EmmyG

I've been feeling a lot better lately. My self esteem is a lot better. I had a good day with the boys. But I don't know, something just made me sad. I met a friend at the park so our kids could play together and then when she left, it kinda hit me that she was going home to her husband and they are a family. My sister is with her husband and daughter today too. I haven't been that lonely at all, in fact I've been thinking how much I want to stay single forever. But I made the stupid decision to text AH and ask how his day was going. He said "The best." I figured he was being sarcastic and texted him back. Then he didn't answer me and I said "Why are you being weird" and he responded that I'm a "f***ing" lunatic and why do I have to make something out of nothing. Then he left me a long voicemail asking what the F is wrong with me and that we aren't best buddies and that I need to grow up. Then we ended up speaking on the phone where he proceeded to scream at me. He said I need a lobotomy and that I can't just be cool, and now he has no choice but to divorce me. When I said I needed to get off the phone he said "f*** off and die" and hung up.

I now feel like crap and I'm crying. I feel stupid for sending those texts. I was fishing because I was worried that he was all lonely at home alone without us. But of course he isn't. He hates me. I just don't understand why. I think back and it wasn't so long ago that he was in love with me and a loving person. Now he's so mean. But I can't help but feel like he's right, I am crazy.

PinkCloudsCharley

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. AH has said those things to me too. Big hugs.

Combakkid

Don't be too hard on yourself! I am still with my AH and haven't gotten all my ducks in a row to leave just yet, but your post made me remember a sign I kept seeing on Pinterest today. It was simply "Remember that guy you thought you couldn't live without? Well look at you living and s**t". It always makes me smile when I see it and I hope it may do the same for you! It may be best to go NC with him for awhile. He might have been drinking and that could be why he was overly mean. You may not have your AH to go home to, but your are providing a safe and loving home for you and your kids. Keep your chin up!

EmmyG

Thanks. When I have those conversations my head starts spinning and I just feel really, really bad. I've been limiting contact and feeling great. I get along well with my friends, family, and coworkers. But this man can make me question myself so much. It's confusing. I had a weak moment and contacted him when I should have resisted it.

HealingWillCome

Emmy, I'm sorry. His world is crumbling and you're his target. Remember the 3 C's right now, and REMEMBER that what he just did to you was verbally abusive. He is an abuser.

Cry, get it out, and then refocus. Take your power back. Grieving is normal...but try to remember that you're grieving the fantasy and not the reality. What you want (and deserve!) with him is not your reality. Hang in there, and big hugs to you.

EmmyG

Doesn't help that I was watching a love story movie with a charming British guy as the lead. Reminded me a lot of how my husband was when I met him. Handsome and charming and full of life. Very cheerful and positive. To see him lashing out like this and being so ugly makes me sad. He's really changed so much.

kepeb30

You're killing me! I tighted up and quit drinking all together for 18 days. (I dont think thats so bad after 20 years) Then I found out my girl who i love dearly is cheating on me. Well between heart ack and vodka my new puppy will out live me. I dont even know how to meet a girl anymore. I'M in hell......

Refiner

Emmy I'm so sorry you felt the need to engage. I know that lonely feeling tho and you were probably just wanting to reach out to something familiar in the way of closeness and were met with a cold splash of water in your face instead. He may be getting confused with mixed signals from you at this point too. Better to stick to your guns and keep it. Lean and on your side of the street.

kepeb30

And I am terribly sorry things went that way. Try to be nice to some one you care about and they stomp your heart out for fun.

LoveMeNow

Emmy - when I first read your post....I thought when will she realize he is not her solution. I admit, I was annoyed! Then I realized I was triggered by it because I did this soooo, no, toooo many times also.

Although, my STBXAH was not so verbally abusive, he was still an active addict with all the behaviors that accompany it. Blame shifting, denial, manipulation - just pure insanity.

I did it and did it until I just no longer wanted to feel the pain. No one could stop me either. I was like an addict, seeking out my DOC - pain. It had become my norm.

Therapy really helped me. Also I read the book "how to get past your breakup" - which was very helpful.

Asking yourself what was your real motive to contact him - can be difficult, painful and confusing but it is a really important to your healing.

Keep working on you and it will all come together sooner or later.

kepeb30

I want to do the same thing you did . Call and make it better but all ill be doing is prolong your pain and build there ego. Right now i hate life. the only girl i got now is alcohol and i was doing pretty good. Anyway my heart goes out to you..

