Friendship after alcoholism
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Friendship after alcoholism
I'm putting this on here in hopes that maybe I can get some feedback. When I start to feel sorry for myself it's a dangerous place for me to be and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself today.
I'll try to keep it short. I don't have any good friends where I live and my family all lives in another state. Other than having my husband I feel completely alone in this huge city. I moved here 4 years ago and I feel like I have made some efforts to make friends and have failed. I manage to make short term friends wherever I go easily. I get along with people very well. But it never progresses beyond that and what I need is a real, good, loyal friend.
I have had to turn down a couple invitations to hang out because it was for things like "Wine Wednesday". The last time I went to a party I was really pressured to drink and it didn't work out very well for me.
Even in AA I felt like I was constantly reaching out to people and they just didn't seem interested. I went through 3 sponsors. I called them. I made an effort to hang out. And if I didn't call them they didn't call me and that was it. Most of the time people just didn't answer their phone.
Obviously the common denominator here is me. Maybe I'm asking for too much, I don't know. But I really want someone to just lean on here and I would be willing to give back. I just want someone to call me to get together or make an effort to get to know me. When my husband is out of town I'm all alone. I have no where to go. I get that I'm a stay at home mom and maybe it's a little harder for me to make friends, but when I joined the "mom's who want to make friends" group on Facebook and attended every playdate that I could... I still don't have any friends. I don't think I'm a mean person. Is it possible that I'm TOO nice? Am I looking in the wrong places? I hardly even talk about myself around people, I try to give them attention and I try to genuinely compliment them.
I have always had a much easier time making friends with men, but that just isn't something that jives with my husband very well anymore so that's unfortunately 50% of the population.
I feel like the 40yr Old Virgin right now in regards to making friends. It just isn't happening! I had an easier time finding a date. Anyone else ever experience this? I used to just drink these problems away, but that isn't an option anymore. My best friend alcohol turned it's back on me. So now what? I'm tempted to just throw in the towel and accept that I'm a loner like I did before, but that isn't what I really want to do...
I'll try to keep it short. I don't have any good friends where I live and my family all lives in another state. Other than having my husband I feel completely alone in this huge city. I moved here 4 years ago and I feel like I have made some efforts to make friends and have failed. I manage to make short term friends wherever I go easily. I get along with people very well. But it never progresses beyond that and what I need is a real, good, loyal friend.
I have had to turn down a couple invitations to hang out because it was for things like "Wine Wednesday". The last time I went to a party I was really pressured to drink and it didn't work out very well for me.
Even in AA I felt like I was constantly reaching out to people and they just didn't seem interested. I went through 3 sponsors. I called them. I made an effort to hang out. And if I didn't call them they didn't call me and that was it. Most of the time people just didn't answer their phone.
Obviously the common denominator here is me. Maybe I'm asking for too much, I don't know. But I really want someone to just lean on here and I would be willing to give back. I just want someone to call me to get together or make an effort to get to know me. When my husband is out of town I'm all alone. I have no where to go. I get that I'm a stay at home mom and maybe it's a little harder for me to make friends, but when I joined the "mom's who want to make friends" group on Facebook and attended every playdate that I could... I still don't have any friends. I don't think I'm a mean person. Is it possible that I'm TOO nice? Am I looking in the wrong places? I hardly even talk about myself around people, I try to give them attention and I try to genuinely compliment them.
I have always had a much easier time making friends with men, but that just isn't something that jives with my husband very well anymore so that's unfortunately 50% of the population.
I feel like the 40yr Old Virgin right now in regards to making friends. It just isn't happening! I had an easier time finding a date. Anyone else ever experience this? I used to just drink these problems away, but that isn't an option anymore. My best friend alcohol turned it's back on me. So now what? I'm tempted to just throw in the towel and accept that I'm a loner like I did before, but that isn't what I really want to do...
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Have you looked into "active" groups. Like hiking groups, or biking groups, or something along those lines? People who usually get outdoors and workout are less likely to drink... or at least less of their lives revolve around drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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When I got Sober I realised I didn't have too many "close friends", when all the drinking buddies fell by the wayside I wasn't left with much.
I then realised it's gonna take time to build my new Sober life, and that includes a few new friends, as already mentioned there are loads of things to get involved in out there, new activities, things I never got involved in as I was always too hungover, but Saturday and Sunday mornings now have so much potential in them, plenty of time to try new things!!
. . . and with new activities, comes new people with common interests!!
I then realised it's gonna take time to build my new Sober life, and that includes a few new friends, as already mentioned there are loads of things to get involved in out there, new activities, things I never got involved in as I was always too hungover, but Saturday and Sunday mornings now have so much potential in them, plenty of time to try new things!!
. . . and with new activities, comes new people with common interests!!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Originally Posted by Lulupalooza 
That's a good idea, jryan. I do like to get outdoors. I go for a walk with my baby every morning.
