Recovering from financial abuse

Old 08-11-2014, 07:42 PM
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Recovering from financial abuse

Not completely off-topic, even though it isn't directly related to alcoholism. I thought it might be useful to those wondering how the hell to get out when you aren't the primary breadwinner, or simply have little-to-no access to the marital finances.

Financial Abuse Takes Heavy Toll On Domestic Violence Survivors
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:22 PM
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Actually also thanks for this opening. My ex did my clothes shopping for me because, oh well. I spent too much. I forget what place he went shopping at. Some discount place. Would buy me mens x-large clothes. I wore them for him all the time. But I had a job and I was also a good shopper.

I bought $2.00 shirt, shorts, and skirts. I had to hide them when I walked in the house, many times leaving them in the trunk till I could sneak them in.

I always wore the clothes he bought for for, except for when he disappeared and would show up unexpected.

Then he wanted to know why I didn't dress sexy for him. Well, I wore the things he bought me.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:32 PM
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Good article. Reminds me of when I called the DV hotline. The first thing they asked me was if I had money for a hotel room. I was like, not if I want to eat this week. My ex was spending a night in jail because I called 911. He ripped the phone out of my hand and smashed it before I could say anything, but the call was long enough for the dispatcher to get our address and two cops came and hauled him off. I was desperately looking for someplace to go before he got back. I ended up spending three nights at his parents' house. Then he sent flowers and they told me I needed to go back home because he was really sorry.
Ugh I'd almost forgotten about that. He got arrested in his boxer shorts after he charged at one of the cops. Sadly that wasn't even the worst night of our relationship. Definitely in the top 5 though.
Back to the finance thing, tomorrow afternoon is our child support hearing. I'm attending via telephone since it's in PA. Hoping it goes well. I just dropped a c note on school supplies. Freaking ridiculous. He's never sent me one red cent, but he has $400 to drink up every single month.
I don't even really NEED money from him; when I did my financial planning I didn't bother to include the possibility of him making a contribution because I knew I couldn't count on him. But it's the principle. And tomorrow is my day of reckoning. Finally.
Maybe I'll send him some flowers after I get my first cs payment.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:41 PM
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ladyscribbler, just ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))), you were always there for me. I'm in your corner now. I'm so happy to hear you need nothing from him. I would love to send you some flowers.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:50 PM
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Luv ya Amy. Yeah one of my Alanannies cleans houses and is on vacation this month, so she steered a couple of jobs my way, which was more than enough for school supplies. I did splurge a little. My youngest is starting kindergarten so I got him a new backpack. The one from preschool is pretty beat up. He needs something nice for his "first day of school" pictures. My mom has that day off work and is going to accompany us for the momentous occasion. I was in Iraq when my older boy started kindergarten, so I'm really looking forward to this milestone.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:55 PM
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lady, this sounds so wonderful. You are the best. Can I say that enough??? You are the best.
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Old 08-11-2014, 09:42 PM
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So how is financial abuse identified? Cause I've got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about this suddenly....
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by PunchDrunk View Post
So how is financial abuse identified? Cause I've got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about this suddenly....
It could be
-hiding your (pay/financial aid/social security) checks when they come in.
-giving you an allowance
-making you account for where you spend every dollar
-making you 'share' your accounts/income while theirs is not
-not allowing you to do any of the shopping
-keeping you from working or limiting how many hours you can work
-using your or your child's info to secure credit
-using your credit cards without your permission
-using their wage earner status in the family to keep you dependent on them
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:56 PM
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AXH was constantly blowing through both of our paychecks... As a result, all of the bills, which were mainly in my name, were always past due. All winter long, I'd be staving off the utility disconnect notices; the collection agencies for the other bills... Then I was an ungrateful, money grubbing, b when I'd get mad when he'd "apologize" by buying extravagant gifts for me or DS. When he'd decide we needed a new credit line, it was always in my name only.

It's taken a long time to dig myself out of that hole. You can bet I took all of it with me when I left, because it was all in my name and I couldn't trust him to abide by any payment agreements. And during the divorce, he had the guts to say I left him holding all of the bills. Thing is I had the payment confirmation receipts and proof that the funds came out of my own account that he was never on.
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Old 08-11-2014, 11:18 PM
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Hm. Well, I suppose I should count myself lucky that none of those bullet points applied to me during the marriage but only just now that we're in the divorce process. We parted suddenly and I was unemployed. Went through my meager savings. He has not voluntarily paid child support and now owes thousands. Wage garnishing is taking forever. I originally tried to stick it out by job searching like crazy to get a better-paying position but quickly saw that I wasn't going to be able to hold out until that point.

Anyways, thank you for the clarification.
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Old 08-12-2014, 02:45 PM
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Punch, I had the same issue with AXH and child support. He kept promising to bring money to take care of DS "the next time he came by". After a year, I finally went to the state to file for their assistance. They got one partial payment from him and the job skipping began... and stopped.... and began again. This past year, he's apparently been working fairly steadily. So DS and I have gotten regular payments for a while. I won't count on that continuing though.

Oh, and my list wasn't exhaustive, by any means. Additional information, if you'd like it, could be found on different DV assistance and resource sites like:

National Network to End Domestic Violence | About Financial Abuse

What is Financial Abuse? | www.loveisrespect.org

WomensLaw.org | Financial Abuse
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Old 08-12-2014, 03:03 PM
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I'm so glad that this has opened a discussion on a very important subject here. If anyone has any other useful links to share, please do. If we get enough good stuff, this can become a sticky.
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