unease7

AH did something years ago and Ive never really dealt with it, dont know how. What I do know is he has made me promise to Never tell anyone and even after everything he has put me and our children thru all the dishonesty.Seing how cruel he could be toward me and show no remorse seeing him treat me in ways over and over in which I knew I could never treat him.I still am unable to even tell it on here to just see what some of your advice on this could be? I am still unable to share this at all, its the fear of guilt I know this feeling very well he has made sure of that and all the mind games Ive been subjected to over the years. It just amazes me the fear of that guilt still keeps me from seeking help or advice in one way or another. I do believe I have come a very long way but this shows me I still have a ways to go in getting my confidence back and getting control of my own thoughts and emotions. I let him control those things for way to long.Iam starting to see that his emotional abuse (took a long time and Alanon to realize thats what it was)has done more harm to me than I ever realized.Even posting on this forum is a huge deal for me that I would never had done a year ago,so atleast I know Iam getting there!

ladyscribbler

You don't have to share it here, or in an Alanon meeting, but I think that opening up and sharing would reduce this secret to its proper proportions so that it didn't occupy such a huge space in your mind. Have you thought about talking to a therapist? That way you could be sure of confidentiality and also start healing from the abuse you have suffered.
Hugs.

CodeJob

Keep chattering away here - though I agree with Ladyscribbler that a therapist or counselor might be best to confidentially unleash this secret from your heart and mind.

andyroo72

Hey there,

I think it's cool if you wanna keep the secret- so long as it's not hurting you :=] It's funny, I'm pretty convinced that addiction actually requires a significant amount of secrecy in some way shape or form. The two just seem to go together :=]

Thumper

It is funny how secrets are....how they can take on a life of their own after awhile..they look a lot like lies.

I have one too. It is his but since I keep it, it is mine now I guess. It isn't even shameful really other than I think I'm wrong in keeping it and someday I will probably pay a price for doing so.

Keep marching. A counselor is a good idea.

Sending you a hug today.

happybeingme

Well, you took a step. You shared with us that you have this secret. That is good. Maybe you can practice by writing it down and then tearing it up and throwing it away.

You are only as sick as your worse secret. Or something like that. But, it is something he did not you. Talking to a therapist or clergy may help. I think the United Way has therapy if you need it and live in the US

WendyOR

Secrets are so horrible for our minds. I hate them. I no longer will keep my xabf's secret of his addiction. It was not good for me. It is not good for him. He tries to say I am gaslighting.... I was honest. I don't care what they think of me.

FeelingGreat

Alcoholics use secrecy a lot. Partly they're ashamed, partly so they don't have to face up to themselves. When I was drinking the only person I ever told was my doctor, and that was very difficult.
It's unfair of your AH to give you this difficult secret which is weighing down on you harder than him it seems.

DragonInTheSky

unease...Did his secret involve hurting someone else? If it did, in all honesty I think you should share it with someone. Even if it didn't, I still think you should find a way to tell someone. As others have recommended, a therapist is a good option. Secrets are poison to the soul, I truly believe they take time off of of our lives. I have kept my fair share of them over the years, and sometimes it feels like there's nothing worse. Luckily I have a husband that I can tell anything to, and I believe I am a better person because of it. He was the first person I told about the level of the abuse I experienced in a former relationship. He was the first person I told a lot of things to, and I am so thankful for that. You deserve peace in your life ease.... Don't let your AH steal that away from you.

LadyinBC

Secrets are horrible. I had a few I kept and one day I decided to tell my counsellor about them. I can tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulders amazed me.

Just letting it out with someone who I trusted and felt comfortable with made all the difference. Even though I haven't told anyone else, it was very therapeutic as I didn't have to hold it in anymore. I was able to let it out and let it go.

unsureoffuture

My STBXAH wanted me to keep secrets too especially from his parents. Don't let them know about the drinking, about his mental health problems about this or that. For many years I did all of that until I realized it was not healthy for me. Part of my recovery was to tell him I am no longer keeping secrets. It was very freeing. I am no longer under his control I am free to speak and act as I wish.

unease7

Thank you! to everyone for all of your replies and Dragoninthesky no he didnt hurt anyone (other than me)he had waited a couple months after it happened to tell me,and Im still not sure to this day , if it was eating him up inside from the guilt and so he had no choice but to tell me or if we were just talking and I happen to shock him by asking the wright question at the wright time leaving him with only having to answer yes or no. To me when I think about that night and the conversation we were having it was like he was either building up to tell me what had happend or he was just bragging either way he was telling me or describing to me the personality of someone he works with (whom he still works with)and this was before his drinking had really even become an issue even though he did try to blame alcohol from the previous night onat least some of his choices that morning

AnvilheadII

even tho you aren't comfortable with sharing what happened, you can certainly share your thoughts and feelings about it. it sure sounds like this guy has done a real number of your self worth and confidence. and likes to terrorize his own small children. i'm cheerfully giving him a good shinning in my mind for you!

you've made some very brave steps and i commend you!