And if you go to someone's house that you meet at one of these things, and there is alcohol, then you shouldnt feel pressured to drink. Just say that you have to drink home a long way and dont want to risk it with your kid in the car. Most reasonable parents will certainly understand that!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
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Hi. If you attend AA I’d suggest joining an active group and participating by becoming active yourself if you haven’t yet. Setting up the meeting and cleaning up afterwards is a great beginning. Going on commitments and speaking is so beneficial and soon will open you to perhaps what you may be looking for if you partake with the givers.
I don’t know if your area has commitments to jails but it’s a great way to give back to others and you can get far more in return. As a side note about 80% of those in jails are there as a result of something to do with alcohol or drugs so many are like you or I. We are the lucky ones able to leave.
BE WELL
I don’t know if your area has commitments to jails but it’s a great way to give back to others and you can get far more in return. As a side note about 80% of those in jails are there as a result of something to do with alcohol or drugs so many are like you or I. We are the lucky ones able to leave.
BE WELL
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm not that great at making friends either. Then the ones who want to be the leader in friendship are usually serious codies. 
Not that there's anything wrong with codies, been there done that got the tee shirt - it's just I can't keep up with their caretaking, it's not in my nature any more. I'm not much of a planner and event organizer.
I know that I have to actually plan stuff and call them and ask them to do stuff...but I don't.
Have you tried meetups.com?
Not that there's anything wrong with codies, been there done that got the tee shirt - it's just I can't keep up with their caretaking, it's not in my nature any more. I'm not much of a planner and event organizer.I know that I have to actually plan stuff and call them and ask them to do stuff...but I don't.
Have you tried meetups.com?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
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^^ Was just going to suggest that ...There are lots of sober meetup groups. Also I would suggest volunteering.....I like the idea of active groups. I've made a lot of new friends in my yoga class. Where I live there are kayaking clubs, and book clubs, and sailing clubs. I would just see what's available in your area and go for it. Try anything.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Hi Lulu. While reading your post I almost felt as though I could have written it......I face many of the same challenges: family out of state, husband who works all the time and travels frequently for business, drowned it all in alcohol.
It is exacerbated by the fact that I am very shy by nature, introverted and uncomfortable in groups. I too have tried to make friends unsuccessfully. I think part of it was that when I was drinking my judgement about people was a little skewed; I think I may have chosen the wrong people to try to befriend.
After thinking about it for a long time I remembered an old saying my grandmother used to tell me: "in order to have friends you have to BE a friend." Speaking for myself I think it is part of the problem. I know I'm a good person and I care about people, but I also think I may be a little selfish. I often wonder if I really know how to be a friend. I think this is a big part of the issue for me.
No advice, just thought I would share my perspective. Maybe it may help.
All in all, be grateful for your husband and baby; cherish them and above all keep trying!
B
It is exacerbated by the fact that I am very shy by nature, introverted and uncomfortable in groups. I too have tried to make friends unsuccessfully. I think part of it was that when I was drinking my judgement about people was a little skewed; I think I may have chosen the wrong people to try to befriend.
After thinking about it for a long time I remembered an old saying my grandmother used to tell me: "in order to have friends you have to BE a friend." Speaking for myself I think it is part of the problem. I know I'm a good person and I care about people, but I also think I may be a little selfish. I often wonder if I really know how to be a friend. I think this is a big part of the issue for me.
No advice, just thought I would share my perspective. Maybe it may help.
All in all, be grateful for your husband and baby; cherish them and above all keep trying!
B
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
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I did a volunteer thing for a while at my local women's shelter and met some women there. I'd recommend that. We never became much more than good acquaintances, but then again I did get busy with my life and quit going so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Lulupalooza
That's a good idea, jryan. I do like to get outdoors. I go for a walk with my baby every morning.
We met at a baby group when our babies were 3 months old.
They are now all going to be turning 5 years old.
Although I had not totally given up drinking then, I was not known as a drinker.
So it was a bit like friends with a clean slate for me!
When our kids were young we got together for company during the day. Evenings were bath time and bed time and night feeds.
So there was not the opportunity to drink.
Now as they have got older, we still meet. Its nice as our children go play and we all talk and catch up, but it is never a big boozy evening etc etc. Drink is rarely involved.
One of my best friends from the group gave up drinking when she was 19 years old. She is 40 now! So our friendship could not be more perfect.
I don't know how old your little one is but is there any classes you could join or courses where you might meet other mums?
I'm in the UK but we have lots of stuff like baby massage groups, swimming, baby signing, exercise classes that you do with your baby in your buggy, singing classes. The list is endless.
I understand how you feel.
I feel lonely at times.
My friends ask me to go out for cocktails, for drinks and I always say no.
But I have to be honest in that I prefer my life drama free from alcohol with the few friends I have as opposed to drunken nights out.
Heck, I have friends and colleagues I still avoid because I am ashamed of my past exploits.
