trifecta

It's like a metaphor, only seriously, I found the little buggers all over my kitchen floor last night. I'm beginning to think God wants me out of the house.

I've posted on this forum before, but recently created a new profile for privacy reasons as my AH and I are going through a divorce. Last night, after dealing with the maggot infestation, I got an email from my AH and the lawyer his parents have hired. My in-laws have offered to "buy out" my interest in our townhome. The idea would be to rent it back to me and my small children (4 and 6) for a year, after which time I'd be on my own and in need of a rental. My husband would swap the townhome for something closer to his work.

I have a strong, emotional connection to the townhouse, which is something my husband lacks. I also feel like the situation is unjust. It was my AH who overdosed on crystal meth when he was supposed to be watching my kids! It was my AH who only lasted 11 days in rehab, and then started an emotional affair with a 20 year-old co-worker! I know I played a part, mainly in meeting addiction with co-dependency for 20 years, but the unfairness of the whole thing just makes me cry. I have two little kids, and a job that pays poorly so I can spend time with them. He has wealthy parents who will take care of him no matter how bad his addiction gets. (In theory he's sober, but I just don't think a sober person enters into an emotional affair right after getting out of rehab, and immediately after moving out he signed up for a bunch of internet dating services, which also sucks.)

We had been trying to settle the divorce with just a paralegal and a financial planner, but now of course I have to hire an attorney of my own. In the aftermath of my AH's overdose, we spent through most of our savings (on couples counseling, natch!) so paying for an attorney will be a genuine hardship. My AH's parents are very wealthy, and they have hired this lawyer ostensibly to help me and the kids stay in the house for another year, but as far as I can tell won't agree to a home equity loan or other option that would allow us to stay without losing title.

The lawyer pointed out that sometimes attorneys are needed to avoid damaging relationships when emotions are high, but I feel like my in-laws have all the money already, and now they have a lawyer, and I'm just out gunned. I can't really afford an attorney on my own, and frankly can't afford a two-bedroom apartment for me and my kids in the area where we live, especially since rents have been increasing 10-15% every year for the past year or two.

I'm beginning to think God wants me out of my house. Since my AH's overdose, and my discovery of his affair, I've started to look for messages from God in everything. Usually, I just hear God's voice in meetings and in Al-Anon literature, but I am really starting to think that the maggot infestation and the email "introducing" me to my AH's lawyer are a sign that I should just give up the house and try to start over. It's especially difficult because I have always thought of my in-laws as my parents. Coming from an alcoholic home, I really believed they were the family I never had. And now, they've hired a lawyer to try to take what I consider to be my house.

I realize this is probably a cognitive distortion, or whatever, but I feel completely powerless (hello, step one!) and under attack. I'm meeting with my therapist this afternoon, and there's a meeting at noon I can go to, but I'm a mess. I have an appointment with a lawyer on the 13th. I'm just so deep in grief I can't even see straight.

Anyway, thanks in advance for your love and support. Sorry to dump on y'all but it's been a really rough 12-18 hours. Things will get better, but I'm not there yet.

hopeful4

Have you checked with Legal Aide in your area, you may qualify for their help? Also, do you know any attorneys? I know here there are some local attorneys who are truly kind souls who offer pro-bono work to those truly in a bad situation. It would be worth beating the bushes to find out!

I am sorry. Please check around and see what help you can get!

Hawkeye13

You do realize that anybody can read postings on this site if they are not a member?

I know who you are already and I recall you were a lawyer yourself making good money--

Glad to hear you are losing Mr. Rubber-band snapper but don't think this forum is
a "safe place" as he could easily read your postings as a non-member, I'm sorry to say.






Just want to give you a heads-up

HHTexas

I'm no legal expert, but I'm almost sure I've heard of situations where the spouse pays for attorneys for both parties. Does your job have an EAP? If you work a big company, even if it's retail/part time, I bet they do. Usually posted in the break room and it's completely confidential and a free consultation.

lillamy

Wow. That's difficult.

I'm just trying to put myself in your situation and yes, the maggots in the kitchen may just be a good symbol for the whole house situation.

