Kid advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
Kid advice
Hi, just voicing some thoughts.
I have been sober over a couple of years now and before that I never did my heavy drinking in front of the kids. Must say my life is soo much better.
My daughter is 11 and can barely recall me actually drinking. She is starting to be around it socially with our friends or sleepovers or going out for meals etc. She sees the fun excited atmosphere.
My wife has the odd glass of wine a week and it has come up a couple times why I never drink. She has intimated it is a bit boring and even that some of her schoolfriends parents drinks (the popular ones) and if we were friends with the parents then she would be with the kids.
All natural ,kids figuring out the world stuff but at this stage don't want to explain that I drank too much and had a big problem. That can come later.
My work requires me to be on call and alcohol free 5 days a week I get random tested (I deliberately took the job and it has been a saviour) so I just say its easier not to drink at all.
It really is a great problem to have but just wondering how other people explain stuff to their kids. We are also supporting Mum through study so I also say well if I drank Mum couldn't study and you wouldn't do all the fun stuff you do like fishing and camping etc.
Truth be told I get a bit sad inside that I have made such massive change and effort for my family and now my kids wants me to drink. Ironic hey. Also feeds into the "maybe I am OK and can drink now" voice. Not that I listen to it because I defnitely cant.
My girl is awesome but tends to love a little drama and I don't want to make alcohol a big thing but at some stage do want her to be aware of the role it could play in her life without demonizing it too much because I have a problem. I figure my actions will speak louder than words.
It can be frustrating that the kids don't get that this loving stable atmosphere they thrive in has been bloody hard won and certainly not something I grew up in. I guess that's the catch 22 of being good parents, the kids experience the ying and not the yang. I guess it becomes more obvious as they grow and experience more of the world ?
Sorry about the rant just getting some thoughts out. Like I said I would take this problem over my old ones any day of the week.
I have been sober over a couple of years now and before that I never did my heavy drinking in front of the kids. Must say my life is soo much better.
My daughter is 11 and can barely recall me actually drinking. She is starting to be around it socially with our friends or sleepovers or going out for meals etc. She sees the fun excited atmosphere.
My wife has the odd glass of wine a week and it has come up a couple times why I never drink. She has intimated it is a bit boring and even that some of her schoolfriends parents drinks (the popular ones) and if we were friends with the parents then she would be with the kids.
All natural ,kids figuring out the world stuff but at this stage don't want to explain that I drank too much and had a big problem. That can come later.
My work requires me to be on call and alcohol free 5 days a week I get random tested (I deliberately took the job and it has been a saviour) so I just say its easier not to drink at all.
It really is a great problem to have but just wondering how other people explain stuff to their kids. We are also supporting Mum through study so I also say well if I drank Mum couldn't study and you wouldn't do all the fun stuff you do like fishing and camping etc.
Truth be told I get a bit sad inside that I have made such massive change and effort for my family and now my kids wants me to drink. Ironic hey. Also feeds into the "maybe I am OK and can drink now" voice. Not that I listen to it because I defnitely cant.
My girl is awesome but tends to love a little drama and I don't want to make alcohol a big thing but at some stage do want her to be aware of the role it could play in her life without demonizing it too much because I have a problem. I figure my actions will speak louder than words.
It can be frustrating that the kids don't get that this loving stable atmosphere they thrive in has been bloody hard won and certainly not something I grew up in. I guess that's the catch 22 of being good parents, the kids experience the ying and not the yang. I guess it becomes more obvious as they grow and experience more of the world ?
Sorry about the rant just getting some thoughts out. Like I said I would take this problem over my old ones any day of the week.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi. I've been reconsidering how to talk with DS about his father's alcoholism. He's 9 now, but was 3 when we left. He doesn't remember what living with his father was like; he says he doesn't remember our discussions about Dad being an alcoholic, just the books about alcoholism.
IDK, I think for now, I'll leave it as just general discussions about alcoholism and addiction whenever it comes up. (Lately related to all the summer-time 'fun' ads that feature drinking.) He's not ready to apply it to his father, who he hasnt seen in over 2 years, yet. When he's older and wants to talk about his dad, we can talk specifics then.
Maybe a similar approach with your DD might be a good way to start?
IDK, I think for now, I'll leave it as just general discussions about alcoholism and addiction whenever it comes up. (Lately related to all the summer-time 'fun' ads that feature drinking.) He's not ready to apply it to his father, who he hasnt seen in over 2 years, yet. When he's older and wants to talk about his dad, we can talk specifics then.
Maybe a similar approach with your DD might be a good way to start?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Just tell the truth without dancing around it with complicated explanations. Kids want clear honest answers. As in: I don't drink because I'm an alcoholic. What's that? That's a thing that happens to some people where they can't stop drinking alcohol once they start. So they have to not start.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have two DD's, ages 8 and 14. I have been very honest bc when i covered up the issue for my X, i could see the anger that created in both of them. I also feel my 14 yr old needs to know its not just fun and games bc children of alcoholics are more prone to it by genetics already. Good luck to you!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I recently talked to my 14 yo about it, I explained that I used it to soften stress and that I could not stop at one. He equated that to some food he loved and that was basically that. Just say the truth, you don't have an off button.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I agree with being truthful and keeping it simple.
'Some people can't stop at one drink. I am one of those people so I choose to not drink at all.'
