involved

So RingABF has bought me airfare to visit him in a few weeks. The co dependent part of me is looking forward to it and there is plenty of magical thinking on both sides of the street. But in reality I know anything could happen, and this could be just another disaster. A thing that bothers me is that he tells his family half truths (which are whole lies) about fights we have had to make me always look the bad guy...so that he looks good (in his own self centered mind probably)! So anyways this morning he brings up that he still hasnt told anyone that I am coming to visit. Which imedietly think (and react to) that he is scared embarrassed because they are of the uneducated opinion that I am a lunatic who they have advised him several times to stay away from! So this whole al anon thing gets me so confused...should I just let this behavior go? Is it projecting to feel like this behavior will continue? And if it does should I even care because what other people think of me is none of my business? Or is this just emotional abuse and I should just say that if at this point he still cant be honest with God himself and another human being that there is no reason for me to go visit. This is his **** and I dont need to go visit, and play a part in it. He should come clean to his family so that I can hold my head high....

As far as I know his last slip was in December. He has a sponsor but I feel like he is happy to be sober at this point and still hasnt fully bought into recovery...but thats me judging...I know it aint easy to change!

lillamy

What are you hoping to get out of going? What are your expectations?

I would probably say an addict who doesn't come clean but blames you for things gone wrong in front of other people -- yeah, you're probably right; he might be sober but he might not have understood yet that recovery is something different.

Does it matter to you that nobody knows you're coming? Are you going to have to hang out with his relatives?

involved

Well I guess I have "normal" expectations and hope to go and have a good time. He has planned dinners and camping and hikes and ls very much looking forward to a vacation with me. And that is what I would hope to get out of it. BUT we are not "normal"... No I do not have to spend time with the family, and have actually refused to visit his sister in the past, because she and her sons have been unwelcoming, rude and they actually ignored me! So I refuse to spend my valuable vaca time in that way. So I guess I am wondering if I am being controlling in having expectations of him to clear up my name... Probably huh? He would prefer to handle things by "letting things go" which I feel translates into denial... And I have a long ways to go in practicing the are of detatchment...I learned to fight back as a means of self protection.

lillamy

If you don't have to see them -- maybe it doesn't matter right now what lies he has told them? Maybe it's more important to see what shape he is in, to spend time with him and figure out where you're going?

I totally agree that long-term, if you are staying together, I would want him to come clean to his family about the lies he has told about you. But you're not there yet, right?

involved

That makes sence Amy. Thanks. Sometimes I get into that place where I want it yesterday. So in my heart yeah, I want long term because I love Dr Jeckle because he is a good man, but in my mind I know we still have to survive the cure for Mr Hyde...and then there is me to deal with...