Looking for the courage

Old 08-06-2014, 09:41 AM
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Looking for the courage

I have been separated from AW for 2 1/2 weeks. I told her I needed time and she hasn't given me space at all. Still calling family everyday and in the voicemail she left my mom on Sunday, she was clearly drunk.
I am staying at my moms for the time being and she woke me up at 2:30 because AW called from the hospital, she went in for pain and anxiety or something. She keeps saying she wants closure as to what I'm going to decide with relationship. I don't see us having a future together and have been feeling that way since I left. I wanted to give it time and let things unfold naturally but I think the time has come to have that talk with her. Maybe this is the time I needed to figure it out, but I guess I had hope for her to recognize the problem and get better. Needing the courage to have that talk and pray it goes somewhat smoothly and we am talk like adults.
I have been regaining my life back, connecting with old friends, spending time with family and just spun stuff for me. I don't want to go back to what my life was becoming before we split. Thanks guys.
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:44 AM
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I am glad to hear you want your life back, you deserve that!

I don't think you are doing yourself or her any favors by dragging it out. She clearly has not found her bottom, and honestly, she may not. It's up to her to take care of her.

Good luck to you!!
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:51 AM
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Yep--if she is acting like this, she sure isn't done drinking yet.

I'm very sorry Hockeyerik and I send you strength and support.

One idea might be to talk with her with a therapist present?
I would be careful meeting her somewhere alone since she doesn't sound stable at the moment.
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:53 AM
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I imagine the dynamic is a bit different when you're a man, and it's your wife who is the alcoholic. I know after I left my ex, I couldn't meet with him and talk with him about anything, because he still had such strong control over me. If I had met him and talked, he would have talked me into returning and trying again. I imagine -- and from what I've heard from other guys in your situation -- that for a man, it's less about control and more about guilt?

Either way -- do you feel comfortable that you can handle that talk with her without succumbing to her pleas to take you back? If not, do you have a pastor or other trusted friend who could sit in on the talk with you? A therapist?

You sound very strong and determined, but I know that emotions can play a trick on your mind. And I agree with Hopeful -- you do deserve to move on with your life.
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:53 AM
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Yeah, that's how I look at it. I feel like maybe it would be better for her and me if we weren't expecting anything of each other. Not easy though.
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:55 AM
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It's never easy. But knowing what you want out of life, and being able to state that and go after it -- that's a really good start.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:00 AM
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Guilt is definitely there for me. Especially because of the relationship I developed with my step daughter.
She has no real friends, she has treated them all the same way she treated me and they all had enough, it seems to be her pattern. She doesn't trust anybody. The only thing I can think to do is talk to her on the phone about it and gauge if it would even be safe to meet her in person. She has thrown things at me in the past so from what I hear it can always escalate from there.
I just know that the marriage I wanted is not possible with her now or ever. It's sad and I am grieving that at the moment. Thanks for the replies.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:06 AM
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Yay for you!! Totally not something I've been good at doing, but I would set a boundary ie no relationship without a real serious recovery program. Don't let her pressure you. The ball is in your court. "Getting them sober" (fabulous book) says it's really hard to lose an A so don't worry about her magically changing and leaving. It's a manipulation tactic. Now, if I could follow my own advice.......
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:11 AM
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Yep- feel your pain Hockeyerik. Guilt is big... but so is denying yourself the happiness you (and all of us) deserve! Many say you shouldn't make any rash decisions early on in a separation. But, I think if you read alot of posts here, you'll see that many of us started just like you and every time you think "it couldn't get any worse, and maybe with a little more time and she/he will turn it around..." you'll find that it ALWAYS gets worse. Especially for the alcoholics that say, "I can do it myself", which IMO is most of them. Not to be cavalier, but my advice? RUN. You have 8 months of marriage invested. Yes, significant emotional attachments for sure, but you haven't built your life around this relationship, nor should you. I know that sounds harsh, and yes, some alcoholics do regain control of their lives (though I don't know of any), but this is an un-Godly, relentless and destructive disease, the power of which I've only begun to appreciate. I have 24 years of marriage to grieve whenever my AW signs the papers- nearly half a lifetime of pain and guilt for me- but like someone on this forum said once, "when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you know it's time to go". I'm there now, and trust me, you'll get there eventually.

