Can someone help me. I'm feeling confused.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Can someone help me. I'm feeling confused.
I’m getting confused. So to recap, the divorce agreement states we both pay half of everything until the house sells. I walked. I didn’t want to, but I had to. He forced me. I had safety concerns. My camp said run and run now. Walk away. You’ll survive. So will he. If he doesn’t, not your problem. Like I have said before, I was very reluctant to do this but every day was getting worse. So I walked. It was safety issue. A big one.
I paid 95% of our marital debt (previously noted I had ulterior motives, I chose the bills that were solely in my name, but it can still be shown that I made efforts if he ever decided to sue me which he won’t).
Yes. I walked out on the mortgage. Bad Meggem. Bad. The house will be listed at the end of the week.
I have not filed for child support yet. The cost for the 2 kids just to exist is $1329.00. That is ONLY daycare and health insurance. That does not include anything else. and it's alot! Just the basics adds up quick!
My half of the mortgage is $750.00. I rarely engage but when I do, I tell him no problem, I will write you a check for $750.00 and you write me a check for $750.00 (just to be smart and prove a point that for now I am supporting his kids). I would almost be willing to take my missing payments and deduct it from any profit we make on the house (which won’t be much) but I don’t trust him enough to put that in a text message.
He texts me every single day harassing me about the mortgage and the AMEX bill. Every day. Constantly. Threatening me. Pretending he has a lawyer (that meeting he had I think was non-existent).
He threatens me with the rest of my stuff (mostly holiday totes that I will be getting this weekend). He is like a bill collector but worse. Cold and empty and angry. Then he throws in other comments and statements. He asks me for things that he can do himself. No he doesn’t ask, he demands. And threatens. As if I am his personal secretary. He is responsible for NOTHING according to his messages. He told me he was changing the locks (I don’t think he did). on and on and on. Taking the kids out of daycare, all of this quacking. Sometimes I believe him, or I think about believing him and it gets my brain screwed up. Then I kick myself for thinking about believing him.
Last night I got a text message from him indicating suicide (he’s done this before). “I’m in a really dark place. Not sure where I will end up, tell the girls I will be watching them from wherever I am. They will always be in my heart” blah blah. I knew he was full of it but just in case, I did call his Dad to pass on the news. He sent a few more texts, he is so sorry, so sad, crying, alone in the house. For a minute I felt bad for him. I am a human being.
This morning I wake up to more demands and him telling me to take responsibility for myself for once in my life and not to be a deadbeat (I am very responsible and certainly not a deadbeat). He’s back on the “when can I expect payment, please send a check with the kids this weekend.” And here I felt bad for him. I wasted 20 minutes on the phone with his dad.
He is relentless and will not stop and I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if this is harassment or if he is just a jerk. I can’t threaten to change my phone number because I think by law he has to have it for the kids. Besides I don’t want to change my number.
Can someone tie this up for me and reel me in??? I’m just not sure what to do with all of this. I feel unorganized about it.
I paid 95% of our marital debt (previously noted I had ulterior motives, I chose the bills that were solely in my name, but it can still be shown that I made efforts if he ever decided to sue me which he won’t).
Yes. I walked out on the mortgage. Bad Meggem. Bad. The house will be listed at the end of the week.
I have not filed for child support yet. The cost for the 2 kids just to exist is $1329.00. That is ONLY daycare and health insurance. That does not include anything else. and it's alot! Just the basics adds up quick!
My half of the mortgage is $750.00. I rarely engage but when I do, I tell him no problem, I will write you a check for $750.00 and you write me a check for $750.00 (just to be smart and prove a point that for now I am supporting his kids). I would almost be willing to take my missing payments and deduct it from any profit we make on the house (which won’t be much) but I don’t trust him enough to put that in a text message.
He texts me every single day harassing me about the mortgage and the AMEX bill. Every day. Constantly. Threatening me. Pretending he has a lawyer (that meeting he had I think was non-existent).