If she asks follow up questions provide basic, simple, truthful answers and go from there. She sounds smart and astute so being upfront is a way to prevent her from making up answers in her head. The answers that dramatic pre-teens can make up in their head are generally worse than the truth.
My kids don't ask anything ever - which is even harder in some ways. I just talk at them but am never sure if I'm giving to much or not enough info.
ETA: I wanted to say congrats on recovery. There are not adequate words for the gift that is for your daughter. She may not understand the magnitude of that gift but that is another kind of blessing.
'Some people can't stop at one drink. I am one of those people so I choose to not drink at all.'
If she asks follow up questions provide basic, simple, truthful answers and go from there. She sounds smart and astute so being upfront is a way to prevent her from making up answers in her head. The answers that dramatic pre-teens can make up in their head are generally worse than the truth.
My kids don't ask anything ever - which is even harder in some ways. I just talk at them but am never sure if I'm giving to much or not enough info.
ETA: I wanted to say congrats on recovery. There are not adequate words for the gift that is for your daughter. She may not understand the magnitude of that gift but that is another kind of blessing.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Kids take life and parents as they come. By all means explain if you want to, but I personally would leave it at 'I don't drink'.
As for social pressure from them to drink; it's your duty to be daggy and embarrass them socially. Actually if you really want to embarrass them, start drinking.
As for social pressure from them to drink; it's your duty to be daggy and embarrass them socially. Actually if you really want to embarrass them, start drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
We do truth in our house too - DD is 10, but has been going through the paces of recovery with both RAH & I (I am recovering Codie 
) for about 5 yrs now. She wasn't exposed the way a lot of kids were but even at 5yo I was astonished to find out how much she was already aware of. I found that when I soft-shoed my answers she found it insulting & confusing & it made her distrust ME as a result. So we've done truth in age-appropriate-speak to her 100% of the way instead.
But the conversation doesn't just stop there - we talk about dad's recovery & addiction & how he attends meetings & likely will for the rest of the foreseeable future. We talk about how addiction is so much more than chemicals like alcohol & drugs but also food, gambling, etc. We talk about the physiology behind it & the psychology that drives it. We talk about my Codie issues having been raised as an ACoA & how we can change the way she manages the same dynamic by all of us being more open & aware. The best part is that she will come to me with ANY question because she knows I'll answer it honestly. When I swallow my pride & show her humility it teaches her the value of being humble, IMO. No one WANTS to have these conversations with our kids, but I'd rather have her respect than her distrust.
Good luck however you decide to handle it & congrats on your own sobriety!
) for about 5 yrs now. She wasn't exposed the way a lot of kids were but even at 5yo I was astonished to find out how much she was already aware of. I found that when I soft-shoed my answers she found it insulting & confusing & it made her distrust ME as a result. So we've done truth in age-appropriate-speak to her 100% of the way instead.But the conversation doesn't just stop there - we talk about dad's recovery & addiction & how he attends meetings & likely will for the rest of the foreseeable future. We talk about how addiction is so much more than chemicals like alcohol & drugs but also food, gambling, etc. We talk about the physiology behind it & the psychology that drives it. We talk about my Codie issues having been raised as an ACoA & how we can change the way she manages the same dynamic by all of us being more open & aware. The best part is that she will come to me with ANY question because she knows I'll answer it honestly. When I swallow my pride & show her humility it teaches her the value of being humble, IMO. No one WANTS to have these conversations with our kids, but I'd rather have her respect than her distrust.
Good luck however you decide to handle it & congrats on your own sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I like Santa's simple explanation. And I think if more people were upfront and honest about alcoholism, we might manage to raise a generation where alcoholism isn't seen as a character defect anymore.
My kids, unfortunately, saw the worst of what alcoholism can do. The youngest two have no memory of their father ever being nice, fun, and caring -- the way he was with the oldest one. To them, my ex is *just* a drunk, a person they have no respect for.
It's disturbing to me, though, that an 11-year-old girl feels like her father is "boring" for not drinking. Nothing against her, but what does it say about our culture that not fumbling around drunk equals "boring"??? I know after I left AXH, I deliberately stayed away from contexts where people drink for that exact reason -- I don't think drunks are fun, I don't think drinking adds anything, and I wanted to show the kids another side of life than they got from their father.
Maybe you could also use the discussion about alcoholism and drinking as an opportunity to talk to her about how it's not just OK, but actually a good thing, to not do what everyone else does, to dare listen to yourself and be different if that's better for you? She may not be a teenager yet, but she might still be able to relate emotionally to "dad is a rebel, he doesn't do what everyone else does"?
My kids, unfortunately, saw the worst of what alcoholism can do. The youngest two have no memory of their father ever being nice, fun, and caring -- the way he was with the oldest one. To them, my ex is *just* a drunk, a person they have no respect for.
It's disturbing to me, though, that an 11-year-old girl feels like her father is "boring" for not drinking. Nothing against her, but what does it say about our culture that not fumbling around drunk equals "boring"??? I know after I left AXH, I deliberately stayed away from contexts where people drink for that exact reason -- I don't think drunks are fun, I don't think drinking adds anything, and I wanted to show the kids another side of life than they got from their father.
Maybe you could also use the discussion about alcoholism and drinking as an opportunity to talk to her about how it's not just OK, but actually a good thing, to not do what everyone else does, to dare listen to yourself and be different if that's better for you? She may not be a teenager yet, but she might still be able to relate emotionally to "dad is a rebel, he doesn't do what everyone else does"?
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