar to this before, and all involved her intoxication. Before too long, instead of me being hauled away under suspicion, the police were working to try and get her committed for a 72 hour psych hold. It didn't end up happening, because she never threatened to hurt herself or others.

But, if/when I even have to be in her presence again...I will either a) have reliable witnesses with me, or b) literally have my cell camera out and turned on, documenting our contact. I will never, ever, be alone with her again, even in our previous home. I never want there to be a "her word against mine" situation. She believes the lies she tells so thoroughly, she'd pass a lie detector test with ease.

Your situation may not be that extreme, but you HAVE to protect you. As much as you can, think alibi. Don't see her alone, if you can help it. Have a witness. The last thing you need in your life is to defend yourself against something you didn't do, that she claims you did to her.

ShootingStar1

I think the advise that Resigned and Hopeful just gave you is right on.

You need to protect yourself legally and with an evidence trail in case she makes accusations about you hurting her. She seems to have fallen off the tracks of rational behavior a while ago, and now is capable of saying pretty much anything.

Talk to your lawyer, and find some way to get this done in a public, legal record, backed up with documentation.

I am so sorry that this has happened. Hang in there, you have two daughters to care about and protect.

ShootingStar1

CodeJob

Woodman dear, remember your post from May? Have you gone far enough? It is your call. Be careful kind one.