beating myself up
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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beating myself up
Last night, ABF told me hes getting a vasectomy - he decided he definitely doesn't want children.
Well - honestly I wouldn't have kids with him anyway - obviously. Really, who would even drive me to the hospital when I went into labor?! lol
Even though I can't fathom kids with him, this hurt. I DID want to get married and I DID want a family at some point, and it's getting too late for me at 37 now. My dad is going through terminal illness, and he will never see either of those things from me.
The point of this is that I am emotionally kicking my own ass. Over ALL of the decisions I've made that led me here. Over choosing so many of the wrong men. Over staying with an alcoholic (and other wrong guys) despite my own unhappiness and knowledge that this is wrong - for so long. I feel like I've chosen the exact opposite of what I want in a person, and I've sat here like an idiot waiting for him to turn into that right guy.
I've done the same with my (now recovering) alcoholic boss. I should have left years ago.
I am so angry and disappointed and shocked at myself. These feelings are making me depressed and wanting to isolate and turning me into someone I don't want to be. We have one shot at life and I feel like I have screwed mine all to hell in the romance / family department. I am not able to be gentile with myself right now. I am not finding the ability to bounce back and be my happy, funny, bubbly self.
I need to turn this around, take action, and live in the now but I am having a really really difficult time. I'd love suggestions on finding ways to feel better enough to DO something about all this. Thanks for listening.
Well - honestly I wouldn't have kids with him anyway - obviously. Really, who would even drive me to the hospital when I went into labor?! lol
Even though I can't fathom kids with him, this hurt. I DID want to get married and I DID want a family at some point, and it's getting too late for me at 37 now. My dad is going through terminal illness, and he will never see either of those things from me.
The point of this is that I am emotionally kicking my own ass. Over ALL of the decisions I've made that led me here. Over choosing so many of the wrong men. Over staying with an alcoholic (and other wrong guys) despite my own unhappiness and knowledge that this is wrong - for so long. I feel like I've chosen the exact opposite of what I want in a person, and I've sat here like an idiot waiting for him to turn into that right guy.
I've done the same with my (now recovering) alcoholic boss. I should have left years ago.
I am so angry and disappointed and shocked at myself. These feelings are making me depressed and wanting to isolate and turning me into someone I don't want to be. We have one shot at life and I feel like I have screwed mine all to hell in the romance / family department. I am not able to be gentile with myself right now. I am not finding the ability to bounce back and be my happy, funny, bubbly self.
I need to turn this around, take action, and live in the now but I am having a really really difficult time. I'd love suggestions on finding ways to feel better enough to DO something about all this. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I know these questions probably sound tired and cliche, firebolt, but do you get enough sleep? Do you exercise? Do you drink enough water? Is your diet more or less good foods?
Changing those habits for me made and continue to make a world of difference in my outlook. They aren't going to solve all your problems overnight, but they can make finding the solutions that much more possible, even probable.
Changing those habits for me made and continue to make a world of difference in my outlook. They aren't going to solve all your problems overnight, but they can make finding the solutions that much more possible, even probable.
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I am not getting enough sleep. I've had insomnia off and on my whole life, and it is currently ON like crazy (2 - 4 hours / night.) You're right - that can't help. I am not getting enough exercise, but I am eating right and drinking plenty of water. I want to exercise daily and quit smoking (again). Damn these action items. Thank you for the reminder.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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It all sounds simple, but I know from personal experience it is not easy. I quit smoking about 3 years ago (for the last time...), and it's really taken those three years since making that first decision to get into regular habits of taking care of myself. They fell into place one at a time, NOT all at once, so try not to let self-care seem like something you're 'failing at' or it's super-easy to just stop trying. Many hugs to you. Keep talking.
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firebolt---it is not too late to freeze your eggs.
If he gets a vasectomy---at least it will prevent any of his (potential) children from growing up with an alcoholic father. At least you won't end up raising those children as a single mother.
I say--thank him for getting a vasectomy--freeze the eggs---and, get yourself healthy.
(of course, this is just me)
dandylion
***was he really serious...or, just trash talking to jerk your chain?
If he gets a vasectomy---at least it will prevent any of his (potential) children from growing up with an alcoholic father. At least you won't end up raising those children as a single mother.
I say--thank him for getting a vasectomy--freeze the eggs---and, get yourself healthy.
(of course, this is just me)
dandylion
***was he really serious...or, just trash talking to jerk your chain?
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I don't know the answers but wanted to let you know I am here, supporting you! I feel for you. However, 37 is the new 25! It's not too late to change things in your life that make you unhappy, or strive for the things that will make you happy.
Tight, tight hugs!
Tight, tight hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Firebolt! I have had the EXACT same thoughts recently. I just turned 38 and it seems like I have just been slapped awake...wait a minute, I just spent the past twenty years in one type of dysfunctional relationship or another...seems I have done the full circle cause I have finally come back to the alcoholic relationship that is eerily reminiscent of my relationship with my alcoholic mother when I was a child...but I too have this idea about a life with someone...maybe kids...maybe not...but still, something solid and healthy and happy. All of this wasted time and for what?