He threatens me with the rest of my stuff (mostly holiday totes that I will be getting this weekend). He is like a bill collector but worse. Cold and empty and angry. Then he throws in other comments and statements. He asks me for things that he can do himself. No he doesn’t ask, he demands. And threatens. As if I am his personal secretary. He is responsible for NOTHING according to his messages. He told me he was changing the locks (I don’t think he did). on and on and on. Taking the kids out of daycare, all of this quacking. Sometimes I believe him, or I think about believing him and it gets my brain screwed up. Then I kick myself for thinking about believing him.
Last night I got a text message from him indicating suicide (he’s done this before). “I’m in a really dark place. Not sure where I will end up, tell the girls I will be watching them from wherever I am. They will always be in my heart” blah blah. I knew he was full of it but just in case, I did call his Dad to pass on the news. He sent a few more texts, he is so sorry, so sad, crying, alone in the house. For a minute I felt bad for him. I am a human being.
This morning I wake up to more demands and him telling me to take responsibility for myself for once in my life and not to be a deadbeat (I am very responsible and certainly not a deadbeat). He’s back on the “when can I expect payment, please send a check with the kids this weekend.” And here I felt bad for him. I wasted 20 minutes on the phone with his dad.
He is relentless and will not stop and I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if this is harassment or if he is just a jerk. I can’t threaten to change my phone number because I think by law he has to have it for the kids. Besides I don’t want to change my number.
Can someone tie this up for me and reel me in??? I’m just not sure what to do with all of this. I feel unorganized about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Can someone you trust communicate on your behalf? Have them handle all communication between him and you that is necessary regarding bills, kids, selling house? All of the quackery can be left out when they summarize what you need to know.
Hugs Meg.
Hugs Meg.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Would you be willing to get an attorney to have everything written out and agreed upon through the courts? That way someone neutral can make the decisions and be fair.. it would handle everything. . Marital, child support, custody, etc...You won't have to communicate with him at all.. I went through this with my son's father and it continued until we got court orders in place... I would definitely not allow him to dictate what he thinks should be, because no matter what you do, he's always goin to keep changing and demanding things just to aggravate you.. If it's done legally you won't have to deal with him one on one and eventually after everything is finalized you can move forward with less stress
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
You are in the worst stage right now, from my limited experience. You haven't been gone and in recovery (get thee to Al Anon) long enough for the FOG to dissipate, and your self esteem about your decision making is shot. You just left and it's finally hitting your addict... so his quacking towards you is at an all time high.
He is full of BS right now. Things are about to come crashing down hard upon him, because you are done holding up the fragments of the mess, and he is certainly in no state to do it.
Ignore it as much as you can. Be prepared to let it all come crashing down. Do not rescue. Take care of you and your kids.
He is full of BS right now. Things are about to come crashing down hard upon him, because you are done holding up the fragments of the mess, and he is certainly in no state to do it.
Ignore it as much as you can. Be prepared to let it all come crashing down. Do not rescue. Take care of you and your kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
If he has an attorney, you'll be hearing FROM his attorney. I read it all as quacking - ALLLLLLLLLL of it. He just keeps shifting tactics is all - as soon as one method doesn't yield results (demanding) he switches to another (threatening) and another (bargaining) and another (pity) and...... you get the idea.
So what's happening? YOU are spinning in mental circles chasing the crap he is throwing at you. HE is spending all his time looking for more ways to run you in circles & zero time solving his problems or looking for solutions.
Do you have an attorney at this point? If it were me, I'd put all eyes on protecting myself & my kids.... financially, security-wise, emotionally. Let your lawyer guide you legally, document his behavior, keep every shred of evidence, prioritize therapy or counseling of whatever sort fits you best, take a yoga class
. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, he'll eventually wear himself out - but you will have made PROGRESS with the same amount of time. More will continue to be revealed & things will keep changing during this process.
Using a 3rd party is a good idea, but what makes him abide by that? If you still have the same contact info & aren't blocking his number his intrusions will continue to bother you unless you find a way to stop reacting. (which is REALLY hard when al of this is new & just happening, I know!)
So what's happening? YOU are spinning in mental circles chasing the crap he is throwing at you. HE is spending all his time looking for more ways to run you in circles & zero time solving his problems or looking for solutions.
