One text and I fall apart!!

Old 08-06-2014, 12:45 PM
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One text and I fall apart!!

Today would have been day 4 of no contact but he texted me, telling me he was taking dd out for dinner and some other stuff about cigarettes as dd is going on holidays. Anyway he has never let me know before when he has made arrangements with the kids I usually find out on the day when the kids tell me so don't know why he was telling me today. I replied to his text and a few more were exchanged but nothing about us. The thing is when the text came through and I saw it was him I burst into tears and I haven't been able to stop since. I told him that I can't have contact unless it's about the kids as I end up asking questions that he can't answer so when you want to talk we can arrange to meet up! But I couldn't leave it there so I texted again and have asked 3 questions one of which was whether he wanted to meet up but of course he didn't. So I launch into how it's not that I don't want to see him as I do but he needs time to figure this out as do I and I need to accept out marriage is over but at the end I said you know where I am, clearly giving him the message that I'm here when ever he decides. I don't know is this codie behaviour??

I know I shouldn't have replied but I find it really difficult to not and when I do to keep it about the original text. I seem to be ok about not making first contact as I have wanted to the last few days but haven't.

I had my 2nd counselling session last night and she was asking me about what love meant to me and I honestly couldn't answer, I don't know what love is I would have said to myself that my H made me feel safe, secure, loved, happy, that I can be myself around him, that I would have felt this intense feeling of happiness or feelings of love when with him at times and he accepts me for who I am faults and all, which I have many. but with recent events I have questioned all of this. How could I have felt safe and secure when he left on previous occasions to drink, when he rarely considered my thoughts and feelings about his drinking, how my anxiety about things and wanting him to stop drinking, associating with horrible people was unfair and if he did what I asked him I would think he only did it because I asked him to and not because he wanted to!!

I did/do need help with my anxiety and depression and I sought help but in the end things only changed when he was ready for them to change not because he was doing it for me!!!! Was I telling myself I felt safe & secure with him to fool myself to convince myself that I was happy? Was my depression so bad at times because of everything going on in the home and because I was ignoring my feelings and pushing on. I know that my depression and anxiety were difficult for him to cope with as he said he always felt it was his fault and there were times I couldn't bear to be around him and due to my anxiety about him leaving I constantly sought reassurance and became extremely paranoid at times, so I know it was hard for him. Did I push him away, drive him to drink? No his addiction was well established before he met me!!

I acknowledged last night that many of the things I did for him was to the detriment of my own health as I wanted him to be happy to relieve his stress and so on! I put his needs before mine many times.

Did I think deep down in myself that he loved me so much that if he did leave he would always come back? I think at times I did think that. He would tells me he loves me more than anything and couldn't live without me so it must be true and I was the type of person where I needed to hear how he felt, now I know that actions speak louder than words!

How could I be myself around him when I no longer knew who I was and felt that opinions didn't matter because if he didn't agree or want to do what I suggested it didn't happen?

I feel lost and I'm fed up with putting on a front in front of everyone so they think I'm ok, I'm honest with friends but in work or with the kids I feel that I wear a mask!! I'm also fed up with feeling lost and empty I don't know which direction I'm going in

Sorry for the long post and thank you for letting me get everything out of my head and written down.
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Old 08-06-2014, 12:59 PM
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Hi Butterfly.. writing is a form of purging the Soul.. clearing the mind and heart and trying to find your center... write kiddo sing your song for the world to hear.. and this is a huge part of the World and all of us here are listening.. hugs a Mom...
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Old 08-06-2014, 01:02 PM
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think of No Contact as a big protective force field around you. every time you BREAK it, you let all the iggly squigglys in.

he did exactly as you asked...contacted you specifically about the children and nothing more. the rest was self created. now that is actually a good thing, because it means he is not disrepsecting your boundaries...you are and that means you have the power to CHANGE THAT.

let's take the focus off of him and off of the contact. i think your counselor asked you a very VERY important question - what does love look like to you? sometimes the way to get to the answer is start with the opposite...what love is NOT.

do some homework. write this stuff out. get it OUT of your head.
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Old 08-06-2014, 01:16 PM
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Butterfly I'm sending you a big hug and I'm sorry you are struggling so badly right now. You are stronger than you think. I hear a strong person behind your words.

