Viperidae

I did well for 30 days a while back and then went back and forth and then quit every day for a long time again. Now I am pretty out of shape. 48 hours and I'm wired. I won't have an issue with detox meds. I stocked some.

I can't get going. Should have given totally in and AA'd it a year ago or 4 yeas ago. I have every opportunity to help myself. I have a gym with all the perks, yoga, etc. I can buy things if I need them. A safe place. The only thing that is impossible is a serious inpatient program. I take NO advantage of what can help. The sense of hopelessness at never having a job at 44 years old because of an illness, the feeling that I am worthless, zero self esteem, zero female companionship for ages. Gone from 155 lbs to 195 in 3 years. The resentment, anger, poor me bs, I got it all.

The winters hit me hard, depression gets brutal and nothing helps. I used this summer to get a few big things done, but not enough. I was supposed to be in a much different place right now since May. Summer and winter are total night and day for me. I was going to move out.

I just get sucked back in every couple to 3 days and go with it. Always a great idea, never learn. Then I can do nothing for 24 hours.

least

I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Johinny!!

Don't worry about the past, it's done, draw a line and move forward, don't beat yourself up!!

What's the plan, support? accountability? a new routine? . . . get a plan together and go at things again, you can do this!!

Nuudawn

I think we have all been full or "shoulda's and coulda's". Is today the day you begin the rebuild? 44 year is nowhere near too late : )

Glad you're back.

Viperidae

Thanks Nuudawn and all. Maybe I should change handles to something else. Johnny555 failed here a few times, and although I have drank, I have grown.

Viperidae

Well, typing here for a bit made me a little tired so I think I'll call it an early night. Feel free to keep the encouragement coming. I already hooked into August.

Thepatman

Welcome back!

Only today counts, yesterday is a done deal, and tomorrow out of reach.

You are here now so let's rock!

Nuudawn

I been Nuudawn here since I joined in 2006 (was gone a long time before returning last year). Put some months together last year than yup..figured I could moderate...here I am again with less than 2 months of sobriety.

As you say ..you have grown. As have I. Don't plan on changing my birthname so see no reason to change this one ; ) I think I wanted to when I tried to sign up here last year..but I guess that email addy hadn't changed so they ..still "had" me here. I am actually now glad of the history.

Dee74

Welcome back Johnny

I found like you I could do a week there, 2 weeks there, but lasting recovery required real and lasting changes in me and my lifestyle.

All the things that are getting you down - alcohol may help the symptoms, but it won't solve the problem.

In fact, as I'm sure you realise, it's probably exacerbating a lot of those issues you mentioned in the long run)

Things need to change...It's up to you to make the leap and ask for help Johnny whether it's AA, counselling or - and I'm not sure why you've decided rehab is impossible for you - inpatient or outpatient rehab.

D

Sasha4

Even though you probably see very little positive in your life now, I think there is a massive positive in the attitude and self understanding displayed that you have returned with.
Your insight into yourself, from what I can see is amazing.

I think if you can keep going with that and use it, you can get yourself into recovery in a good frame of mind and start stacking up your sober days.

Its nice having you back.

I wish you the best xx

biminiblue

Nice to eMeet you, johnny555.

I'm glad you've come back - still a little bit of warm left before the crazy winter hits. I know I dread November and December every year. The thing that has helped me a lot is Vitamin D supplements, especially living so far north. Low Vit D has been linked to depression. It has really made a difference in the last few years that I have been taking it.

Check it out. The upper limits are really high - you can research it. I take 2000iu a day.

Every little thing I can do helps! Exercise and healthy eating are huge for my mood, too.

Of course, the alcohol is a CNS depressant, so there's that. No bueno for moods.

Alphabet

Glad to have you back!

I can't offer you much in the way of advice as I'm newly sober myself, but I CAN offer you my support

Hevyn

It's very good to see you back here Johnny.

We care about you and want to help. I hope you'll keep posting. We know you can get your life back on track.

Viperidae

Dee, I have State Insurance. I won't get into the terrible mental health and addiction services in the US, unless you are rich. You're an Aussie right? I wish I lived there for many reasons.

IOP is an option. Very limited options with State Insurance. What IOP does for me is get my lazy butt out of bed at 8a.m. and on a schedule. That's about it. Done it 3 times, it didn't take. This is up to me.

I'll think on it. I know someone who just got out of someplace inpatient.

MythOfSisyphus

Good to see you back, Johnny. It sounds like your head is in the right place now, or at least you're headed in the right direction. I used to be the same way...every year I said, "this is gonna be the summer!" They say nothing changes til something changes, that was true in my case.

I'm almost the same age as you. I really regret the years I wasted, too. But today is today, it's all I have. You have to let go of the past and see the excuses for what they are. At least that is how it is with me.

Glad to see you're back in the fight, Johnny555!

afloatsober

Welcome back.
Can't help saying 'what happened to today in all that?'
Focus on not drinking today, doing the next right thing and set aside all the rest just for today.
And a meeting might help.
Just stuff that helped me when my head does the runaway train of doom crap on me.
It's 90% lies and irrational fear in my case and i am learning to ignore that old tired record.
Be safe and well.
G

Spinach

Today's the day and that is so positive.
John.

DisplacedGRITS

Johnny555 is alive! Sorry, couldn't help myself. AA is free but it won't get you outta bed. Only you can do that. They can be quite encouraging though. My last psych wanted to send me to rehab for a 3rd time. I can honesty tell you that i don't think it would have helped. What did finally help was getting my body through the doors of AA and getting my ass in one of those seats. Rehab is a finite thing. Eventually, they turn out into the wide world again with a head full of self knowledge. If self knowledge resulted in sobriety, few people would need rehab twice. What's gotten me sober and kept me there is becoming part of a sober fellowship, working the steps of AA and having a personal relationship with my Higher Power. If it worked for me, perhaps it can work for you as well.

DoubleDragons

Welcome back. Never give up hope!!

Viperidae

Thanks everyone so much. Like I said I did 6 weeks of IOP 3 times and it did not help. It doesn't help that with State Insurance you are watching videos from the 1980's oon VHS tapes that everyone just laughs at, then some 92 year old nurse gives a one hour lecture on HIV provention (It cannot be caught from a toilet? condoms?? I never knew!!), and unfortunately people's issues in group are the homeless shelter (makes me scared and I feel bad, but I can't relate).

My therapist even said, 'you have all of the tools, you just need to use them. You have been there done that.'

THANKS AGAIN!!!