BBTaco

Hi all, it has been one month now since my ABF has done his disappearing act. He won't reply to my texts, calls, emails etc...or anyone else's.

This is ALL due to my going to get a glass of wine one night when he texted me that he had "beat up someone, lots of blood...going home, I'm ok, talk tomorrow". I thought "**** it! I'm stressed out, I want to go get a glass of wine!". So I did. I had a feeling that he wasn't really going home, and was instead coming to my place, but I just wanted to get out to sit down and relax.

20 mins later, I get a text "Can I come up for a sec?". I showed up, he noticed I didn't walk out of my building, he said, "Of course you're not home". He was drunk. I keep thinking, OBSESSING, all day, for over a month now, about how I was SO WRONG to get out and get a glass of wine to calm my nerves as he'd just told me he beat the **** out of someone...why do I feel SO BAD? Like I ruined the relationship? What is his reasoning?

Sorry, I just had to type this out as I can't get through the work day. I can't believe that one glass of wine has cost me this much pain. It's not my fault...I keep saying that. But also, had I stayed at home, I wouldn't be in this pain.

I'm not a big emoticon fan but......

SparkleKitty

Honey, if you'd stayed at home, there would just be a different kind of pain. No relationship that hinges so much on whether or not you go out one night with your friends and do whatever you want to do is worth this much heartache. I can say this because I've been there.

You can spend all of your time and energy trying to figure out why but the answer is because he is an alcoholic. That time and energy is better spent figuring out why someone who treats you so unacceptably has been getting to live rent-free in your head for so long.

Sending you strength, courage, and patience. This stuff is hard. The longer you try to focus on anyone else to provide you with your happiness, the longer you delay discovering that you've had the ability to provide it to yourself the whole time.

dandylion

BBTaco....this has nothing to do with the glass of wine or where you were (or weren't).

From all that you have posted, here...this guy sounds seriously messed up.
You have no control over that. You have no control over him. He does what he wants.

I suspect that the anxiety that you are feeling, right now is a combination of grief over the loss of the relationship and some very strong fears of abandonment.

Stay on your program of recovery for yourself and trust that you will heal from this trauma in time.

dandylion

p.s. have you done any of the classic readings?

Hawkeye13

Frankly BB, that glass of wine did you a big favor.

Nobody needs a controlling late-stage alcoholic drug abuser as a life partner.

I know there's passion and intensity and that covers for a lot (been there too)
but ultimately, you can never be healthy and whole in this kind of relationship.

I think deep down you know that too.

Box up his stuff and take it to your mutual friend.
Time to move on, isn't it?

BBTaco

I read "Women Who Love Too Much", which was a great help! I have "Codependent No More" on it's way to me now. Any other readings I should check out, Dandylion?

I can box his stuff up, but again, as no one has heard from him, I don't know where it would go...and it's a lot of stuff. I've called hospitals (he's very sick), police stations (he gets arrested a lot), but my gut tells me he's "fine", just ignoring us. I know where he stays when he's not with me, a cheap hotel on the Upper West Side, where he's crashed for 20 years...should I send his stuff there? I don't want to "put my hand in the hornets nest" by doing that.

Hawkeye, I think I do, deep down, know that this can't be healthy. It never has been. Our friends compare us to "Sid & Nancy" and we all know how that ended, for both involved.

ladyscribbler

You are accepting a lot of blame that does not belong to you. By thinking that if you had only done x differently or not done y that it would have been some magic formula that would have controlled his reaction is crazymaking. You don't have to accept the responsibility for his actions.
Chances are he will never stop blaming others for his behavior, that's just the mentality of someone in active addiction. You have the choice not to accept delivery of his nonsense. You are giving him all the power. When you take it back and stop choosing to accept blame for his unacceptable behavior your obsessing and guilt can end.

ladyscribbler

You haven't heard from him either, so why do you have to keep it? At least box it up so you're not looking at it all the time. Send it to the hotel, but don't put your return address on it. If he's not there, he can go to the post office and pick it up.

