WendyOR

I have been doing so much self reflecting lately. How did I put myself here. I am like an onion trying to peel each layer... what makes me feel so little for myself that when I love someone I put their needs and health before my own?

Do you ever think that? Do you ever reflect and wonder when you became so unimportant that you try to comfort everyone but yourself and then you have such loss?

I am piecing it together. I am not from an alcoholic background... (my bio dad is an alcoholic but didn't meet him til I was) so I did not witness those behaviors from him growing up.

I was from a home full of abuse. Walking on eggshells. Didn't know when or what would set him off. I was a stepchild, and my half brother and sister hung the stars and the moon in their eyes. (Mom and stepdad) My mom and dad both worked outside the home from the time I was in the third grade, I was responsible for all the household duties of cooking and taking care of my younger siblings. I even would walk from the bus stop with my older brother and we would get them. My brother was responsible to watch us all... but it was put on me... the diapers... the cooking, the dishes... EVERYTHING. I would even wake with my little sister when she was young as we shared a room... so if she woke crying I would get up and warm the bottle, go feed her... etc... my mom and dad were tired as they had worked and slept through it many times. (I was in first grade then). I used to babysit as a teen, for my own money... and I spent most of that money on my family. Not because I had to, but I wanted to. We didn't have a lot of money growing up so it was a treat for me to get them things that they wanted.

I am piecing it together.

What am I worth? Why do we lower our self worth?

happybeingme

Wendy, the official name now is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Family Dysfunc t ions. So, welcome to the club.
You haven't lowered your sense of worth. You never had it to start with. It is up to our parents to show us how to have self worth and when they don't we struggle. You spent your whole childhood only being valued for how you could help take care of the family. So, you continue to look for caregiver roles

firebolt

I don't know?!

I used to be so self absorbed and selfish as a kid. I want *some of that back! lol

Butterfly

Good question Wendy and I like you am also trying to figure it all out. Why do we feel so unimportant and less worthy of the same love and respect we give others. I like you put my AH needs and wishes before my own it got the the point where I had and still have no idea how I feel and I am only beginning this process it's hard work!!

I think if we grew up in an environment were our needs weren't important and we felt less worthy then those feelings continue into adulthood and we continue to put others first. I read how to stop being addicted to a person which I found very useful in understanding how my childhood impacted on my thoughts and feelings and why I chose dysfunctional relationships.

Your childhood sounds very difficult if you don't mind me asking how old were you when you were in First grade?

The process of recovery is a long difficult and painful journey and requires us to look deep within and make changes that are in our best interests not the interests of others, unless we have children. That's hard to do when most of our life we have put everyone else before ourselves

WendyOR

In first grade I was six.... six years old. I remember when my little sister was learning to walk and talk, she fell and started crying *mommy*. I ran from my room as I heard her... my mom was home at the time, and she was there trying to comfort her, and she continued crying for her mommy. When I was visible to her, she came to me and stopped crying. My mom was so upset an angry and hurt. I felt so bad and so guilty.

I remember another time, when my grandpa came into town, and stopped by with a friend on their way back home. It was unexpected and unannounced. He knew that he came at a time when my parents were gone to be at work so he was going to take us to dinner. I told him we couldn't as I was about to put dinner on the table. I invited them to eat with us. He said no, you can put your sandwiches in the fridge and take them to school tomorrow for lunch. I asked them to come in. I pulled the enchiladas out of the oven, and had a salad and Spanish rice all made. They stayed for dinner and took us out for ice cream afterwards. When my grandpa was dying, he brought it up to me.... on his death bed. Remember that time I stopped by. I knew what he was going to say as he had said it many times over the years. He made me cry. He still remembered. I must have been in the third grade then. Well, needless to say... I am a very good cook. GRIN. Something turned out good.

WendyOR

One good thing, I am so blessed for... is knowing some of the wrong doings in my childhood.... and making sure my kids know how important that they are to me. I tell each of them how much I love them so often that they probably get sick of me saying it. I have always wanted them to feel cherished. Each of them. I am not perfect... by any means... but, they are great kids.

WendyOR

Have you read the five languages of love? That is a good book.... It doesn't help the codie part of us, but good for relationships not afflicted with addictions.

happybeingme

Wendy. I am so very sorry you had that kind of life. No child should be a servant in their own home.

You are a good person and you are worthy. ((( hug )))

FireSprite

I do this too - my mom & AF were not emotionally demonstrative so we NEVER heard it as kids. We say it ALLLLLL the time in my house now & not in a watered-down robotic response kind of way, we have fun with it. Sometimes I just stop what I am doing (dishes, online, whatevs) & yell across the house.... "LITTLE FIRE GIRL!" {insert her full name}.... & when she gets that puzzled, "Whaaaaat?" response I just sweetly smile & say, "I LOVE YOU. Just thought you should know. Carry On."

The dynamic of caring for my younger sister really twisted my head as an ACoA seeking recovery...... acknowledging the kinds of memories/dysfunction like you reference above made me stop & examine if my very core definition of love (developed at a fundamental level as a child) included a certain expectation of obligation & codependency. That by extension, my sister's problems became my own & that solving them for her was an act of love. But it bred resentments on both sides - we were too close in age (3 yrs apart) for this to be a healthy attachment.

As a result it was just part of how I accepted love from others - I accepted that love would come with obligation. I had to change my fundamental definition to move forward with my thinking.

