Combakkid

So my ah and I took our kids camping for his days off to celebrate our youngest son's birthday. On the way out to the middle of nowhere his truck got a flat. He bought the truck a few months ago and I have nothing to do with it except drive it down the road to the grocery store. He was stressed out and proceeded to drink that first day until he passed out. Fast forward next morning, he is up early to go change the flat and realizes the dealership lied about a jack being in the truck. Then found out he needed a key to unlock the spare which he didn't have. He then proceeds to wake me up and totally go off on me on how this was all my fault and how I should have known the stuff was missing and it's because I don't like to spend money. He told me we were through and when we got home he was leaving. I didn't engage and just said that was fine and proceeded on with my day. Secretly I think I was relieved when he said he was leaving and for the first time I realized it was my choice if I wanted to stay or continue taking the verbal abuse. He ended up getting the tire fixed and started drinking to his success of the day and later told me he never said he was leaving and it was all in my head. 36 hours and 19 beers. I know it isn't healthy to count, but I use it for documentation only. Sorry it is kind of long, but had to share somewhere about my aggrevations. One day at a time. Glad tomorrow is a new day.

killerinstinct

Oh no you poor thing.. The insanity! I'm so sorry he's hurt you.. It's so hurtful what they say and it's horrible when you can't do much about it. How are you now??? Are you okay? What are you thinking of doing just leave him be or speak to him about things???

Combakkid

So far I think I am ok. I am hurt by what he said, but at the same time feel kind of free at realizing it is my choice if I choose to deal with this behavior or not. I think once he has completely sobered up I am planning on telling him that I do not know how much more of his yelling I am going to take and if it continues I don't want to continue. I have never in our married life threatened or hinted at leaving so hopefully he will take it seriously. Whether he listens or not is not on my control, but I want to make sure I do everything I can so if I do need to leave I know I have it everything I had. I hate the threatening and blame shifting that comes with alcoholism. My ds who is 9 stood up for me and told his dad you always do this to mom. You drink too much then yell at mom. It the same thing every time. I am proud of him for telling his dad how he felt, but sad he saw the pattern.

Santa

I love how these alcoholics always have to wake someone up to lay into - can't even wait until you get up to start a fight. My ex used to do that.

Don't expect anything you say to have a lasting effect even if he's sober. Whatever he promises will last only until the next time he's drunk. This is not a healthy dynamic for your kids, who it sounds like are now getting sucked into the cycle.

jmartin

Wow, sorry this is happening, but it does sound like you are doing pretty well under the circumstances!!

I would second what Santa said - don't expect or anticipate a positive reaction from him when you tell him. Make sure for yourself that this isn't about trying to "scare him straight" or make him "realize what is at stake." He will likely react badly to any threat to the status quo - expect more of the same attempts to blame and manipulate. If he EVER realizes what he has done, and accepts responsibility for it, that might not come until well into his recovery.

I had to learn the hard way that even when those words of acceptance did eventually come out of my AW's mouth, in seemingly sincere and sober moments, it all flew out the window in the blink of an eye with that first drop of alcohol. They become masters at placating, to defer or avoid consequences, to maintain the illusion that their drinking is just fine and/or get you to stop pestering.

So - for me - I ultimately had to accept that my mission in these kinds of conversations was merely to express the idea, to inform her of what I was thinking, and let her do with it what she will. I was not trying to elicit a response, a change in her behavior, or persuade her of anything, it was purely an FYI moment. No "is not - is so", no arguing, no pleading. Just "here is where I am at, just so you know." Sometimes, after some forethought, I would realize that my purpose was not to actually inform, but to try to get a response from her, and so I would stop myself, and rethink it so that it was NOT about me getting some kind of satisfaction from confronting her.

lillamy

That's how I thought about it, too. I felt like I had to know in my own mind that I had given my marriage everything. I will tell you that in my case, my ex laughed in my face when I said I would leave him if he didn't get help for his drinking. And when I left, he said I had never said a word about having a problem with his drinking.

The advice I got from my Al-Anon friends was "do what you feel you need to do to have peace in your own mind, and then keep your expectations low." I'll pass that on to you. (((hugs)))

Combakkid

Thank you all. I know he isn't going to stop drinking or change his behavior. Saying something to him is for my own benefit to help some of the guilt I know I will feel when it is time to leave him. For my own peace of mind, I want to feel like I have it my all before I walk away. I know it is coming soon, as for the first time when he said we were over and he was leaving, I felt relief. I hope that means I am getting stronger.

FireSprite

(((((hugs)))))) You are making great strides in your recovery!!! Hang in there!

ladyscribbler

Lol. I always wondered about that. I actually asked mine once if he could have his screaming tantrum later, as I had to get up in a couple of hours to take the kids to school. No dice.
But heaven forbid you fail to tiptoe around their passed out carcass and disturb the slumbering beast.

My last hurrah with my ex was also a camping trip with the kids. Nightmarish as it was, he somehow remembers it as an idyllic time, all of us communing with nature. Somehow he has completely blocked out the part where he forgot where he hid his liquor stash and threatened to kill all of us because he was sure we had hidden it from him. I was like "No, dumb@$$, you hid it from yourself."
Combakkid, you handled the camping drama way better than I did. Good luck.

isitme

I couldn't agree more on this.. My kids don't call about the drinking specifically but my son does call out other behaviors. Mostly the broken promises. It's so sad to see them hurting like that. My son is 5.

Combakkid

Ladyscribber the worst part was he made it sound like we were going to die even though there was traffic and construction a few miles from where we were. He had the nerve to say to me should we just bite the bullet and shoot everyone and myself now. I was like WTF that is not even an option. That has been the only time he has said something like that, but I was creeped out none the less. My exit plan is coming together but not there just yet. Although I do have an emergency plan if I need it. Sometimes I wonder if he heard the garbage that comes out of his mouth if it would make a difference to him.

Santa

A few weekends ago, a father in my state did just that. Shot his wife, three kids under the age of 12, and then himself. Both he and his wife were alcoholics. Her family had been trying to get her to leave but she couldn't bring herself to do it. That your AH is talking like that is extremely scary - you need to call a domestic violence hotline and get some support.

If the kids yelled or cried while I was trying to get them ready for school he would stomp to the bedroom door and slam it so hard the house would shake. Then go right back to sleep.

Combakkid

Santa that was a huge wake up call that his drinking is escalating. I have moved up my leaving plan and am taking steps to protect myself and my kids.