story74

So, long story short. My XAH abandoned my son and I. He has disappeared and reappeared 3 times so far in 3 years. The longest disappearance being a year and a half, and finally JUST saw our son after 20 months. My son said, "I forget what he looks like" on the visit to see him. I have asked for an explanation , but have been ignored. Legally he has supervised visits. So, we met at my son's favorite restaurant for an hour and half. My X is sort of trying. My expectations are very low. He has been paying child support and then some (probably trying to catch up). He has ben calling at least once a week..sometimes longer inbetween. He still has yet to ask how my son is emotionally. And he is currently in court fighting a 2nd conviction driving while having a suspended license. I was even concerned when we met. His eyes were blood shot and his pupils were constricted. So, he was on something. At first I was furious. BUT, I cannot prove it. I didn't want to to cause a scene with my son. AND, it was completely supervised, so I just hung in there. So, he is still using. Not sure why he is trying. I know, who cares.

needless to say it is confusing. I met with a my doctor and found out that we can get counseling under our insurance. I am going to start. My son is doing pretty good. The connection with his father I feel has been lost. they don't know each other. BUT, my son wants to talk to him and see him. The confusion of wanting more than just a restaurant visit. He wants him to sleep over. He wants us to be back together. He doesn't understand why his daddy would abandon us. He doesn't understand what being an addict means. He doesn't understand how if you could love someone you could hurt them so bad...a common question no matter what age. I am starting to understand his anger from the past. He is now able to verbalize how he is feeling. He asks me many questions, and we have many open and child friendly discussions. He is learning about trust. I think he is doing pretty well.

I am taking it day by day. Having my XAH come back into our lives again has been VERY emotional. I have the full range of emotions: apathy, sadness, happiness, hope, anger, sadness, confidence and understanding. I don't want to fight with this man anymore. I do not trust him. I caught him in a lie when he came to visit. He said he was leaving town Sunday only to find out he was leaving on Monday. My son was there when we both caught him in this lie. Not sure why he lied. Again, who cares. The hardest part is I have to keep reminding myself that he is an addict. Currently, because his mother is behind him giving a guilt trip and finding him jobs, he is "trying" or should I say "pretending" His issues. My issue is to deal with these emotions I and my son are feeling and protect ourselves. So far, being honest with my son is working.

So, my AH HA moment? I remember exactly where I was in the car. I had probably spent about 20 minutes (lol, probably a couple days) thinking about how I could help him...write him, talk to him, send him a book...yadda yadda. Then it just hit me. HE HAS MADE HIS CHOICES. HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX IT. HE, NOT ME. II knew this, but this time I finally GET IT! I let it go. I felt free. I am focusing on me and my mental health. It isn't easy going through this. I have also realized that I don't think I love him, but I love the fantasy. The fantasy of a family. I realize that he was too immature to handle a child AND a wife AND a job. He wanted to be a rock star. He never grew up. So yes, I love the man he WAS, but today his is just a selfish person. I started to realize how truly selfish he is too.

For me it has been @ 3 years. It takes a long time to heal. As far as him coming back into our life...whatever. Until he explains and goes to rehab, we can meet for an hour and half at my sons fav restaurant! he can't complain too much seeing as he doesn't even have a drivers license.

greeteachday

Sounds like you've come a long way and had quite a few Ahhhaa moments recently. I believe honest, age appropriate responses to our kids works best too, and you are setting a great example for him of what loving parent does do - To me that is a much better experience for a child than a toxic relationship with both parents together.

I think counseling sounds like another great idea to explore - all the best to you!

Ann

It took me years but once we "get it" we never look back. I am glad your clarity came.

Prayers out for your son and you both.

Hugs