AnvilheadII

HIS actions have NOTHING to do with you choosing to go get a glass of wine. he's a drunken lunatic who had a violent bloody outburst at another person. he's not right in the mind. there is no logic. nor is there a direct connection between one thing and another. this is not your fault. you probably can't see it right now, but you are much better off without this person infecting your life. he's very unstable.

strive for health and happiness instead!

dandylion

BBTaco---great that you ordered "Co-dependent no more". I know that you are going to get a lot out of that, also. A real page-turner.

That you are reading this material shows me that you are trying to gain more understanding about yourself. After you read this---I suggest considering doing some work
with a therapist regarding your family of origin and how that has/is affecting your personal life, right now.

This is what has finally opened the door for so many, here. on SR.

Investing in yourself, right now--in this window of opportunity-- is the best thing you could ever do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will change your whole life.

dandylion

BBTaco

Thank you, I always make connections that lead back to blaming myself. I think it's part of growing up with an A dad who treated my mom the same way. He was horrible to her. I don't know how she found the strength to leave with a 3 year old daughter (me!) but she is tough as nails now with an incredible husband and even had my little sister when she was 42.

She saw in my ABF right away what I am struggling to see now. She told me "he is a dark force, just trust me. Do NOT go to NYC if you are going to see him!" and course that's what happened. And here we are!

SparkleKitty

I used to blame myself for everything. This was very much tied into my control issues. After all, if it was all my fault, then I could stop it from happening again if I could just figure out what I did wrong (hint: that's an impossible task, and how you end up with "if I had not had that one glass of wine, he would not be missing for the past month"). Getting past blaming myself has lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.

BBTaco

Sparklekitty, I have major control issues, too. I think also related to those with a topsy turvy childhood? Who knows. Anyway, I never thought about it this way. Every time, every single time he disappears, I blame myself, and he lets me take it (of course). I never thought about my control issues playing into this, but it makes sense. Thank you!

SparkleKitty

Mine come from growing up with an alcoholic mother. In our house, everything was about trying to create a perfect environment so as not to make Mom mad. You had to learn to do better if you were going to get through.

Those skills I learned then don't apply to healthy relationships, so I had to unlearn them all!

Argnotthisagain

I don't understand either how they can blame everyone else, even when it's against all reason, but I do know that we do the opposite- -UNblame them or others for hurting us.

What's up with that? Well, looking into myself, I'd say off the top of my head...
*Projection(I wouldn't lie or have mean hidden agendas, so of course, everyone thinks like me. 'Specially if I like them.)

*Abandonment fears--I'll take any amount of ugliness, if you've given me some crumbs.

*my addiction (attention, pretty words, passion, etc. from my One Magical Person) feels better than any hit off the best crack pipe in the world.

I grew up with a severely abusive, rageaholic, emotionally twisted BPD mother and a mostly absent, hi-powered, successful, heavy drinking Dad....So, I don't understand what's going on in their heads, but I did learn all the codie reactions. Especially feeling empty and worthless, and desperate for affection from anyone.

Their craziness is terrifying, threatening, doesn't make any sense---but I guess our sticking around and denying what's happening to us doesn't make sense either. :/

BBTaco

YES! To all of this! And I love "One Magical Person"...so true. Sometimes he will disappear for months at a time, and obviously, I will find someone else to date, I would get lonely. Then he would show up again, acting as though we were still together, and get mad that I started seeing someone else, then disappear again. So crazy. And then I'd leave whoever I was with, as they didn't have "the passion". It's so true. Getting a text or call or attention from the ABF feels like a major high, like all is right with the world and I can do anything. The absence of that rush feels so shattering.

BBTaco

I just want to say thank you all, so so much. This forum, this site, has been so good for me, and to me. My mother is my best friend and I can't tell her what has happened in the 8 mos since I moved here, it would break her heart. At 34 I'm still her little girl. I really appreciate all of the advice, it's the same she would give me if she knew. Thank you all a million times over! It has made a massive difference.