It would be great to hear how you get on?
Wishing you the best xxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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In AA I would never expect to "hang out" or be "friends" with my sponsor. This is not a friendship, it is more like a teacher/student relationship. That may develop but you should have zero expectations of this IMHO.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by Taking5
In AA I would never expect to "hang out" or be "friends" with my sponsor. This is not a friendship, it is more like a teacher/student relationship. That may develop but you should have zero expectations of this IMHO.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 554
I share your sentiments. I'm in a new town, nearest relative 115 miles away. Husband works out of area/country for 2 months at a time, I can go weeks where my only adult interaction is with the grocery store cashier and the receptionist at a school or the doctor. You know when I have lunch with my elementary schooler 3-5x a week, I'm pretty desperate for company. The best I can do is weekly I have a 1-2 hour chat with a friend from 1,000 miles away. It helps, we laugh a lot. I'm thinking of taking on a bigger role in our cub/boy scout pack. It seems the adults there are pretty friendly with one another and many have turned into genuine friendships. I'm 49, its not easy is it?
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
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I can relate, but I've taken the perspective of the banished baboon. I heard a story years ago about a baboon that was banished from his clan. He wandered the savanna looking for new family or friends, but when he approached others they either ran away or attacked. Having grown frustrated and wary, he continued on, and the next time he saw a group of baboons he didn't approach, but he didn't leave, either. He kept his distance and just kind of did his thing, close enough that others knew he was there, but far enough as to not be threatening. Eventually, members of the group became curious and approached him. In time he was invited to participate and eventually became a member of the new clan.
I feel I've been banished from my old drinking clan. It's like I'm a stranger to them now. They don't call. They don't care. (Other than one friend, but he moved 600 miles away.)
When I meet new people I don't want to seem needy or threatening, so I kind of keep my distance.
The thing is, though...people aren't baboons.
All of the above would be worth contemplating and worth considering except that people for the most part just aren't curious about who I am or what I'm about. So, my one friend is 600 miles away and nothing has changed.
Of course, I'm only seven months sober.
I guess the point is that I have no point other than I'm kind of lonely, too. I'm working on being a better me. Good friendships have been few and far between in my life. Truthfully, I've had two good friends in the past decade. One moved away and then drank himself to death. The other moved away and I'm afraid he's not taking very good care of himself, either.
Now, isn't this just the most inspiring post you've ever read?
The odd thing, though, is that I'm okay with it right now. I'm working on myself and if others come along and want to spend some time... so be it I guess...
I feel I've been banished from my old drinking clan. It's like I'm a stranger to them now. They don't call. They don't care. (Other than one friend, but he moved 600 miles away.)
When I meet new people I don't want to seem needy or threatening, so I kind of keep my distance.
The thing is, though...people aren't baboons.
All of the above would be worth contemplating and worth considering except that people for the most part just aren't curious about who I am or what I'm about. So, my one friend is 600 miles away and nothing has changed.
Of course, I'm only seven months sober.
I guess the point is that I have no point other than I'm kind of lonely, too. I'm working on being a better me. Good friendships have been few and far between in my life. Truthfully, I've had two good friends in the past decade. One moved away and then drank himself to death. The other moved away and I'm afraid he's not taking very good care of himself, either.
Now, isn't this just the most inspiring post you've ever read?
The odd thing, though, is that I'm okay with it right now. I'm working on myself and if others come along and want to spend some time... so be it I guess...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Zero, great point, I think, about the baboon behavior. It actually is an inspiring post, to me anyway
I've always heard to do what interests you... absorb yourself in your own hobbies and interests and you will gravitate toward others who do the same. And above all, to be a friend to someone in need.
I've always heard to do what interests you... absorb yourself in your own hobbies and interests and you will gravitate toward others who do the same. And above all, to be a friend to someone in need.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Like Jennie - volunteering helped me. I didn't make any life long buddies but I did make friends and I learned how to interact with people sober again.
I also learned that you can't try to make friends - it's a natural process. You seem likeable and friendly to me, you seem to have friends here...it doesn't have to be any harder than that.
Just be you
D
I also learned that you can't try to make friends - it's a natural process. You seem likeable and friendly to me, you seem to have friends here...it doesn't have to be any harder than that.
Just be you
D
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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You're all absolutely right. Zero, your post was actually very inspirational. I love the story about the banished baboon!
I think I need to just chill out a little bit. I'll just be myself and do my own thing. I'll still continue to try to meet people, but I'm not going to try to force anything. Thank you all for your wonderful advice!
And thank you new star. You're a very sweet and caring person. I appreciate you reaching out to me
I think I need to just chill out a little bit. I'll just be myself and do my own thing. I'll still continue to try to meet people, but I'm not going to try to force anything. Thank you all for your wonderful advice!
And thank you new star. You're a very sweet and caring person. I appreciate you reaching out to me
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