But even though it scares me to think that I have been in a repetitious cycle that I am only now starting to wake from- again at 38, I think it is time to work on me. To remove myself from a man who is sucking the happiness and comfort from my life. One step at a time. You could still meet someone new and have a healthy baby. My aunt didn't marry until 40 and was pregnant at 42. It isn't too late for the things that you want.
But even though it scares me to think that I have been in a repetitious cycle that I am only now starting to wake from- again at 38, I think it is time to work on me. To remove myself from a man who is sucking the happiness and comfort from my life. One step at a time. You could still meet someone new and have a healthy baby. My aunt didn't marry until 40 and was pregnant at 42. It isn't too late for the things that you want.
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Danylion - I think he is serious. Maybe he is coming to the realization that he is an alcoholic, and doesn't currently want to change that? And maybe he has enough sense to know that children should not grow up with that? Freezing eggs are a great idea. I don't want to be 80 telling a 17 year old to be home at midnight though lol.
SK - thank you. It's so hard. I have such an overwhelming feeling of failure right now that it is giving me anxiety and making me feel so out of myself (if that makes sense), making me teary eyed constantly, and is just depressing. I don't want to be this way.
I just read a great article on changing our thinking. On squashing ANT's. This is helping me right now (along with you guys) if anyone else needs some positivity.
AHHA: ANT Therapy
SK - thank you. It's so hard. I have such an overwhelming feeling of failure right now that it is giving me anxiety and making me feel so out of myself (if that makes sense), making me teary eyed constantly, and is just depressing. I don't want to be this way.
I just read a great article on changing our thinking. On squashing ANT's. This is helping me right now (along with you guys) if anyone else needs some positivity.
AHHA: ANT Therapy
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
***was he really serious...or, just trash talking to jerk your chain?
Pointing out that he might be just jerking your chain may not feel any better, but it might help that you're thinking about this *now*? I'm so sorry.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hugs, firebolt!
Read your thread and it's like you are in my head! I'm two months shy of 36 and share your concerns about having children. I think Dandylion has made the suggestion about freezing eggs before & I think it is a great one! One of the ladies in my home group also suggested it in one of our meetings.
We're all learning to take the actions we can and to gather knowledge wherever possible, right? So, one of the things that I am mentally psyching myself up to do (sometimes it takes me a while to take the action!) is to get a referral from my physician to go see a fertility specialist. I'm hoping they'll be able to help me understand my health from a fertility perspective - what things I should or should not be doing, what I can do to prolong it, and find out about freezing eggs. I honestly believe it will give me some comfort to understand this better. I have also considered the possibility of having a child on my own if it comes to that. At least I will understand my options better.
I picked up a book on my travels this year - The Happiness Project. It's not recovery, but I find that it works well with my recovery work. The author writes about making changes to your everyday life to improve your own happiness & how she built on those changes over the course of a year. I've taken her cue and have started by addressing my energy - getting enough sleep, exercising more, etc. I like the difference in how I feel and want to do more.
Thanks for sharing this today...it's nice to know we're not alone!
Read your thread and it's like you are in my head! I'm two months shy of 36 and share your concerns about having children. I think Dandylion has made the suggestion about freezing eggs before & I think it is a great one! One of the ladies in my home group also suggested it in one of our meetings.
We're all learning to take the actions we can and to gather knowledge wherever possible, right? So, one of the things that I am mentally psyching myself up to do (sometimes it takes me a while to take the action!) is to get a referral from my physician to go see a fertility specialist. I'm hoping they'll be able to help me understand my health from a fertility perspective - what things I should or should not be doing, what I can do to prolong it, and find out about freezing eggs. I honestly believe it will give me some comfort to understand this better. I have also considered the possibility of having a child on my own if it comes to that. At least I will understand my options better.
I picked up a book on my travels this year - The Happiness Project. It's not recovery, but I find that it works well with my recovery work. The author writes about making changes to your everyday life to improve your own happiness & how she built on those changes over the course of a year. I've taken her cue and have started by addressing my energy - getting enough sleep, exercising more, etc. I like the difference in how I feel and want to do more.
Thanks for sharing this today...it's nice to know we're not alone!
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Join Date: May 2012
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It is not too late if you are emotionally ready for that kind of change! 2 of my BFF's have had babies in the last year - one at 39 yo & the other at 40! Neither had any major pregnancy issues & delivered healthy babies. 
I myself went through years of infertility to finally achieve a healthy pregnancy with DD after 2 yrs of treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist.
In fact, one of my friends is a RA herself & she had *almost* convinced herself that it was too late for her, but ended up taking the road to sobriety instead. Never say never!
I myself went through years of infertility to finally achieve a healthy pregnancy with DD after 2 yrs of treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist.In fact, one of my friends is a RA herself & she had *almost* convinced herself that it was too late for her, but ended up taking the road to sobriety instead. Never say never!
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CarryOn - have you heard of #100happydays? It's a 100-day challenge to find something that makes you happy/smile every day. I was just reading about it the other day & am thinking about doing it!
It sounds like exactly what you are looking for!