Do you have an attorney at this point? If it were me, I'd put all eyes on protecting myself & my kids.... financially, security-wise, emotionally. Let your lawyer guide you legally, document his behavior, keep every shred of evidence, prioritize therapy or counseling of whatever sort fits you best, take a yoga class
. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, he'll eventually wear himself out - but you will have made PROGRESS with the same amount of time. More will continue to be revealed & things will keep changing during this process.Using a 3rd party is a good idea, but what makes him abide by that? If you still have the same contact info & aren't blocking his number his intrusions will continue to bother you unless you find a way to stop reacting. (which is REALLY hard when al of this is new & just happening, I know!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
I agree with all the advice so far. Don't let his empty threats get to you. You know that things will turn out roughly even if this goes in front of a judge.
The only other thing I would add is to keep a spreadsheet of the costs you're paying for the kids. And keep receipts too. That may come in handy down the road.
Hugs and hang in there. You are doing the right thing.
The only other thing I would add is to keep a spreadsheet of the costs you're paying for the kids. And keep receipts too. That may come in handy down the road.
Hugs and hang in there. You are doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First off, you need to have an attorney and a custody agreement. Then you need all communication not regarding the children to go through said attorney. Any demands he has, etc....QUACK. That way if he does threaten you he has to do it through the attorney or by text in which case you can prove it when you go get a restraining order. It may come to that. I know you don't want it to, but it may.
If he makes suicidal remarks call the police. It will do one of two things. Get him help if he needs it at that moment, or it will make him see you mean business and are not going to fall for the quacking.
I am sorry. I know you don't want it to go this way, but he is not a stable person around you. Don't fall for any threats and for goodness sakes, file so you have a custody agreement and a child support order. It's not a free ride, he HAS to support his children, he won't have a choice on that.
Hugs. Stay Calm. Breathe. It's one moment at a time, one thing at a time.
If he makes suicidal remarks call the police. It will do one of two things. Get him help if he needs it at that moment, or it will make him see you mean business and are not going to fall for the quacking.
I am sorry. I know you don't want it to go this way, but he is not a stable person around you. Don't fall for any threats and for goodness sakes, file so you have a custody agreement and a child support order. It's not a free ride, he HAS to support his children, he won't have a choice on that.
Hugs. Stay Calm. Breathe. It's one moment at a time, one thing at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Here is what I would suggest.
First get an attorney. Get the ball rolling on legal child support.
Second pay your share of the bills as you can after you pay for food, shelter, clothing, and daycare for your kids. When you pay a bill - write the check to the creditor, not him.
Third - try and ignore him. It will save your sanity. You have zero obligation to respond to him.
You can have anything written into your divorce petition so things that are 'owed' one way or another can be paid with the profit from the sale of the house or other assets etc.
First get an attorney. Get the ball rolling on legal child support.
Second pay your share of the bills as you can after you pay for food, shelter, clothing, and daycare for your kids. When you pay a bill - write the check to the creditor, not him.
Third - try and ignore him. It will save your sanity. You have zero obligation to respond to him.
You can have anything written into your divorce petition so things that are 'owed' one way or another can be paid with the profit from the sale of the house or other assets etc.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Also, if he is making suicide threats, save those texts, because that will hold up big in court in a custody hearing.. He is unfit and unstable, nobody in their right mind would allow him visitations.. Supervised visits would be more fitting...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I have an attorney. I have a child custody agreement. But I had to wait until he signed the initial divorce before I file for child support because when he signed the papers he was waving any right to spousal support from me (lawyer suggested we do it in this order). Keeping reciepts for the kids is a great idea. maybe I will change my ring tone for his texts so I know it's him and I don't have to look.
Today he is winning.
Today he is winning.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
He's quacking about a lawyer, meanwhile you should get one.
He changes the rules and isn't playing fair. You need to protect yourself and kids.
I agree that all communication should go through lawyer, and all expenses and texts
kept for documentation.
No reason to keep making yourself crazy while he thinks up ways to mess with your head.
Get an appointment today, and get the ball rolling.
