killerinstinct

I am feeling ashamed and guilty. Last night I went out with friends and had two lines of cocaine. I don't normally go out anymore because I am a single parent... I felt the pressure to do what everyone else around me was doing plus I wanted to de stress because I really do struggle to relax and it's what I use to do with my ex husband at times and I wanted to grieve for my ex a bit. For the first time ever I felt guilt and shame for my drug use.. Why I ask myself? Because I wonder if my dabbling in drugs in the past contributed to my marriage and family breakdown too not just my husbands addictions?

Maybe if I never dabbled, I would have been able to see things clearer, not ruin my life and my sons life, I wonder if I ruined my ex husbands life the way his use completely ruined mine? I have always held a job, maintained the bills, gone to work everyday, cooked, cleaned, looked after the important things in life but lacked in connecting with myself and did get lost in it mentally speaking when I'd use with my ex husband - we would indulge when we used together but it was only occasionally for me. I wanted to please him, connect with him, I wanted him to love me and I felt that drug use was always a way to his heart.

I know that my ex was clinically proven to be a full blown addict and I haven't been. He has been in rehab a couple of times, been arrested, lost jobs, been in jail etc and I have never had those problems.. but I can't help but wonder if my use and losing myself emotionally speaking in the midst of my use ever caused him heartache and pain, I wonder if my use ever effected his life directly? After we broke up he started calling me a cocaine addict, I don't believe I am at all, I have used recreational drugs about 12 times in my entire life - does that make me an addict? I feel so ashamed and wonder if people around me perceived me to be messed up and an addict too?

Sorry for being so repetitive, I'm just trying to articulate something very new to me.. So I can figure it out..

I know his use ruined my life, but did my occasional use have the same impact on his life? I guess if I were whole I never would have allowed that scene to bring me down and suck me in therefore I wouldn't be where I am today and maybe he we would have stood a chance? I have to own my part in this I know, but how much of this damage is mine to own?

CodeJob

Hello KI,

For me, I think my qualifier and I have the same problem with emotions, trust and self worth. I quell with sugar, he alcohol. When he quit drinking, he moved to sugar as well. At times we both have not been a very stellar partner to the other.

Owning your part is probably worth the mental effort and reflection. It is an inherent part of the 12 steps. The question you ask is your own to answer.