Take care of yourself. Best wishes to you.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:46 AM
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When you wrote “I wanted a little space and some time to figure things out and let things unfold naturally” I thought of myself. I always thought “if the time came” he would understand and it would be all nice and fair and reasonable. And he would know I did everything I could and it was just time to part ways. And we would both cry, and hug, and I thought once the dust settled we would be great friends.

I was really nice in the beginning (when I say beginning I’m talking the last 60 days) and I tried to be reasonable and communicative and the more he does not get what he wants the uglier he has gotten. Had I known years ago that it would end this way I would have left a long time ago. What would be the point in staying??? Even after all of the crap he put me through he always recognized me as being “the one he trusted, loved the most, etc. etc.” Yea ok. I thought he was the “I love you enough to let you go” type. Not.

I stayed for all of the reasons most people do. Someone here said to me, it was either honeypig or hopeful when I was in nice mode, “you could give him an arm and a leg to boot and you will still be the blame for everything” or something like that.

If your experience is anything like mine your “normie” approach will not work. No matter how hard you try. Been there, am there, and will soon have the t-shirt. If you are going to do it, DO IT and do it fast like a train because chances are she is going to spin you around the dance floor until you are so dizzy you can’t think straight.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:51 AM
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Erik, Read your posts here again. To me it is pretty evident from the beginning that you wanted to end this marriage. Giving things time is not likely to change your heart. And let's face it, your AW is not giving you time - she is trying to push the issue in her favor.

Nothing has to be resolved today, but the answer might be in your writings here.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:56 AM
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Thanks guys! It's a tough place to be Woodman, the disease is brutal and there is nothing we can do but watch and take the abuse until we are fed up. When I left, I think that was it for me. The courage it took to leave went against all of my old habits of people pleasing and not wanting to disappoint. I pretty much knew then the relationship was terminally broken, or I would have stayed.
Meggem- I too have gotten caught in the delusion of " oh we can be friends". I know that's not possible because she treats her friends like crap too. I guess what I'm most afraid of is the conversation being completely irrational and dragging on for much longer than it needs to. Maybe she will surprise me but that's not her pattern. Since nothing is in my name the process of divorce should be easy as far as proceedings go. It's really that I have no interest in talking to her and hearing all of the pity party stuff that I know she will throw at me. Thanks again.
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Old 08-06-2014, 11:00 AM
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Thanks codejob. The answer is here. I guess what I'm doing is moving myself into the stage where I am ready for that convo. It's a different emotional level for me than just waiting to see what happens. It will be difficult but it's what I want. I have already landed on my feet and ready to move on with me and my life.
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Old 08-06-2014, 11:48 AM
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Mine has no friends either. He never initiated any friendships and the ones he had were no good because of some harm they caused him. I started adding to/developing a new network of friends through my 5 year old – mom friends, soccer friends, church friends, etc. He was welcome to join, but never did. The conversation will get irrational and will drag on wayyyy longer than it needs to. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you. You are awesome – leaving after 8 months you are doing the right thing. I wish I left a long time ago.
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Old 08-06-2014, 12:16 PM
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It's always about past wrongs with them when it comes to others. Which is why it makes no sense why she is clinging so tightly to me since I wronged her by leaving. Can't waste my time trying to figure out the thought process though, cause there isn't one. Thanks meg
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Old 08-06-2014, 12:27 PM
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Dude, I have been separated for 3 years now and just starting the divorce. Based on my experience I would go no contact, take as much time as you need to make the decision and if you decide to end the marriage let your lawyer do the talking.

She is still trying to play the guilt card with me. Problem is I'm done playing cards.

Your friend,
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Old 08-06-2014, 12:35 PM
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The good news is I don't think I need a lawyer. AZ is a no fault state and nothing is in my name and no kids. I can fill out the papers and file tomorrow if I wanted to and it costs like $350. It's just a matter of how long I want to be legally tied to this person.
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