Day 26, hubby issues
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
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Day 26, hubby issues
Well, I will have to deal with the husband issues. I think we will need to see a therapist. I told him this morning when I realized, it wasn't just the kids, it was him, he is a trigger.
He is a neat freak. Not quite OCD, but borderline. I mean, I have zero qualifications to say that but I've said that to him before in jest. He doesn't go around wiping door knobs but yesterday he was organizing things in the kitchen, I said please stop.
I actually said, now that I am cleaning more you are going to run out of things to clean and then what are you going to do?
And this morning, he was doing laundry and in a way to express displeasure. Like walking loudly and sighing heavily. He has this drawer, now sorry, we've been together for 7 years and I never knew what he was doing. So I asked him this morning. Turns out, it's his dirty laundry. Which is weird because he insists everyone put dirty clothes directly in the washer. No hampers. So this morning he says "it's kinda like a hamper and I do it because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done." I said "well how can I even do it, if I don't know it's there because it's in a drawer."
And I added that I can tell when he's unhappy about something and he needs to just talk to me and stop stomping around and exhaling loudly. I said, I get it when you do this you are unhappy about something but I don't know what it is. I'm not a mind reader.
So I just read some of my old posts because sometimes I get embarrassed about my posts and then I don't want to look at the responses. I was so happy that it was all positive and constructive criticism. Sometimes I feel I overshare and then get embarrassed. You guys have heard more about my life than people actually in my life, it feels weird.
Someone suggested Al-Anon and I think that would be a great idea. I think he wants to talk it out. See, I am almost worried, because I will be hearing the past from someone who was sober, that it was worst than what I remember. I know I never cheated or got drunk in a bar. I did my drinking mainly at home. There were times I took booze with me but I never went to a bar, never drank with anyone. In the past, about 2 years, I have not taken booze out with me and by out with me, I mean in a coffee mug, poured in an empty diet pepsi can or mixed with diet pepsi.
But I might have to hear about how bad a mom or wife I was. He said this morning he's had to do everything for a long time. I'm sure he has. But he holds everything in and then periodically will explode and I hate that and I told him that. I said if we need to see a therapist that's fine because I live in fear of your explosions.
He's usually apologetic the next day but the cause was probably all the pressure of carrying so much weight, which was my fault. So then it's weird that he was apologizing.
It's weird because he grew up in a pretty normal household and didn't want for anything and did well in school...so I've never understood his inferiority complex. I think he's said he would have preferred to be the popular jock in HS than the geek. And he does seem to get jealous when I talk about HS, which is a rarity, and I wouldn't say I was super popular but I did have a lot of friends.
So he resents the things I did, which most kids did. Like hang out with friends all the time, in my 20s, going to lots of shows and clubs...
I wish I could go back to HS and NOT hang out so much. I wish I had been more serious. I got decent grades, but I could have done better but I put my friends above everything else. My mom had to work all the time to support 3 girls, so she wasn't around to really give me lots of rules and guidelines.
Sometimes he'll say 'you would never have looked at me in HS." He has said that more than once.
I'm like 'guys like you never talked to me in HS.'
It's the whole, the grass is always greener thing I guess.
He is a neat freak. Not quite OCD, but borderline. I mean, I have zero qualifications to say that but I've said that to him before in jest. He doesn't go around wiping door knobs but yesterday he was organizing things in the kitchen, I said please stop.
I actually said, now that I am cleaning more you are going to run out of things to clean and then what are you going to do?
And this morning, he was doing laundry and in a way to express displeasure. Like walking loudly and sighing heavily. He has this drawer, now sorry, we've been together for 7 years and I never knew what he was doing. So I asked him this morning. Turns out, it's his dirty laundry. Which is weird because he insists everyone put dirty clothes directly in the washer. No hampers. So this morning he says "it's kinda like a hamper and I do it because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done." I said "well how can I even do it, if I don't know it's there because it's in a drawer."
And I added that I can tell when he's unhappy about something and he needs to just talk to me and stop stomping around and exhaling loudly. I said, I get it when you do this you are unhappy about something but I don't know what it is. I'm not a mind reader.
So I just read some of my old posts because sometimes I get embarrassed about my posts and then I don't want to look at the responses. I was so happy that it was all positive and constructive criticism. Sometimes I feel I overshare and then get embarrassed. You guys have heard more about my life than people actually in my life, it feels weird.
Someone suggested Al-Anon and I think that would be a great idea. I think he wants to talk it out. See, I am almost worried, because I will be hearing the past from someone who was sober, that it was worst than what I remember. I know I never cheated or got drunk in a bar. I did my drinking mainly at home. There were times I took booze with me but I never went to a bar, never drank with anyone. In the past, about 2 years, I have not taken booze out with me and by out with me, I mean in a coffee mug, poured in an empty diet pepsi can or mixed with diet pepsi.
