Chilledice

That thought right there will keep me sober today

Just expressing my feelings

MelindaFlowers

That is exactly what I was thinking on my first day sober. I could feel my body shutting down. It was the first day that I actually wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

I'm 32 and the thought of dying at 33 or 38 or 42 just did not sit well with me. It really seemed bizarre to me that I was born with a healthy body but was actively killing my body by drinking alcohol.

That's awesome that you are choosing to live.

Chilledice

Im 28 and my liver is burning and ughh don't feel good. Good news is that I can break away from it if I CHOOSE to! I would like to live

MelindaFlowers

I can relate to you. Before I stopped 40 days ago I would I often wonder about the state of my internal organs. I knew it was not good because I could feel pains in several different places including my lower right side, at the top of my rib cage, in my left shoulder, and lower back. Now that I have stopped drinking they have all gone away. It was such a strange cycle to be in, knowing the solution to my pains and problems but not doing anything about it. I knew I could stop drinking but it would always be tomorrow.

You can do this and you can do it today.


I've been sober for 40 days and I don't worry about my health every day anymore. You are young and I'm sure your body can heal if you stop drinking now. 40 days ago I was given the gift of desperation. I went from somebody who could not get one single day for about seven years and now I'm on day 40. I am not getting a head of myself but I can say that I honestly do not want to drink anymore.

Tonymblue

I would feel that same way. Knew i was poisoning myself. Wondering about the damage i was doing. Great job. Stay dry and your body will heal.

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Chilledice!!

IOAA2

The answer is so simple: If we don’t pick up the first drink we don’t have to try to get sober ever AGAIN.

BE WELL

Chilledice

I know that's the answer, im using fear as my motivation to stay sober today

IOAA2

Whatever works for you stick with it.

BE WELL

doggonecarl

Fear and feeling liked warmed-over death is a great incentive to get sober, but a poor recovery plan. Fear (in your case your phobia) is keeping you from seeking the help you need. I can't claim to understand it, it is certainly crippling you. But as bad as it is, it won't kill you...literally. Drinking will.

I hope the fear of dying can get you to overcome your other fear and seek the help and support you need. You've struggled too long with this addiction.

Brauggi

Chilledice,
I feel the exact same way and that has certainly been a motivating factor for me in stopping drinking as well. I am 31 and was told recently that I had a pretty significant blockage in the main artery of my heart. I have a 2 year old and a baby on the way and hearing that definitely made me realize my own mortality. I am sure that genetics played a part in the blockage, but I know alcohol, and the MANY extra pounds I put on, were both huge contributing factors as well.

We never know what can happen in the future, but you know that if you don't drink you know you aren't poisoning your body and your chances of living a healthy and fulfilling life improve exponentially. Keep in mind though that the initial fear can recede and your AV may trick you into thinking everything is okay, so it is a good idea to put a plan in place to make sure you maintain your sobriety.

I am new here, but have been lurking for a while now and your post definitely reminded me of what got me to confront my own drinking too.

Imabuleva

I know the feeling. Been in the hospital twice for withdrawals and it was really bad the second time. And yet I still got drunk again after that... seek professional help, do AA, whatever it takes. I'm doing a combination of the two this time. AA meeting in 3 hours.

hayley86

Chilledice- I was really ill by the time i stopped drinking (sky high liver enzymes, etc) and I'm completely healthy now. My body started to heal and repair itself after a few months of sobriety and i feel great these days. I have accepted and made peace with the fact that i can't drink and i haven't looked back since. I hope you find some help and support to stop drinking because living in a state of fear and panic is utterly exhausting. You can turn all this around. Wishing you well!

Chilledice

Well today has just been awful! Panic attacks , depression etc BUT not one drop of alcohol. I imagined myself in a hospital bed jaundice and dying, yeah that kept me from boozing today!

Thanks for the input you guys :-)

newhope01

I am glad you were able to avoid consuming alcohol today, as you are right, it will very well lead you to suffer a slow and painful death in a hospital bed. However, you really should take doggoncarl's advice about living in fear.

Not only is it exhausting, but it won't remain an effective strategy in helping you maintain your sobriety and ultimately not a good path to recovery. What else are you doing to protect your sobriety and thus life? You deserve to live a life without fear and without alcohol.

Ptcapote

Hi Chilledice, I'm sorry you're having a tough day but it will get better. The further and further away from a drink you get, your system will begin to heal and the anxiety should lessen significantly.

I am also going to second Carl's advice here. Before I quit drinking, I was hospitalized twice with pancreatitis. I hope you have never had this particular side effect of drinking but I do not exaggerate when I say I have never been in more excruciating pain in my life. Like my insides were literally on fire. I prayed for death and I have a very high tolerance for pain. But this pain? No, couldn't do it.

Still. STILL, I went back and drank after six weeks sober. With jacked up blood work, a swollen liver, an inflamed pancreas, fear of death, a good sense of my own mortality, the works. STILL I did it again.

We are not rational people and fear of pain or death will not work long term. I have seen late, late stage alcoholics who are so bloated and in so much pain they can barely move but are still drinking. There really should be something else that helps you through besides fear. As Carl says, you need support. Mental and emotional support. Giving up an addiction means working on more than just your physical health. You have to work on your mental, emotional (and many say spiritual, which I agree with) health as well. It has to be the whole deal. You can do that through various ways, 12 Step and program-based recovery doesn't work for everyone. SR is an awesome method of support and I know plenty of people here who are doing just great with SR only.

But please do consider that the fear will eventually lessen and the addicted part of your brain will begin to make its case again. And, as we all know well, it usually makes a very convincing case indeed.

Stay close and hang on...the crappy anxiety and panic will pass. You're doing awesome.

Thanks for posting about this, great topic!

bunnezjp

Hi Chilledice, I'm 33 and had acute liver failure 3 months ago and almost didn't live. I woke up, my right side hurt like hell, my eye whites weren't so white anymore and I seemed to be packing on some extra fluid. Called my mom to help me to the ER, but not before faceplanting on my driveway trying to get to her car. I spent 2 weeks under intensive care and, miracuously, I am recovering. Its amazing that I pulled through and have all of my faculties intact....at this point I do not qualify for the transplant list. I have never been so grateful for my life and my sobriety. I would have been very cross if I had died on my driveway that day.

Life is worth it

Mountainmanbob

has kept me sober many a day

thank you for sharing that

Bob

MelindaFlowers

How are you doing today Chilled?

anattaboy

Chill, I hope today finds you well. I too felt more like death than life 3 months ago and had for quite some time. I had every late-stage physical symptom and-then-some. I was scared and sick. I started a taper in late may and joined this site at the same time. I managed to stop on june 11th but it was dicey and I credit AVRT and a post by Freshstart57 for giving me the Yes to say No for good. My withdrawals were minimal due to the taper and my physical symptoms are mostly nil (getting blood work done next week). I did tons of research on late stage damage and decided I did not want to continue to drink hoping for death as many do. Sounds like you have made the same choice. Best wishes!