queenapple

I'm so aggravated with my RAH (we're currently separated) as well as my daughter, who is generally supportive. There was no hot water at our house this morning; my son(who lives at home) and I figured out a temporary fix, but before we did, I sent RAH a text asking him to call the people who did the maintenance on it last month and come over when they came to look at it while I was watching our granddaughter. I finally heard back from him in mid-afternoon, telling me what to try to fix it and to call the company if it happened again--with a list of phone numbers.

I work and watch my granddaughter. He's retired. We're temporarily separated for at least a year after his latest drinking episode. He couldn't be bothered to take care of this.

We go to my moms for Thanksgiving every other year. I asked my daughter if I could maybe get a ride back (about a 12 hour drive) with them to save some money, since this separation has been hard on finances. I'm flying out because my mom needs lots of help (early dementia) in buying food, etc. Plus I'll be doing all the cooking. She said I should have just asked her husband, he would say no to her and tell her to tell me, but wouldn't refuse if I asked him directly and put him on the spot. Then she mentioned having to drive 40 minutes out of the way to take me home.

I've been gladly watching my granddaughter, who I love dearly, for the last 6 years twice a week.I'm quite aware that I live 45 minutes away. It's very very hard for me to ask for help, ever, from anyone. If my mom needed something like this, I wouldn't ever think of asking my husband first.

I don't want to talk to anyone this weekend. My son is gone until Sunday night and I just want to wallow in my own misery and avoid everyone. My daughter was trying to convince me to go to therapy the other day because I still cry so often over everything. I"m not going to answer calls or texts from either one of them.

I'm just feeling so rejected and alone right now.

Thumper

I'm sorry. Sending virtual hugs. (((Hug)))

I like the idea of turning off the phone and taking a weekend to yourself but I think you should do nice things that you enjoy. Pamper yourself a LOT and wallow only a little - very briefly

iamthird

I agree being alone can be healthy but be careful not to be isolated in depression. Be alone to decompress but do things that make you happy. Can you go to your favorite restaurant or buy a new pair of shoes...something to treat yourself.

biminiblue

I'm very sorry.

I have no living family, they've all passed away.

I say that only because sometimes I forgot to be grateful when they were still alive.

dandylion

WOW. greenapple! I don't know all the details, of course.....but, from what you have written it sounds to me like your family feels very entitled and ungrateful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This happens, a lot more in families than you probably realize...AND IT IS WRONG.
I don't think your request was out of line AT ALL.

Maybe it is time to consider a major shift of the role you are playing in the family.
He**, I would take a 6month sabatical from the family and totally focus on yourself!

They won't like it...But..know what?....they can stay mad until they get glad!

You will feel much better if you start letting them know how you feel.

Someone told me, once, that you can't be a doormat unless you lay down first.....

dandylion

Let them know that there is a new sheriff in town.

Resolv

Hello Queenapple, my brother and I got into a dispute over a car I sold him on payments. He never made a payment, but he always enjoyed other luxuries. We stopped talking completely. A few years later, he died in a car accident. I learned to not be petty.

And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.

I'm not suggesting being a mat for your family to walk on. Say your peace. Share your expectations. Wait and see what happens. If nothing changes - forgive. Otherwise the anger, disappointment and frustration eats away at you. If behaviors don't change, then its time to position yourself so as not to be a mat. Take the high road, not necessarily the highest road. Their family (whether we like it or not).

jarp

Im sorry you are feeling so hurt and alone.

And thank you for the reminder to treat my Mum as well as I can, and to be grateful for all the help and practical support she's offered me over the years too - especially now.

I hope you have a relaxing weekend and do something nice for yourself. Then deep breath and face the family again. Us adult kids can be darned selfish sometimes (well I know I can be and I take my mum for granted).

CodeJob

Hello queen apple,

My instinct tells me you rarely ask for help? So when you do, it is hard to admit need. Because admitting a need makes you vulnerable. You are understandably very hurt when a rarely asked call for help is rejected. You so rarely ask! Look at all of the giving you do and you can't even score a ride home in November? Not like you didn't give advance notice?!

Being a Codie is painful. We give and give and give, but don't get back when we finally have the desperation to ask. Makes us want to clam up and never come back out. Sit in our house and dwell on it.

Really you should go out and meet some NORMAL people. Your family is enmeshed in this little bubble. Maybe you need to think about changing up Thanksgiving. Stay home. Volunteer at a food bank. Take the pressure off you and your mom for this holiday. Visit her another time and just be without the stress of cooking some huge meal. Enjoy each other while you still can.

It sounds like you don't get paid for caring for your grandkid? Then they can afford the time and gas. Just for kicks, get on the internet and see how much day care is! You my dear are dirt cheap and come with love and family connections! You are priceless.

You truly are priceless queen apple.

queenapple

Thanks, everyone. I'm trying not to wallow too much, although I spent my entire 6 mile run this morning composing conversations to both of them in my head lol. Spending money to make myself feel better this weekend isn't on the agenda, since I'm trying to SAVE money right now. RAH plays this little game where he tells me the cc bill(which we pay off every month) is "through the roof this month" and when I ask for particulars, he says it isn't really that bad.

Walking away isn't an option for me, since I'm very involved in my granddaughter's life--and I want to be. You hit it on the head, CodeJob; yes, I watch her without pay. I think my daughter thinks she's doing me a favor by having me spend so much time with her-- and in a way, she is, because I really do enjoy it-- but a little giveback would be nice.

It just really took me by surprise-- it took me some courage to ask and her answer was so negative, I was a little shocked. I barely said goodbye to my granddaughter and got in the car before the tears came.

But then, I do a lot of crying these days.

dandylion

greenapple---I am saying this with love and compassion in my heart.....you have to be willing to make changes if you want them to treat you differently.

You must be very hurt and sad in your heart. I feel very hurt for you.....because I understand this so very well....

I support crying very much...it is a great release of the pain...
But, that alone, doesn't fix the problem. It takes changes from the inside, out.

She should be paying you something for watching your grandaughter. You are a GRANDMOTHER....not a free babysitting service.
Paid babysitters get more respect than you do...

Don't just try to "suck it up". Please consider these words.....

We get the respect that we command.
dandylion

Fandy

for the record, YOU are doing THEM a favor by babysitting for FREE, saving them THOUSANDS of $$ every month (and driving there and back).

the least they can do is either give you a ride or pay your airfare.