Jeni26

Hello my friends. It's been a long time, a year probably, since I posted in the Newcomers section. I lived here once upon a time...used to share every single struggle and celebrate every success with you. This was where I found my strength to move through those times when it seemed downright impossible to take another step forward. I cried, laughed, got scared and was resentful and you all understood.

And now..I'm 2+ years sober. I have rebuilt my crumbling marriage..I have the most wonderful relationship with my children..I have had promotion at work..I have built an amazing support of sober alcoholic friends...

But 2 nights ago I had a battle with the very devil himself, and I was as close to drinking as I've been in 2 years. I could taste that vodka, I had that stomach wrenching desperate NEED..yes it was a NEED for alcohol that almost got me. It was too close for comfort and I need to post here and I think I need support.

I have been working through so many issues from the past. I had made my peace with so many of the difficult things that had happened to me as a child. I had forged a relationship with my Dad who had caused me so much physical and mental damage growing up. I found a faith in something I call God. Then my Dad got really ill. I was with him when we found out he wasn't going to get better. I held his hand when the oncologist told him he might have a few months but probably less. I had huge anxieties, but no call to drink.i found many ways to be helpful and I looked out for my Mum and my sister.

But now...the cancer has changed his behaviour and he is back to being mean, hurtful and abusive...and I just can't take this. We had shared a beautiful conversation in which I had made my amends for my part in our estrangement and he had said sorry for the past..and although I knew we didn't have long, we finally had what could be a Father/daughter relationship.

And now he is back to how he was when I was growing up and this is JUST NOT FAIR. With every mean thing he says something twists in my stomach because we had got past this.

And I have doubts that there could really ever be a God..and with that thought the very devil himself is sitting on my shoulder. Trying to isolate me from support. Whispering lies about how a drink will help.

And I want to run and hide because I simply CAN NOT go back to drinking. It will kill me and destroy so much.

I need you guys right now.

Dee74

I'm really sorry Jeni - I know how much it must hurt right now and how tempting it must be to think all that work was for nothing.

But it's really not been for nothing...take the word of an independent observer who's seen you grow into yourself and who's seen you make your way through some pretty challenging things.

You have made great strides...and regardless of what that hateful sneering voice in your head says, you have been on a journey, you have moved forward, and you have been a help and inspiration to many here, including me.

Noone knows how best to push our buttons and find our deepest fears and sore points than ourselves.

Our addiction - that maladaption in us - lies. Always.

That's the bottom line.



D

PS Don't fall for its crap

Jeni26

Thank you Dee. You really help me so much. This makes me feel so sick to be back in this position.

Yeah I've worked really hard for sobriety..I always said I would do ANYTHING to free myself from the chains of addiction and I meant it. I did AA , I live the steps every day, I embrace parts of AVRT, I went for excruciating therapy sessions and I learned how to meditate. I got a sponsor and I sponsor others. I'm looking into AlAnon as I realise I have issues with codependency. I will help anyone who asks for it. And I've learned to deal with so much.

It has brought me amazing happiness to be sober. I love my little family more than life itself.

I guess I had forgotten just what this feels like. And I'm really frightened.

Verte

I'm so sorry to read that you are experiencing pain and struggling right now. Addiction is a beast - I admire your strength in coming here to keep it off of your back. Hugs to you and support during this very challenging time.

Dee74

You know that quote Courage is feeling the fear but doing it anyway?
Recovery is a lot like that for me.

To me, Recovery isn't the absense of fear - it's feeling the fear, and doing what I know is right anyway.

If you need support ask for it. There's no shame in that - noone is so awesome that they don't need anyone else from time to time

I think sometimes we think we need to be superhuman to be able to call ourselves recovered.

It's just not true to me - for me, it's about feeling very much human - but wearing the spandex suit anyway

D

Jeni26

All my support is online. I've never been one for the fellowship but I'm seriously considering hitting a couple of meetings. In the beginning I did lots and held service positions. I've got a lovely friend, a sponsee, visiting from America in a few days and that is brilliant timing. We've got lots planned and it has been that thought that has kept me sober. My lovely daughter gets her exam results next week then will be leaving for uni. I need to stay sober to help her through this transition. She and I are having a couple of days away in a few weeks. Another reason not to drink. My Mum needs help in caring for my Dad. Me and my sister are sharing the load..they need me.

My addiction is ticking away...I'm mentally preparing a list. When my Dad has gone, my visitor has left, my daughter packed off to uni..it is waiting patiently for me. This feels like a battle looming.

FourSeasons

Stay strong, Jeni! This too shall pass... For it is only a moment in time.

MidnightBlue

((Jeni, I am here))

HeadLump

^^^^^ And me, Jeni. And me. And many, many others too

Nothing you could do would change your dad unless he wanted to change. But you've changed you. Through all that hard work, determination and pain, you've been transformed - and now you are too strong to ever go back to the way you were.

Let it wait. It will always be waiting. But when you get through all this, you will be more powerful than you have ever been xxx

LadyinBC

I just went and re-read your story that you posted in April.

