FireSprite

I have doing a lot of reading here at SR lately, and I have come back to read this piece about 3x & decided maybe if it impacted me that strongly, others would benefit from hearing/reading it too.

I apologize if this is already posted to our stickeys, I honestly lose track of what's where sometimes.

Here is the original thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html


I am an addict

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You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am an addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.

The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF.

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it if you are blocking the entrance.

I know you love me and you only want what's best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.

Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.

Passion
Recovering addict

PinkCloudsCharley

This made me cry. Hard.

WendyOR

Should have never read this before work. Ha. This is sooooo very powerful....

Butterfly

Wow so powerful and heart breaking. Thank you I have never read this before

FireSprite

Me too.

bringiton

Oh my gosh, I don't even know what to say about that. Honest, true and so very painful to read. Even more painful to know that its true. Thank you so much for positing again.

honeypig

FireSprite, I've not seen that before either. It goes in my "Wisdom of SR" folder. Phenomenal. Thanks so much.

Argnotthisagain

I haven't seen it before either. Thans for posting.

Sad and powerful.

Alcoholism sucks.

DesertEyes

No worries. It was not in the stickeys, but it is now. I put it the "Classic Reading" section.

* lol * SR is _huge_. I get lost all the time, and I volunteer here

Mike

LoveMeNow

This was written by Nytepassion. She is amazing member here, recovering addict, and recovering Codie. I would encourage anyone to read her blog, threads and posts. She shares a lot of great information....from experience!!

KidsR#1

This is so true! Need to share with my AH's family.