Paci

I am divorced but until recently, living with my exAH. I’ve been on a roller coaster but one day he seemed to lose sanity and cried out for help but I couldn’t find it. He then moved out to evaluate our relationship but has been miserably unhappy apart while dangerously binging. He wants to move west, together, to a slower pace close to nature and start over, as he said the east coast is toxic to him, and it seems it is. I’ve tried to get used to the idea and search for jobs there and imagine moving but am afraid to leave for the unknown. He has been self-destructing almost continuously while living apart for the last four months so I was afraid there wouldn’t be change from that in either letting him come back home or moving to a new environment. I had hoped he’d get on his feet and date while he recovered and had all the hope it would work out. But he sunk into a serious depression where he drank/used and became destructive and insane. He was taken in for evaluation a couple times, went in for five days inpatient care, and has weekly counseling but these were a result of breakdowns and not free will. I am out of my mind worried, as I haven’t heard from him in a couple days. I have been talking to him several times a day since he left 4 months ago and fear he is sick or worse. He lives with his mom who told me just last week that we aren’t good for each other and I need to break it off and his brother said we need to go no contact as he can’t, but I love him deeply and haven’t been able to ignore his calls. He touches my heart, we have a strong bond, and he has been crying miserably. I never want to give up and always thought we could start again if he could find sobriety. I thought time away would force him to get his life together. I have tried to encourage him and love him from a distance. I feel a bond and commitment to him and want him to get on track and work it out but he stays in the illness. I have overwhelming guilt, sadness, and heartbreak. I wonder if I should have left everything behind to move, if it would have saved him, or even invited him back home where I could have helped in his recovery. I’m hurting for him and can only hope he is okay. Thank you for listening and any insight.

CarryOn

I'm sorry for your heartache, Paci. Do you know the Three C's? You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. From what you have shared, I would guess that staying together or moving out west with him would have only slowed the progression of the disease. You sound very focused on him...what do you do for yourself? Have you been to AlAnon?

unease7

The guilt is the worst,just try to remember this and I know its so hard but things happen for a reason (everything ) we just cant always see it at that time.I read a quote about loving an alcoholic it helps me sometimes with my AH and the guilt 'We cripple people who Are capable of walking because we choose to carry them'

lillamy

Hi Paci -- I think what you said above is a very wise thought that's founded in self-preservation. My ex moved us every few years because of something -- he couldn't live there because there were too many memories; he couldn't live there because everyone knew he had been behaving badly while drunk; if we just moved, we could start over and everything would be fine.

My experience was that the biggest consequence of moving was that I lost my network of friends and family. That made me more dependent on him, it isolated us more, and was not a good thing.

I know how hard it is when the person you've imagined a life with makes choices that makes your dreams look less and less likely. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for YOU -- not for him.

I'm glad you're here. There's a lot of experience, knowledge, and wisdom among the folks here.

Paci

I’ve always struggled between knowing his heart, the disease, and my powerlessness. I can relate to everyone’s stories here-I’ve been through much of it. I guess I’m hanging on to all the good in him and the relationship we had without the addiction, the part I am bonded with. I see the destruction from the rest and have a hard time letting go of the belief I can’t fix it. I also haven’t been good at keeping the focus on me. I guess I’ve felt best when he was inpatient, taken care of and safe, my serenity. I’ve been on/off to al-anon and it has been an invaluable life line, as this forum is to me.

dandylion

Paci.....I suspect that the pain you are feeling is, at least, in part, natural grieving for the loss of the relationship that you invested your dreams in.

ending relationships is a painful process (if you were invested).

It is short-term pain for long term gain. If you will go ahead and grieve--and hang on to alanon for dear l ife---for the self-care that it offers you...you will emerge from this stronger, in the end. Stronger and, finally, happy to greet each new day.
"Geographic Cures"---almost never work!!!!!! One takes their own problems to the new location.

You can get over this pain in a certain amount of time. Living with an active alcoholic--the pain NEVER ends...it just gets worse and worse.....

dandylion

hopeful4

Hello, I am so sorry that you are hurting. The three C's are right, but that does not make it hurt any less. So So Sorry!!!

I am glad you are here, getting support.

Tight Hugs!

NYCDoglvr

It's called a "geographic". Alcoholics think life will be better if they move and learn that it isn't. As long as they're drinking life can't get better, it's an internal job. But why are YOU thinking of moving with him? Sounds like the relationship doesn't work. I suggest Alanon.