Waterfalls2014

I'm wondering if it's hard for others on here to get the same kind of support from non alcoholics as they get from others who are addicts? I've tried time and time again to explain how I didn't mean to drink so much to others, how I tried to control it. It's that switch that goes off. But they can't understand it. Don't get me wrong, I'd never want someone I love to go through this. Something in the back of my mind is telling me I'm an outsider. I'm not normal. Does anyone else get this feeling from non alcoholics?

MelindaFlowers

Waterfalls,

This is a great question. In the 42 days I've been sober I haven't really asked non-alcoholics for support. What I have done differently this time than the other 642 times I thought I wanted to stop drinking was to let people know casually, but firmly, that I don't drink anymore. I have found that now people in my life don't question me when I order a Pepsi with dinner and they don't show up to my house with a bottle of vodka when they come over. I've haven't used the word "alcoholic" with anyone but I've told people I don't drink anymore.

I know that I am lucky that I don't have a group of friends pressuring me or telling me to "just have one." Any other time it was me who said I'll "just have one" but not this time.

I did think of one thing: I've asked my guy and close friends to go easy on me for a bit. My threshold for stress is very low and my get-up-and-go fun personality isn't quite there yet. Let people know that your "fun threshold" might be a bit low for awhile.

I'm not an advocate either way for telling people that we're not drinking, but for me it helps so I won't casually accept a drink that is offered to me because they don't offer them now. I don't order them either.



I get my support here on SR. The people here are amazing.

Waterfalls2014

Thanks Melinda . I had a conversation with a close friend today. Her husband is a self admitted alcoholic and she is a nurse. She's taken quite a bit of psychology classes. I told her I'm sober now. She says - I don't know why you didn't quit drinking years ago. I think it rubbed me the wrong way. I was hoping for support not judgement.

MelindaFlowers

Waterfalls,

That would have rubbed me the wrong way too. I think that people who haven't experienced addiction themselves should tread lightly when giving their opinions about it. I am not scientifically minded or in the medical/psychology field but I find addiction (with me as my own case study!) the most confusing thing in the entire universe!

wellvoice

Waterfalls, it can feel very lonely and alienating when non-alcoholics `don't get it'. I regularly have this problem with a friend who doesn't understand why I need to quit drinking entirely. He says: "I don't understand why you can't just enjoy 3 or 4." Our bodies just don't metabolize alcohol in the way that a normal person's body does, and this is not our fault. Some people may never understand, which is why we need the support of those who know what it's like. Yes, we may feel alienated or abnormal in the presence of `normal drinkers' sometimes, but I believe that the isolation that results from being an active alcoholic is even worse. In time, we won't feel that difference so intensely. Meanwhile, we fellow sufferers can normalize one another's experiences and build strength together.

LonelyShadow

I know exactly the feeling you're describing here Waterfalls, it really does make you feel isolated when everyone around you just seem to say the wrong thing and cannot understand what you're going through. Try to remember that often they are TRYING to help, they just don't know how, they often don't understand how serious the condition is, if they knew that it was genuinly a case of life or death they might be more sympathetic.

One of the things you have to remember is that sobriety is priority one, if you have to be firm with your friends then good for you, so be it, you're looking after what's important, and if letting people know that you simply cannot and will not drink is going to help you to achieve that then so be it, if they don't like that? Well, that's not your problem!

LonelyShadow

And wellvoice that is so true! I have heard that many times and it's infuriating

"Just have a couple!"

Yeah AS IF. I had to remind a friend who was thinking like that "Have you ever, EVER seen me able to moderate my alcohol?" and he had to admit he had only ever seen me either stone cold sober or fall-down drunk. He conceded in the end that if I don't want to drink that's my choice.

PurpleKnight

Many people just don't get why I drink anymore, and I've stopped explaining it to close family members, it's not worth the effort.

The main thing is you know why you don't drink anymore and stick with that moving forward!!

LadyBlue0527

There comes a point that you realize they don't need to understand it. Only you need to. I do understand where you're coming from though.

Ponder this for a moment. You said that you have to explain over and over again and they don't get it. That leads me to ask why they are asking you to explain it over and over. What's their problem? Why do they need to know? Does it bother them that you don't drink and if so, why?

The next time that you're asked why you don't drink all that you need to say is "Because I just don't", if they press further ask them if it bothers them that you don't drink and why. Then if they continue on and say that it's just because they don't get it ask them why the feel the need to "get it".