It sounds like exactly what you are looking for!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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maybe a good start on making GOOD HEALTHY DECISIONS would be to ditch this relationship? it sure as hell isn't going anywhere positive. and it's putting so much more of a drain on you than you realize. out with the bad, in with the good and all that!
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I agree Anvilhead - that would be a hell of a start. I keep trying to leave (for over 2 years), then freeze. I don't know why - I just need to put one foot in front of the other and GO. It makes me feel so weak and stupid.
They have an alcoholic voice, so maybe we have a codie voice, and inevitably, at the last second, my CV takes over and I get paralyzed with hope and fear and then I stay. And then I inevitably regret it, and then get even more down on myself for it. It's a viscous cycle only I can stop. Knowing is one thing, doing is another. So hard.
They have an alcoholic voice, so maybe we have a codie voice, and inevitably, at the last second, my CV takes over and I get paralyzed with hope and fear and then I stay. And then I inevitably regret it, and then get even more down on myself for it. It's a viscous cycle only I can stop. Knowing is one thing, doing is another. So hard.
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Firebolt, I'm in the same situation as you except I'm 9 years older and I'm waaay too old to start a family. You, however, still have some time left. I think Dandylion made a great suggestion about freezing your eggs.
I too have made a lot of bad choices. My first husband was an alcoholic and although his drinking was far from our biggest problem it didn't take long for me to figure out having kids with him was a bad idea. So what did i do? I divorced him and found myself another alcoholic. Sigh And yes I suppose I've been waiting far too long for him to change. Doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon if ever.
I see my brother and his beautiful boys and I find myself feeling sad and regretful for the poor choices I've made. While I may never be a mom, I can spoil the heck out of my nephews and be the best auntie the world has ever known!
So what do I do to feel better? I focus on all that is good in my life (gratitude list comes in very handy), and I try not to dwell on things I can't change, it's pointless. Like others have mentioned here, taking exceptional care of yourself really helps in keeping a good perspective on things and making better choices.
Do you have anything in your life that you are really passionate about? Something maybe just for you?
FWIW, you're not alone.
I too have made a lot of bad choices. My first husband was an alcoholic and although his drinking was far from our biggest problem it didn't take long for me to figure out having kids with him was a bad idea. So what did i do? I divorced him and found myself another alcoholic. Sigh And yes I suppose I've been waiting far too long for him to change. Doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon if ever.
I see my brother and his beautiful boys and I find myself feeling sad and regretful for the poor choices I've made. While I may never be a mom, I can spoil the heck out of my nephews and be the best auntie the world has ever known!
So what do I do to feel better? I focus on all that is good in my life (gratitude list comes in very handy), and I try not to dwell on things I can't change, it's pointless. Like others have mentioned here, taking exceptional care of yourself really helps in keeping a good perspective on things and making better choices.
Do you have anything in your life that you are really passionate about? Something maybe just for you?
FWIW, you're not alone.
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Thanks Hopeful - it feels good to know I'm not alone, even though it sucks others feel this way. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I have SO much to be thankful for. The best friends and family a girl could ask for to start. Great idea - I will make a list!
I have a lot of passions - lucky there as well
. And per your suggestion, I'm going to fly down the highway on my motorcycle, with a fishing pole strapped to my back and head for the river after work. I know that doesn't help with my isolating, but it is church for me - and I could clearly use some.
I have SO much to be thankful for. The best friends and family a girl could ask for to start. Great idea - I will make a list!
I have a lot of passions - lucky there as well
. And per your suggestion, I'm going to fly down the highway on my motorcycle, with a fishing pole strapped to my back and head for the river after work. I know that doesn't help with my isolating, but it is church for me - and I could clearly use some. Member
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Originally Posted by firebolt
I'm going to fly down the highway on my motorcycle, with a fishing pole strapped to my back and head for the river after work. I know that doesn't help with my isolating, but it is church for me - and I could clearly use some.
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that would be a hell of a start. I keep trying to leave (for over 2 years), then freeze. I don't know why - I just need to put one foot in front of the other and GO.
it's a bit like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute....all you really need to do is take ONE step and you're committed!!! quit worrying about the fall, trust your parachute (faith, courage, us, family) and take that step.
use the same technique with your inner negative voice that addicts use....
1. Do not ARGUE
2. Do not BARGAIN
3. Do not BELIEVE it
4. Do not ALLOW it to get comfy
for me i always imagined i had a door on each side of my head....in the right door would march the Voices, a vicious noisy little bunch, and they'd start in "blah blah blah blah blah" and i'd say, hmm, thanks for sharing, now move along and then i'd usher them out the left door.
it's a bit like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute....all you really need to do is take ONE step and you're committed!!! quit worrying about the fall, trust your parachute (faith, courage, us, family) and take that step.
use the same technique with your inner negative voice that addicts use....
1. Do not ARGUE
2. Do not BARGAIN
3. Do not BELIEVE it
4. Do not ALLOW it to get comfy
for me i always imagined i had a door on each side of my head....in the right door would march the Voices, a vicious noisy little bunch, and they'd start in "blah blah blah blah blah" and i'd say, hmm, thanks for sharing, now move along and then i'd usher them out the left door.
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