Here's how I'm thinking about it: If you are renting from your inlaws, they will continue to have power over you. It will be hard for you to say "no, I don't want my ex having a key and coming over and seeing the kids whenever he wants to." It will be hard for you to build a new life with them as landlords. I think that would be my biggest concern.

When I left my ex, I moved from a really nice house in the good part of town to a really crappy apartment where the kids shared a room and I slept in the living room. There was violence and gang fights in the street outside the building. It was objectively not a GOOD place -- but it was MINE. And that made a tremendous difference for my peace of mind.

My ex also had lots of money backing him in the divorce. I maxed out my credit card and borrowed money to pay for a lawyer. (I'm still paying that lawyer and that debt, four years later). It's a hardship. As long as my ex was in the picture, he was the "fun" dad who took the kids to stuff I couldn't afford, while I was asking them "what do you need most urgently this month, new jeans or new sneakers?" because I couldn't afford both.

One thing that helped me a lot was a friend helping me make a budget. That way, I could see what my expenses were and what I could afford in the way of rent. I cut out everything that wasn't completely necessary. It was tight, but it worked. I was terrified that my kids would choose their father over me because of all the STUFF he could afford that I couldn't. But at the end of the day -- as my therapist had assured me -- they chose the emotionally healthy home over the financially wealthy one.

That's all I've got. No advice on how to proceed, just sharing my story with you.

trifecta

Thanks, Hawkeye. I work for a small non-profit legal publishing company, and currently I do not earn enough to qualify to rent a 2-bedroom apartment on my own. But thanks for the head's up. I didn't put anything in the post that is in dispute, I think. The exterminators will be here tomorrow.
Or is this God telling me to get off SR?
Thanks for the support.

trifecta

I just got a call back from one of the lawyers I contacted, and he's agreed to see me tomorrow. There is a fee-shifting provision in the law where I live, so possibly I can get some help with these fees from my in-laws. It was so reassuring just to talk to someone who isn't all caught up in the drama, and who I can trust to be on my side.

AnvilheadII

just me personally, i'd say no thanks to their offer. no way in hell would i want to have my EX husband's parents as my landlords. i'd work very hard to find other solutions that have me independent and self sufficient........

Thumper

I moved, left my neighborhood, changed schools for my kids, had to move my work office, leave my friends, etc all to make sure I was 100% independent. It was tough but well worth it. No regrets at all.

trifecta

I'm really struggling with this because the situation is triggering my codependent fear of abandonment big time. Hiring my own attorney and refusing the offer to rent back my house requires me to overcome the guilt I feel when I assert myself, and of course my fear of change and lack of trust in myself and others is in overdrive. It's like a crash course on tackling my own co-dependency. (Thanks, HP!) I just wish the kids weren't all caught up in it. I agree it's best to keep them in the home, but how do I achieve this and also avoid a situation that causes my codependency to worsen?

Bullfrog

Kids adjust. Especially at that age. They don't need that townhouse, they need you.

AnvilheadII

even with the rent back agreement, you'd still have to move. sometimes life doesn't give us the chance to get ourselves all straightened out FIRST...there just isn't the time...so we have to suck it up, ACT AS IF, and get through it.

you are dealing with a divorce, no time to piddlefart around, you must be logical and sensible and shrewd. you have small children to look after, so you do what is in THEIR very best interests to secure a happy healthly life. i'm not saying that your feelings are not important, because they are....but when the ship is sinking, you have to get over the whole can't swim thing, put on your life jacket and jump.

redatlanta

Oh gosh yes I realize who your husband is.

You have an appointment with an attorney and that is the person who will guide you here. Its hard to advise what or what not to do as all states are different.

Thing is his parents aren't obligated to give you squat, and apparently will bail out their son no matter what. I gotta laugh a bit here I can't imagine being a 30 something or 40 something and my parents coming in and paying for and directing my divorce. I say good riddance.

Especially since its their grandchildren they feel comfortable with booting our of THEIR home. Nice people.

Bullfrog

Ah yes, just figured out who your husband is. His posts triggered me greatly. Had to stop reading them.

NWGRITS

I wouldn't even want to rent from my in-laws and we're happily married. No way Jose. That's just asking for trouble. And maggots? I'd gtfo faster than you can say "Orkin."