I've never had a person who doesn't have their own problem with alcohol press me with questions. It's only ever been people who are uncomfortable where I don't have a drink in hand while they do that are bothered. My normie friends, when they first learned, gave a sincere "good for you!" and that was the end of the conversation.

miamifella

In my experience, I got better support from nonaddicts/nonalcoholics. They did not judge the way I was getting clean and sober (the way people in recovery did). They just wanted me to be well.

But for my recoveyr I really just needed to talk. And I needed to be able to talk to people when I felt the urge to drink/use, which I was taught in AA was bad recovery and going against the first step. So I had to turn to people who were not in the program for this kind of support.

But that is my recovery. We are all unique and have unique needs and live in unique situations. My friends knew me before I became an addict, so that may have affected how they supported me.

Bamboozle

That would have rubbed me the wrong way, too. What helps me is knowing that when people make comments like that, they're often talking about themselves. I used to bother and annoy people who didn't drink or didn't drink much---it's because I drank a lot and wanted a drinking buddy. I was a complete butt. Seems like your friend was speaking more about the relationship between her and her husband than about you, especially if he's an active drinker.

Gronk

What am I finding........which is very surprising.....I am my support. I am the one I can count on because I am always there. It has become a HUGE burden, but guess what, too bad (for me), I have found I am the only support that will work. NONE of the what should be HUGE reasons have stopped me in the past.

Don't know if that makes sense. I'm not telling anybody. My wife knows, that is IT. Nobody else matters to tell you the honest truth.

We don't even talk about it, 17 days in, we have had one conversation about 7 days in and only because she was down and I was trying to cheer her up, I am having hundreds of conversation a day.....with my sponsor....my brain, I am developing a split personality (OK not really, but you may now what I mean)

Thanks for your post Waterfalls(and others), it has reinforced my thinking that unless you are "us" you can NOT, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to, identify with "us" and what we are going through. (by the way when I say "us" I mean all of you....not me.....because I don't have a drinking problem.......yeah still dealing with that thinking too)

SoberHoopsFan

I try to avoid debates with people over why I stopped drinking, although I'm rarely challenged on it. It's not their responsibility to "get it" or "understand." I have made my decision and I'm sticking to it. I feel confident in saying though that people who knew me well while I drank are not exactly clamoring for my return, they understand the type of person alcohol made me. As for people who only marginally knew about my drinking? Me being a non-drinker will not possibly have any impact on their life.

desypete

hmm good discussion this
i wonder if in my early days when i was just over drinking and getting into trouble if i could have found help to stop drinking other than from alcholics ?

i know i tired other ways and stayed sober for short periods but always ended up drinking again and then getting myself into more trouble

i believe i was born an alcoholic and drank like an alcoholic drank right from the word go when i drank i got drunk and so drunk many times i couldn't remember what i did

i was just 16 and started to really misbehave, but i was surely to young to be aa alcohilc as i didnt drink everyday and when i got into trouble i stayed off it for long periods
but no matter how much trouble or embarrassment i brought about with drinking i still found a way back to drinking again

i know if someone told me i was an alcoholic back then i wouldn't believe them i was surely just a kid with a drinking problem
but the answer i found was dont drink and i will not get into trouble that should be easy for anyone to understand and to stick to for the rest of there lives ?

sadly there is one more twist and thats i loved what the drink gave me nothing else in the world made me feel so free and at ease or give me the conference etc
so a life without it was never going to happen for me so i was stuck
drinking for what it gave me but not being able to stop when i had a good few and just drinking into oblivion

eventually as i wouldn't listen or accept i was an alcoholic the drink problem progressed to daily drinking and getting drunk all the time, not able to hold a job down, and losing everything as i just would not give up the only thing that brought me so much happiness in life.

i have learned over the years that people will just have to learn themselves and only time will show them as they go back on it and try it again and lose even more

of course i dont know what its like to be someone who just has a drink problem as i am an alcoholic, i not only have a problem with drink i also have a problem living life without a drink and accepting life as it is

Waterfalls2014

Thanks everyone for the responses. There's some really good insight on here .

Tonymblue

Nons just dont get it. I stopped explaining it. Imo In todays society pressure to drink is very high. Some people will bring me a drink. I dont bother telling them i dont drink. I just take it and after a while pour it in the bathroom sink. Sad isnt it.