He has shown he is not interested in working this out in an adult way
so time to step back and let the system work to protect you and kids.
His choice, not yours.
Hugs
He changes the rules and isn't playing fair. You need to protect yourself and kids.
I agree that all communication should go through lawyer, and all expenses and texts
kept for documentation.
No reason to keep making yourself crazy while he thinks up ways to mess with your head.
Get an appointment today, and get the ball rolling.
He has shown he is not interested in working this out in an adult way
so time to step back and let the system work to protect you and kids.
His choice, not yours.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
LOL FIRE!!!!! I am DEFINTELY going to look for a duck ringtone!
He has the kids this weekend and I do believe I see alanon meeting(s) in my weekend. They will be staying with his parents and I know they are safe with them.
He has the kids this weekend and I do believe I see alanon meeting(s) in my weekend. They will be staying with his parents and I know they are safe with them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem.....when I divorced my children's father, many, many years ago. I went through the same kind of thing.
His world, as he has known it is about to implode...and he is fighting with the o nly weapon that he knows.....verbal assault in hopes of rattling and throwing you off balance.
Detachment is the best tool for maintain your own mental peace-of-mind, right now. And it is not so easy to do when they are "storming the walls". But, try as hard as you humanly can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps, keep your communication to e-mail, only. That steals a lot of his thunder, right there.
I like the idea of the ring tone!!!!!
This is a difficult period...no doubt about it....
It will not last forever, though!!!!
Grow your tough rhino skin. (I had to)
dandylion
His world, as he has known it is about to implode...and he is fighting with the o nly weapon that he knows.....verbal assault in hopes of rattling and throwing you off balance.
Detachment is the best tool for maintain your own mental peace-of-mind, right now. And it is not so easy to do when they are "storming the walls". But, try as hard as you humanly can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps, keep your communication to e-mail, only. That steals a lot of his thunder, right there.
I like the idea of the ring tone!!!!!
This is a difficult period...no doubt about it....
It will not last forever, though!!!!
Grow your tough rhino skin. (I had to)
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
No Meg....today you are winning because you are here, getting support for yourself and prepping yourself for the next steps.
I am sorry, I did not realize you had a custody arrangement, that is great news. In my own situation, before everything was signed off on, that is when the most quacking happened. Tune it out. However, protect yourself as he sounds very unstable.
Tight Hugs!
I am sorry, I did not realize you had a custody arrangement, that is great news. In my own situation, before everything was signed off on, that is when the most quacking happened. Tune it out. However, protect yourself as he sounds very unstable.
Tight Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm with hopeful, and that is exactly what I thought when I read, "Today he is winning."
No, today he has lost his wife, his kid(s) and is about to lose his house and whatever else he is still clinging to against all odds.
You are winning. You are taking the reins of your life and you are methodically working through what needs to be done. Like an Adult!
Also, earlier you said "Bad meggem" about walking away from your house mortgage. Talk to your mortgage holder and explain what is going on and that the house is listed. You are going to be fine financially - tell the mortgage holder. The house will hopefully sell before it becomes an issue. You are not bad. Take the word "bad" right out of your vocabulary: you are strong and protecting yourself and your child(ren) from harm!
No, today he has lost his wife, his kid(s) and is about to lose his house and whatever else he is still clinging to against all odds.
You are winning. You are taking the reins of your life and you are methodically working through what needs to be done. Like an Adult!
Also, earlier you said "Bad meggem" about walking away from your house mortgage. Talk to your mortgage holder and explain what is going on and that the house is listed. You are going to be fine financially - tell the mortgage holder. The house will hopefully sell before it becomes an issue. You are not bad. Take the word "bad" right out of your vocabulary: you are strong and protecting yourself and your child(ren) from harm!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Sorry I had spaced that you had a lawyer
Advice about spousal support was very good so I see now the order of play.
Well, duck ringtone does sound good and dandylions suggestion about text only also excellent.
Hang in there.
How's your new place?
Advice about spousal support was very good so I see now the order of play.
Well, duck ringtone does sound good and dandylions suggestion about text only also excellent.
Hang in there.
How's your new place?
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