WendyOR

Thank you... I do appreciate that. I really do. I know I am. As soon as I get my feet underneath me, I know I am. We all are. That is the point. That is one of my issues I think is being the care taker. I have always been the care taker. I don't mind being the care taker, and maybe that is the real sickness for me. I see so much in the other person... I see all of their worthiness as well. I give them everything I have to give and expect so little in return. I am not a person who gives up. Although I have no contact with xabf, I have not given up on him. I just keep my distance and pray for him a lot. I do... I just know I am worth someone who is equally as supportive and isn't self absorbed in themselves. I know that is the addiction and not the person I met.

I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. It... well, made me a little teary. I had a counselor once, during a group session, stop the session... come and sit on a coffee table in front of me, she grabbed my hands and was silent or a few moments. She was looking deep in my eyes. The subject matter we were talking about was pretty intense. She finally broke the silence and said, if I would have been your mother that would have never happened. I want you to know, that would have never happened. With that, I think I cried harder than I ever have. Your words struck me in a kind way as hers did. Thank you.

WendyOR

Fire sprite... so me. Their issues become mine. Funny. I married a high school sweetheart at the age of 20. He was an addict as well to alcohol. I was so young and had no idea what that was. He left me with our baby... found the love of his life with a flight attendant... married her, divorced in six months... stayed single for years.... thought I got it... I understood... then came my next love, and he too had addictions. First husband just left his sixth wife two years ago while she slept. All these years later he is still filling my daughter with lies, but that is ok. She knows me better than that, and he has not seen her one time since he left us... she is now 26, and she was 1 at the time. I need to get to the core of my worthiness. It is no more important than theirs... but it is a important.

WendyOR

Firesprite... my acceptance of love, other than my children, is that... and this is hard to say... but, that it will be taken away.

happybeingme

I understand that feeling as well. Those who truly loved me divorced, died, or moved away in a four year time of my life. All I had left was my mom. And with her it really depended on how she felt as to whether or not I was loved by her.

I am 42 and have been married nearly 23 years and a little part of me still expects my husband to leave if he really loves and if he stays it must be because of some other reason. I am really screwed up. But, I do work on getting better every day. It isnt always easy though

FireSprite

That's interesting Wendy, never ceases to amaze me how we each have our definitions swayed by our experiences. My very best friend had a very verbally painful upbringing from her mother (who was totally dysfunctional, maybe a slight mental illness, but no addiction) and her discovery was that her definition of love included that same behavior.. so even in her most basic friendships instead of defending herself when someone treated her poorly she would pursue them with more love & understanding. She essentially enabled every. single. person. she. knew. It was a big AHA moment for her, even though it seems pretty obvious from the outside when she would share stories from her youth.

If you all haven't read "Perfect Daughters" by Robert Ackerman, you might find it enlightening.

I don't doubt for a second that you have TREMENDOUS WORTH Wendy! (((((HUGS))))))

WendyOR

I have not, but I am going to. GRIN. That is me! I am your friend. People could treat me poorly and I will try to rationalize it to death and think.... what did I do wrong. I had to do something wrong for them to say or do such a cruel thing. A little bit, well, who am I kidding.... A LOT, like when I was a child. What did I do wrong? The answer is nothing, I was a child. I am going to get that book for sure. I have read some books on healing the inner child. I am always trying to learn and be a better person. I also was raised in a strict seventh day Adventist church, and the message taught, was only so many people get into heaven, according to revelations, and you have to earn that love to be one of the chosen. I AM NO LONGER Seventh Day Adventist. But I really think that has to do with some of me as well. I go above and beyond. I thank you for your support. I do appreciate it. Isn't it funny, someone could give me a suitcase full of money and it would mean nothing to me... and simple words can melt a heart or make your eyes *leak*.

WendyOR

By the way, wasn't meaning what am I worth, but more, does anyone else think this way? Am I the only one that does? I was thinking of it because there were red flags in which I ignored, and I think it had to do with my opinion of my own self worth.

happybeingme

Yes. I have spent most of my life basing my self worth on what I can give, do, or be for others and if something was rotten in my life like a selfish friend, a fight with the husband, whatever. I felt it was all I deserved because I was somehow lacking or had done something wrong so I earned the poor treatment, misunderstanding or whatever.
Is that what you are asking?

ladyscribbler

Hand raised right here. I was also groomed to be a caretaker. When I complained about taking care of my brother (I was also only 3 yrs older, not very authoritative) my mom would tell me how good I had it, only having to take care of 1 brother. She was the oldest of 7 with 5 younger brothers. She and her sister were basically treated like "little mothers." My grandma was 16 when my mom was born and 17 when she had my aunt. Their father was extremely physically violent, so my mom also thought that as long as she wasn't hitting us with her fists, anything she said was perfectly fine and dandy.
Fantastic thread, thanks.

healthyagain

Right now, I am sitting here and thinking hard, and I cannot remember that my mom even once said "I love you." She would say "Thank you." But if I could only remember one hug and one "I love you" at the same time. I would die for it. But I swear I cannot. It is funny how things always go back to my mom. There was no addiction in my family, but everything and everybody was revolving around my mom who was just, but super strict. And I always feared her. I was trying to be good at school because of fear. I was passing all my exams on time because of fear (yes, I was over 20 and so afraid of her).

So, I guess, trying to pacify my AH is like trying to pacify my mom. I am kind of used to that type of treatment. And I keep thinking, if I do this or that, if I only try harder, if I please him, if I make him happy, he will love me. He will be nice to me. He will laugh, he will joke. He will be full of joy again.

NWGRITS

My AM would tell me "I love you," but it never felt genuine and I never felt any meaning behind it. It wasn't until my son was born that I knew what love really was. Then when I met my husband, I discovered what it was like to need someone because I love him, and not the other way around. My worth has always been placed on what I do for others or how well I do my job. That's starting to change, and it feels really good.