But I might have to hear about how bad a mom or wife I was. He said this morning he's had to do everything for a long time. I'm sure he has. But he holds everything in and then periodically will explode and I hate that and I told him that. I said if we need to see a therapist that's fine because I live in fear of your explosions.
He's usually apologetic the next day but the cause was probably all the pressure of carrying so much weight, which was my fault. So then it's weird that he was apologizing.
It's weird because he grew up in a pretty normal household and didn't want for anything and did well in school...so I've never understood his inferiority complex. I think he's said he would have preferred to be the popular jock in HS than the geek. And he does seem to get jealous when I talk about HS, which is a rarity, and I wouldn't say I was super popular but I did have a lot of friends.
So he resents the things I did, which most kids did. Like hang out with friends all the time, in my 20s, going to lots of shows and clubs...
I wish I could go back to HS and NOT hang out so much. I wish I had been more serious. I got decent grades, but I could have done better but I put my friends above everything else. My mom had to work all the time to support 3 girls, so she wasn't around to really give me lots of rules and guidelines.
Sometimes he'll say 'you would never have looked at me in HS." He has said that more than once.
I'm like 'guys like you never talked to me in HS.'
It's the whole, the grass is always greener thing I guess.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Originally Posted by soberjuly 
I told him this morning when I realized, it wasn't just the kids, it was him, he is a trigger.
.
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You certainly did a lot of research and compiled quite a list of issues that you have with your husband, perhaps you could go back through and see if any of them are at all related to your perception or actions?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I could have written a similar list and probably did earlier on in sobriety. I did go to counseling and I tried to get him to go. He told me it was all me. Now, after a year of sobriety I can look back in retrospect and see that... he was pretty much right. It was mostly me, my drinking, my expectations, gripes and complaints. Is he perfect? Heck no. But I couldn't see just how much I had hurt our relationship that early on.
My advice is to take it easy before letting yourself get too upset over these kinds of things... just realize that you're waking up to what is actually going on in your life and relationships, and you're going to find faults and want things to be better. It takes some time
Hang in there.
My advice is to take it easy before letting yourself get too upset over these kinds of things... just realize that you're waking up to what is actually going on in your life and relationships, and you're going to find faults and want things to be better. It takes some time
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Maybe look at yourself. I know in early sobriety and even now to some extent I look to blame everyone and everything around me for how I am feeling. The problem really is me. It's so raw and prominent in early sobriety when we haven't got the alcohol to crush our feelings.
Cut your husband some slack. He has been there for you and your children when you were drinking. It is hard for those around us. give it time.
Cut your husband some slack. He has been there for you and your children when you were drinking. It is hard for those around us. give it time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Dracut,MA
Posts: 78
I think this is the time in AA when the people who have been around a while say "Just focus on yourself right now" and "don't try to take anyone else's inventory".
I was at an AA meeting a month or 2 ago and this girl next to me was playing with her phone the entire time. It was distracting to me and others around, and rude to people speaking. I was talking to an elder at AA about it and he said "Just worry about yourself. There's nothing you can do about other people". I let that soak in. It's true what they say and I will be a lot happier when I just take care of what I can and that's the way I keep trying to think. I am focusing on correcting the ways I react to things because that is what drove me to drink - ME !
I've done the sighing and stomping thing myself. In fact I did it the other night. But I realized it and pulled myself in. Everybody probably does it, but your husband is probably not working on his recovery - we are If you could just go about your business and focus on that and try to ignore what he is doing, you may feel better - I know I do. This is all stuff that the folks in AA speak of and it works ! Who better to guide us than other drunks who have figured it out for themselves ?
I was at an AA meeting a month or 2 ago and this girl next to me was playing with her phone the entire time. It was distracting to me and others around, and rude to people speaking. I was talking to an elder at AA about it and he said "Just worry about yourself. There's nothing you can do about other people". I let that soak in. It's true what they say and I will be a lot happier when I just take care of what I can and that's the way I keep trying to think. I am focusing on correcting the ways I react to things because that is what drove me to drink - ME !
I've done the sighing and stomping thing myself. In fact I did it the other night. But I realized it and pulled myself in. Everybody probably does it, but your husband is probably not working on his recovery - we are
If you could just go about your business and focus on that and try to ignore what he is doing, you may feel better - I know I do. This is all stuff that the folks in AA speak of and it works ! Who better to guide us than other drunks who have figured it out for themselves ?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
Everything isn't your fault because you had a drinking problem and it could be that you're noticing more things people do to bother you because you can't drink them away anymore. Part of becoming sober for me meant paying more attention to other people's behavior and deciding what I wouldn't put up with from them anymore
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Soberjuly, I would work on you, just you. I don't think you should have expectations of your husband and I don't think you should encourage him to change. Those are decisions that he should make, if he feels he wants to. Your triggers are something you need to deal with, I get that. I had a similar situation and what helped me was to accept that I had caused the problems and I would have to fix what I could. I changed some things and accepted other things and I made peace with my family.
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