CodeJob

Mind the gap Emmy.

LoveMeNow

Has he really changed that much? Or are you finally facing the truth?

Picking the wrong man isn't a reflection on our own self value. Staying with one is, IMO.

I look back now and can honestly admit, I ignored many red flags. At one time, I really struggled being honest with myself and others about that. What would that say about me? Now I realize, It just says I was young, naive and I made some mistakes. But I don't regret marrying him either. I have several wonderful memories and have learned so much about me.

Next time, I will be far more aware.

EmmyG

Thanks Same to you. I'm having a feeling sorry for myself night. I feel that u have a pure heart. And I believed in marriage so much. And I gave it such a try. I really did. It's true, he probably hasn't changed so dramatically. I saw the red flags in the beginning but I think he swept me off my feet and it was all so romantic. I'm 32 now and I was a naive 25 when we met. It's silly, but I was living in San Francisco then and when I met him, I had a couple of great guys interested in me but I was too intrigued by him. Now some nights like tonight, I wonder how my life would be different if I had wound up with one of them. But then again, I wouldn't have my two gorgeous little boys.

EmmyG

Wise words. I am much more aware now. And I value different things than I did then.

hopeful4

Honey, look at his past and current behavior. Hes the crazy one. Stop engaging w him and let yourself move on.

xxx

searching peace

When my STBXAH behaves like that it just reconfirms why I have to get away from him. It also confirms that he will never be the man I thought or hoped he was. It helps but doesn't make the pain go away. I understand and have had the exact same things happen to me with my STBXAH. I hope you will get the strength I am still searching for and will realize you do not deserve to be treated like that by anyone especially the person that is supposed to love you unconditionally. You deserve better. The sooner you are done with him the sooner better will appear!

FeelingGreat

Been there, but luckily there were reasons why I couldn't contact my ex. Replay what happened today when you want to contact him again. I'm sure he doesn't hate you so much as being very angry, but that's often a way of not focusing on our own behaviour.

Be careful of labelling people. This person is 'happily married', that person has every material comfort, you are a single mother, and so on. Other people's lives often look great from the outside, when the reality is everyone has ups and downs through a normal long life. One day you may be the happy one, helping some friend who is going through a crisis.

Hope you're feeling a bit better from getting it all out and having a good cry.

Timeiskey

It isn't always so easy is it? You can be so strong throughout the live long day and then some little trigger gets your mind going on the wrong track...you can feel yourself heading in the wrong direction but it seems so hard not to do the one thing that you have been so proud of yourself for not doing...reaching out- reaching out in love and just hoping that there will be some signal from the shore that it is safe to come back to harbor...I understand. I am kicking myself tonight for some of the same behavior. It wasn't the verbal abuse that you received (this time) but you can't take what he says as if there is any credit to it.

I don't know you, this is the first time I have seen your posts, but I would place a pretty high bet on the fact that you DO NOT deserve that kind of treatment. I also wish that I could just see my ex's pain...know that this is hard for him too. The truth is that all of it is hard for the addict, which is why they do what they do- from consuming whatever is their drug of choice to attacking you. How could he accept your kindness when he doesn't have enough love for himself to make better choices? To choose his family and your love over alcohol?

This pain that you are feeling...it doesn't really come from something wrong in you. You are the mirror that he is trying to break. Turn the mirror around, look at your beautiful self and know that you deserve so much more than to be verbally attacked and then broken hearted all over again for his insanity. A good SR friend posted to me the other day that she doesn't need validation from a diseased mind...and it struck me, because it is true. You and I just have to keep making our little daily successes towards that kind of reality. But no matter what, don't let someone say such hurtful things to you when you can hang up the phone. If we can't at least stop reaching out, we can take the first step and stop taking in the badness when we do.

I had an argument with mine last weekend and when he began to turn into that really awful person, where is tone and words changed to hurtful stabs at my heart, I found, for the first time, the self respect to say, "you can't talk to me that way. Don't you speak to me in that tone or by using those words" and you know what? He barked one more time and I repeated myself and then he stopped...I am not saying that it was a pleasant ending to the evening, but I did put down my first boundary with him...and even now, I can feel proud about that. Take back your strength, because if you have gotten to this point, obviously, you have a lot of strength!

Timeiskey

Kepeb, I am sorry that you are also hurting right now. I am glad that you are reaching out. I think there is some success in the fact that you are here and engaging. Remember the little successes and try again.