I engaged allll day today with my soon to be ex supposedly recovered husband. I don't know what got into me but I couldn't stop myself from responding and getting in the mud with him. We will both do better tomorrow. Or right now. We can always start fresh this minute.
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Old 08-06-2014, 01:32 PM
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Thank you everyone. Anvil you are right I disrespected my own boundary but getting back on the roller coaster and asking questions that I know he can't answer!! What love is not is an easy one lol.

Ardy I find it really therapeutic writing it all out sometimes I just need to get it out of my head to try and make sense of what's going on in my head!!

Meggem I'm sorry you have also had a difficult day, sending you hugs also. Yes let's start fresh right now!!
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Old 08-06-2014, 03:02 PM
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shhh, nobody tell her she's sort of starting step one!!!
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Old 08-07-2014, 04:19 AM
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I know I am back to starting step one!!
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Old 08-07-2014, 06:06 AM
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So my dear Butterfly;
No Contact means No Contact.

Here are some suggestions for the upcoming weekend:

Make some plans with your girlfriends for Friday or Saturday night.

Do something nice for yourself today, and each day.

Take you daughter out to lunch on Sunday.

Beach laps anytime you are brooding or tempted to contact him.
I'm going to enforce this so watch out!
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Old 08-07-2014, 03:00 PM
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Thanks hawkeye tonight I went out with a friend to the cinema then for coffee it's was relaxing and good fun and know what there were times I didn't think about him at all. I think this is the first time ever where he hasn't been on my mind constantly.

Don't have much arranged for the weekend as I am taking my daughter to the airport as she goes on holiday and I have work to complete. Sunday my son & I will watch a movie and relax.

But I will have plenty of time for laps on the beach hawkeye and I will definitely have to with you enforcing it lol.

I know no contact means no contact and I told him yesterday only contact about the kids from now on although I think I will have to be clearer as he texted me several times today asking questions that he could have asked my daughter. My responses were just ok or I don't know, ask DD I think he got the message as the texts stopped at lunch time!!


Thank you
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Old 08-07-2014, 05:58 PM
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no contact is on YOU too hon. if his texts are NOT about the KIDS you do not answer. it's like spam or robocalls.
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Old 08-08-2014, 02:21 PM
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I know anvil, I'm struggling with the no contact but I do know that having contact I end up talking about the current situation and wanting him to sort himself out so he can come home BUT I can't control what is happening for him and his addiction I can only control how I respond, how I manage my feelings and emotions. I have to keep telling myself focus on the kids and yourself!! He's made his choice I have to let him get on with it and deal with the consequences of his choice!!
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Old 08-08-2014, 02:55 PM
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i kow it's tough, but you're tougher. or you will PRETEND to be til you truly are!

do you REALLY want him home? the man who walked out on you? obviously i have a bias here, but it seems to me that if lets say by some miracle he does decide to quit the booze FOR GOOD and get's with the program and you let him waltz back in - isn't that kind of....i don't know...giving a vote of approval or consent to what he did?

this is more rhetorical i think....when my first ex left - i was 24? 25? with a baby on my shoulder. and from the moment he drove off with that laundry basket full of clothes, there was no way on God's green earth he was ever coming back. not that he did a whole lot of begging....but i do recall a few months later, by this time i'm living in my mom's basement, quit my job (we worked together), etc and he and i are talking, probalby arranging kid stuff, and he said...ya know tess, sometimes i just want to call you to come get me cuz i think i made a big mistake. mind you by this time he's living with MY former best friend. and i sighed and said, sorry, it's too late.
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Old 08-08-2014, 03:46 PM
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Would I love him to get help and be sober and for him to come home and for us to work through all the difficulties we have had....yes I would he's my H and we have been together 18 years and he was kind, thoughtful, sweet and loving at times, the real him I like to think. maybe I'm delusional and that was all just a front and he pretended to be that person deep down but the addiction took over and he became someone I didn't know or maybe it was all a lie and he pretended to be that person for whatever reason. I don't know and that's the problem with addiction I don't know what was real or manipulation and lies

Do I think that he will get help and seek sobriety, that he will come home and we will work through our difficulties......no I don't. He will never put in the hard work as he always took the easy options.

Will I take him back if he seeks sobriety.....I honestly don't know, yes I would love it all to work out but that an ideal world I don't know if I ever could take him back, how could I ever trust him again, feel safe and secure in my marriage again I don't think I could but of course it's not that he wants to come back or has even made an effort to get help.

He read some of the information I sent him about recovery that doesn't require groups or counselling, I can't remember what it's called, I read about it here. Ut he was drinking when he read it, sure that's no use to him!!

