Newbie1306

First off I want to thank everyone for responding to my other posts and that I have found SR a real eye opener and it's made me realise that addicts manipulate and lie just like my OH has been!

I moved out with my children last weekend with the intention of not returning. However, after several 'I miss you all' messages I caved in and returned home one day later. Of course I was told a load of promises and how things were going to change... Blah blah blah... I stupidly believed him only to be suspicious two nights later that he was using again. Spent the next few days not sleeping/eating and just crying a lot. Saturday evening he came home from work and I noticed his eyes looked normal... I made a comment about how the past few days he had been lying because I can see the difference in his eyes... He told me not to 'cause arguments' so I let it go. Anyway, an hour or so later he said that he was going to sit with his brother for an hour or so. I knew what this meant, I asked him not to go but he said he's already told his brother he would and that he would behave so I shouldn't worry.

So off he went... 'Be back in an hour' he said... He returned an hour and a half later chewing gum... The whole time he was gone I was clock watching and my stomach was churning... He came in and we sat to watch TV together. I was secretly watching him... Chucking water down his neck... Trying to discreetly wipe his hands on the rug without me noticing.

I called him up on it... Told him I know he's had something. He swore on my life he hadn't... Then apologised for swearing on my life... I was crying, at this point I truly felt insane... He said he was sick of me questioning him and making him feel anxious and that I'm always trying to analyse him... The funny thing is I try my hardest to not look at him so he doesn't feel like that!

Anyway the next few hours he was switching from apologetic to screaming and shouting at me. I felt bad and thought I had accused him of something he hadn't done. So now I was apologising begging him for a hug. He gave me a hug and I noticed his eyes... Red, glassed over with dilated pupils. I told him that I know he's been doing it... Again he shouted at me and told me that I'm trying to force a confession out of him. I went to bed and apologised... I then spent the next hour googling to see if his pupils were dilated because he was angry.

Woken up yesterday morning and wondered what the hell I was going to do. This time though I followed my gut... I know this man I have been with him for ten years... I know when he's using and when he's not. I felt stronger to follow my gut and I told him me and the children are going out to my sisters. I told him when I'm back I want him to have moved out. He asked why and I just said 'you know why' he then insisted that I was wrong and he hadn't used since last weekend, I stayed strong and didn't budge... I trusted my gut. He then proceeded to go into self pity mode and told me that I must hate him to do this... I told him I didn't hate him, quite the opposite, but that I cannot live like this anymore.

I arrived home to find him gone, but all he's taken is his toothbrush, all his other stuff is still here. He clearly thinks that he can stay out for one night and then everything will be back to normal. I have told myself until he gets a new job and changes his lifestyle completely he will not be living with me.

The thing is he uses the 'I want to see my kids' as an excuse to come around... This has what has happened in the past and before you know it he's back living with us. How do I stay strong? It hurts so much not having him with us... I'm scared that him not being here will just push him to use even more. I know he was partying last night too. I'm sat at home crying and he is out partying. It hurts... Why is he not hurting like I am?

Sorry for the long post... Getting it all out is making me feel better, but I just don't know if I have the strength to stick to my plan ��

Newbie1306

Oh another thing, we are off on a family holiday next Saturday to Spain. There is no way I am not taking my children on holiday and he won't not come. His mum and brother and children will also be on the holiday. What do I do to keep the distance? I was planning on telling him that he has to stay in his mums apartment

heartbrokenK

Addiction sucks. I wish I knew something profound to tell you but I'm living with an AH and not exactly in the best place myself! All I know is it can't always stay this crappy, right? Try to detach and not get suckered in to the disease. Easier said than done I know.

zoso77

Newbie,

How do you stay strong? The first step is allowing your brain to know it is knows, which is he's an addict. And addicts will do anything and everything to get their way. You're not the first one to buy the "I'm going to change" act. Nor will you be the last.

The second step is to tell yourself, and him, "Enough!!", and hold firm on that decision.

Emotional pain is just pain. It sucks, it's uncomfortable, but it won't kill us.

LoveMeNow

My STBXAH always knew I would let him come back home. Why? Because he knew me better then I knew myself. In fact, I taught him very well how to treat me. All he had to do was say what I wanted hear. Most of the time, I knew it was BS too but I kept praying for the miracle.

He is not hurting because he is high. His feelings are numb. But he is in own hell, one I would never want to be in.

Nytepassion, a RA and recovering Codie, has some great posts here. They helped me understand a lot when I finally made the break. Also, Cynical One has a great blog with lots of great information too.

Keep taking of you and your kids. And let go or be dragged!!

Ps. I remember that insane feeling so well. In hindsight, the answer was obvious. Yes, he was using!! He was addict, not in recovery, of course he was using.....because that's what addicts do. It's now seems so simple!! Time away really gives you so much clarity!!