Ythill

Hi Everybody,

I'm having a hard time staying sober and could use some encouragement. I've known my drinking has been unmanageable for years now. I made the decision to be sober at the end of June this year. I started going back to my familiar AA meetings for the second time and found a sponsor. Even though I was doing my due diligence on the alcohol front, I was still taking Ativan - I convinced myself that benzos would prevent a seizure. Once those ran out, I resumed drinking. I've been drinking off and on for the past 3 weeks or so. Not every night, but on the handful of times I have drank, I've gotten incredibly drunk and locked myself in my room to prevent any blackout mishaps.

I'm embarrassed to talk to my sponsor about this because I fear that he wouldn't want to work with me anymore. I'm still going to meetings everyday, and I'm still talking to other alcoholics. But I find myself putting on that familiar mask of, "Hey, I'm good," because I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want people to think I'm not sincere about getting sober.

You might ask why I gave into the relapse. I think it was anxiety and stress at work that put me into a vertigo state. I should have called someone, but I'm struggling with admitting that I truly am powerless over alcohol. I don't want to be that person who raises their hand during the last 5 minutes of the meeting.

If anyone has had similar difficulties during their early sobriety, I'd love to hear from you. I'm feeling very alone and hopeless this evening. I find the anonymity of a message board to be the best way to share this with others at this time. Thanks!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Ythill!!

I went round and round in circles when I first decided to get Sober, I thought I could control alcohol, but in fact it was controlling me.

You mention you're struggling with admitting this part, but before that stated "I've gotten incredibly drunk and locked myself in my room to prevent any blackout mishaps", does that sound like a normal drinker, someone who is in control of their drinking or themselves when they drink??

It took me a while to accept it too, I totally understand that it's not easy, but when I finally surrendered to the only way I can regain control of my own life was to part ways with alcohol for good, everything started to make a lot more sense, cutting out that first drink made life a whole lot easier!!

Go at it again, you can do this, you find loads of support here on SR to help you through!!

awholenewlife52

Welcome to SR, Ythill.

There is lots of support here, someone is sure to be along soon who has experience with these issues in early sobriety.

Ythill

Thank you! I like to remind myself that nobody likes admitting they're powerless over the stuff. It's hard, especially on the weekends.

Nuudawn

Aww..that's just kind of tragic. It's so very important that we are able to be honest about what we are truly struggling with. I know that I almost threw AA in the trash as I..for awhile...I felt the pressure to "fit in" rather than be honest. I realized I have to have the courage to be honest and hopefully..I will reach the right ears who will be able to actually help me rather than dismiss or minimize what I am truly struggling with.

If you are afraid to talk to your sponsor for fear of him not wanting to work with you anymore...well, that's on you. What good is a sponsor if you can't be honest? You need to find the courage...and yes, ya ..you're right the vulnerability..to be honest with your sponsor. If your sponsor can't work with your honesty and your problem...not the right sponsor. Why be afraid of losing a relationship that is not working?

How bout give your sponsor the truth? Give him the opportunity to respond...to actually HELP you. Your minding this all yourself..and THAT'S part of our problem. This is your recovery and you have to do what's right...be honest. If your sponsor walks..well, that's on him. Find another. Keep working...be honest. But right now...your dirty little secret is your secret. That ain't no good for sobriety.

Don't get me wrong. I understand your fear. I just found myself a small, humble little homegroup..and I'm going to be honest...if it kills me. THAT's what I need to do. I must keep trying to find folks I can deal with honestly.

Bamboozle

Welcome to SR, Ythill!

I found myself in a relapse period and broke out of it by realizing that drinking wasn't making my life any better and that I needed help to quit. Everyone's journey is different, but I needed help with depression so that I could quit for good and get better mentally. I got my butt to a doctor.

I don't have experience with AA, but I do know that shame gets in the way of getting help. There's no shame in needing and asking for help. You probably should talk to your sponsor. It will get to a point where you stop caring about what others think and you do whatever you can to get and stay sober. You'll find lots of support here and there are lots of AA people who can help.

Imabuleva

Welcome to SR, Ythill.

least

Welcome to the family. I think you should ask your sponsor for help. That's what sponsors are for, after all. To help you get sober.

Anna

I'm glad you posted and it's great that you are seeking support. It's hard to accept that we're alcoholics, but try to remember it's just a word. It's not who you are. Good for you for getting through this.

Gronk

You asked for people with similar experiences:

"I'm struggling with admitting that I truly am powerless over alcohol."

Me too. The way I feel right now, 2 weeks in, is telling me.....something is wrong dude.

Nuudawn

Hey Gronk...does that mean you are feeling like you do have power over alcohol..in that you can control it?...moderate it?..make it your biotch rather than the other way around?

Forgive me if I misinterpreted