I'm very conflicted about how I feel, I still need to take it one day at a time and try to understand my own feelings and what it want for my own life and figure out who I am, as it have no idea and stop worrying, thinking and driving myself mad wondering what he will decide to do, what he's doing now and many more obsessional thoughts my mind comes up with!!
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Old 08-09-2014, 08:20 AM
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Day 2 of no contact and dd has just come home from calling into see her dad who was still in bed at 2pm after a heavy night drinking apparently he went out with work and the smell of drink in the room was overpowering apparently!!

So I was feeling great today until this news now I'm annoyed he's out having the time of his life while I'm at home looking after the kids he has no responsibilities at all obviously has the money to go out but tells me and the kids he's skint!!! Arghhhhh here's the thing I don't want to be out drinking but it would be nice to be able to go out sometimes and afford it it annoys me that he really is living the single life!!! I was having such a good day until this.

DD is going away on holiday tomorrow and I know she will be in contact with me regularly and he will expect me to keep him updated about her if she ok etc but I'm not sure I should, not out of spite but dd is 20 and if she wants to make contact with him she can or if he wants to know if she's ok he could contact her? Obviously if something serious happens I will tell him but should I be telling him every time she contacts me that she is ok????
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Old 08-09-2014, 08:38 AM
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Sorry the point I was trying to make is why does this bother me so much and how can I stop it from ruining my day!!
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Old 08-09-2014, 08:56 AM
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Butterfly....I say, with compassion, that you have not, yet, fully accepted the reality of what is going on. I understand how hard it is to accept---and,it usually comes in increments, at first. As of right now, you are fighting reality very hard.
This is pretty typical.
I believe that you will accept it in time...you just are not there...yet.

Your daughter should have her own relationship with her father (for better or worse) without you moderating it from the middle. Just step out..she is a young adult...she can handle it from here on out. You are not helping anyone, at this point. It will be o.k.!

The longer you stay no contact with him...the easier it will be to detach from the relationship with him. Detachment is meant to stop your suffering.

Make no mistake--he is not enjoying a bachelor, single life! He is a man in the throes of destruction by alcoholism. He is not carefree and happy. But you have no control over that. He is not capable of having his family, and he is not capable of happiness without his family.
Trust me....you would not want to be in his shoes. He may not survive this.
But, you can; your daughter can.

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Old 08-09-2014, 09:24 AM
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As always dandylion you are right I struggle with accepting his choices and refusal to seek help and I feel lost and powerless. There are days where I say to myself you have no control over his choices and actions only your own and days where I worry so much about him. I know I can't fix this and I have to focus on my own recovery but it's exhausting putting on a brave face all the time pretending that everything is fine. I come home from work sort the kids and the house then sit and stare at the walls I don't even have the interest to watch TV lol

I suppose it's his expectation that I will keep him updated as he won't think about contacting her esp if he knows she will be in contact with me. I don't feel I should have to keep him updated that she is ok but I feel selfish saying that.

I know your right about the no contact and I am more focused for some reason it's easier this time and I think with time it will become easier and easier to accept this.

I do feel sorry for him he is missing out on so much with the kids even the day to day things like talking over dinner about what they've been up to saying good night to them. I know I can't control the destruction his addiction is causing and at the minute I am not sure he will survive it and that saddens me it's as if he has given up!!

Thanks dandylion
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Old 08-09-2014, 09:25 AM
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It feels that I take one step forward and 10 steps back in my recovery at times
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Old 08-09-2014, 10:03 AM
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Butterfly, when I was down on myself here because I had made much progress then had a rough patch, somebody told me that recovery is not linear. You may fall down but get back up and keep going. You cant cultivate his relationship with your daughter. I know as the mother you want the best for your daughter but unfortunately her dad is an A and eventually she will have to deal with it. There is no shielding her from that no matter how much your heart would like to. I feel that way about DD6 right now. I used to try and make the relationship good but the truth is that is not my responsibility. I will not interfere in it in any way, for the positive or the negative. I have to stay in my lane.
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Old 08-09-2014, 10:23 AM
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It can be so hard not to get into those upsetting text exchanges. I've done it with my friend with the AGF, thinking all the while to myself, JUST STOP IT!

I've gotten better at simply not answering him if he texts something we are certain to argue about. It really helps (me, not his situation) to just Not. Answer.

So you slipped and engaged in the type of contact that is upsetting, it's okay, we all do. You just start again.
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