Take a deep breath and focus on this as honestly it really stood out to me:

You can get past this, because you have before. You've done good girl!

Keeping you in my thoughts.

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment Jeni. As Dee says, you have made amazing progress over the last 2 years and nothing can change that. Nothing can or will change that.

I'm sorry your dad is ill and is showing signs of past behaviour but that doesn't mean you have to drink. You will get through this and there is nothing that drinking will help with.

We are here for you.x

Jeni26

God SR is so powerful...thank you all so much xxx

MythOfSisyphus

Sorry for what you're going through, Jeni. Hard as it is try to remember that it's not your dad, it's the disease. My dad and I were really close, but in his last half a year of life the meds they had him on made him basically a zombie; he couldn't focus or remember things and was much like a small child. To this day it's hard to know that I didn't really have a chance to say goodbye to him or enjoy a meaningful conversation with him since he wasn't really lucid.

Remember the love and try to do the best you can.

It's scary to get those powerful cravings! I'm just short of two years into sobriety and there was only one time when it was really touch and go. My last GF and I were pretty serious, even thought we might get married. Eventually it didn't work out but we remained friends. After about eight months sober I was confident enough that it was gonna "take" that I wrote her an email to tell her I'd finally quit drinking. She said she was happy for me and had quit herself- because she and her new hubby were pregnant. That really crushed me. I was happy for her but it seems like she and I were always in competition with one another when we were together. Now she had everything she wanted which made me feel like I had nothing. Stupid, I know.

I don't mean to sidetrack the conversation or change the subject. I'm giving you my story to explain how a very serious emotional moment can rock your equilibrium to the core. The AV is always waiting for you to weaken, it will take advantage of any opening we give it.

As hard as it is, try to be mindful and "in the moment." Easier said than done, I realize. But I try to not get over the moon when things are good because I know things won't always be this good. By the same token I understand that the bad times generally don't last either.

I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is guard your sobriety jealously. You've come to far to turn back now, and drinking will only amplify your pain.

Weasel1966

Jeni.... You are such a delight to know.

Look into the faces of those wonderful kids. Give each a kiss.

Then look into the face of your husband and give him a kiss.

Then you look in the mirror. And even give yourself a kiss.

Then you go look at your father. And offer him what you can without offering your soul.

That's yours. Your sober beautiful soul.

Love ya Jeni.

Jeni26

I was just sitting here meditating and it came to me just how insane the whole thing is. My Dad is an alcoholic and the only reason he isn't drinking now is that morphine is running through his veins and he's no need to. He had his first bout of cancer 12 years ago...huge reconstructive facial surgery followed. The docs told him that it had been caused by his drinking and smoking and he continued to carry on doing both right through the chemo and radiotherapy. He couldn't eat and was fed via a gastrostomy for a long while but he carried on puffing those cigarettes. He has had COPD and frequent bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis. He had 5 more Grandchildren born to him (not by me) during that time, and they honestly adore him.

My own kids love him because they just see him as an eccentric mad old Grandad, and he's always been a bit off the wall. They have been protected from the violence and verbal assaults and have never had to live with him. My own 18 year old daughter cried in my arms when I told her the news about his prognosis.

Addiction is cruel. So cruel.

And the insanity of the way my mind deals with this...go get yourself a bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes...I mean really???

Jeni26

Thank you Ken...love you too x

Gilmer

Jeni, I am so sorry for the sense of betrayal you must feel by your father's deterioration and emotional regression. I am glad you have good, soul-nourishing diversions coming up with people you love.

That sweet, sweet vodka-nectar-of-the-gods that beckons to you at the end of the trials? It's just not what it's cracking itself up to be. If you give in, you will be so let down.

Gilmer

I know you feel an obligation to pull your weight with your mother and sister, but I agree with YoungTom--it just may be a time of life when your sister has to do 60 or 70 or maybe even 80% with your dad (I would suggest even more, but I know you would not permit that! ).

You need a good dose of serenity now. It would not come from alcohol--that would just muddle you. If it means withdrawing from your trigger (Dad), that's tough--but sometimes it has to be done.

Jeni26

Thank you. I guess I don't feel betrayed by my Dad..I feel betrayed by God. I understand my Dad is not responsible for this, it's the cancer which has worked it's way between us and forged a huge divide. I feel as sorry for my Dad as I do me..I could see the happiness that our new budding relationship was bringing him. It isn't fair that he's been cut off from that in his final weeks.

It has shaken my faith...and my addiction has seen a crack in which it can seep back in.

I cannot do less and I don't want to. My sister has 2 very young children and she can't expose them to him the way he is at the moment, so she can only visit in the evenings when her husband is home. I am currently not back at work until September so I can do everything else..and I'm honestly happy to do it. I feel less stressed now than when I was trying to juggle long days at work with being with him. And of course it's only temporary.

Maybe just shining a light on this fear of drinking will be enough to send it scuttling back to where it belongs. I certainly already feel stronger than I did when I first posted.

Thanks guys x

sugarbear1

sending love and hugs to you