helpimalive

Hi there.

I am 26 years old. I am miserable and depressed and I think every few hours about suicide (though if I was gonna do it, I'd have done it by now, right?), but I’m not sure how much of that has to do with alcohol and how much of that alcohol is my way of alleviating, if that makes sense.

I’ve always been a weak and shy person. If I was an animal in the animal kingdom, I think I'd probably be an ant. Picture me as an ant throughout the rest of this post.

I have a lot of trouble coping with literally everything (which would make sense if I was really an ant), especially human interaction, including online interaction, which scares me almost as much as real-life interaction; I’m wasted right now, to type this.

Alcohol, in the last few years, is just the latest thing I do that I wish I could stop. There are plenty of others. Self-harm, eating too much, avoiding people at all costs, avoiding work at all costs, binge-watching TV shows, using the internet at all hours. I have no talents, hobbies, or redeeming qualities; this isn’t even self-pity, sadly. When you're this pitiful, you don't even need self-pity, you just need mirrors, and it amounts to the same thing. That sounded funny rather than sad before I typed it.

(I read back over my post and I kinda start to ramble here, but I'm too drunk to fix it)
I’m not the alcoholic stereotype who can put their energy into something else once they’ve quit booze. I don’t have that energy. I don’t have that drive to put myself into something. I just have pure and unrelenting pleasure-seeking, pain-avoidance, and self-destruction paired with social anxiety and chronic depression. I'm like a gourmet meal of failure.

Also, I do not fit the alcoholic criteria of “not being able to stop once I’ve started.” That’s just not part of my pattern. It’s more like, can’t not use it to cope if I feel the slightest bit bad. In terms of quantities: I drink daily, 6-8 beers a week night, 12-15 beers a weekend day.

But I’m not an alcoholic—I’m not good enough for that label. I think I’m a person who can’t cope with life and abuses alcohol to make things better.

But I still, like, need to quit alcohol. Especially now that I’ve realized that when I stop drinking, I become even more anxious and depressed than I normally am, which means I’m at least a little psychologically and/or physiologically dependent, which is just the goddamned icing on the alcohol-infused cake. I want to be at ground-zero of my brain chemistry, now that I’m an adult and I recognize that I need ALL KINDS of help and I want to get it. I know that I’ve been less miserable than I am right now—not happy, but less miserable. Like, there was a time when I could laugh at rather than glare at lolcats. And I can’t help but wonder if cutting down on my ever-increasing alcohol consumption could help with that, or at least lay a foundation to help me get over it.

So I was wondering: Are there any resources for people who are in my situation? I’ve tried going to AA meetings, they generally make me drink because everyone there has worse problems than me, have real addictions and traumas, and yet they’re doing better than I’ve ever done. Who wants to help the girl who has a college degree and a chip on her shoulder when they can help the girl whose father abused her? I’ve read the AA literature, it is obviously not about me. There are no other recovery groups that meet in my area, either.

And no need to say therapy and medication, because I intend to start getting that asap, but I don’t have that much money so I’ll only be able to do therapy once a month, and that’s not much, that’s not gonna do it for me, so I need something else. A lot else, actually. If I could go to therapy twice a day, that might work, but since I can't ... I need something.

Also, I have no friends of any kind, so I have no support system. Nor will I be able to get one any time soon, because of my black-belt level social anxiety (and that's understating things; I'm an the level of lonely-person that HOPES my apartment will be burglarized or beset by monsters under the bed, because at least then I wouldn't be alone for a few minutes, so that's fun) and 100% lack of social experiences in my past. So that’s not something I can have, either.

This ******* sucks. Writing it all out like this, I’m in a really bad place. I feel like my situation is hopeless.

If nothing else, maybe someone knows a better website for me to put my sob story on. Like a HumanTrash.com or something.

Kidding. Mostly. Sorry about the downer post.

Dee74

Hi and welcome helpimalive

this is a great resource - please read around and post as much as you like.

The other thing I suggest is consider giving AA another go - you won't be the first person who found their response was to drink, but if you reach out and ask for help, you'll find it.

Don't let your addiction tell you you're not good (or bad) enough to be there.

If you want to explore other meeting based options there are a few alternatives.

here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

penkins

Hello,

Here is a positive. Your long post kept me reading - so you write very well and kept me entertained!!! I'm prob not the one to give advice here. I haven't made it to day 1 of sobriety yet. My empty glass next to me is begging me for a refill. But I can offer this: I hear ya - and from my last 30 minutes on this site - you aren't alone.

Tamerua

For me, I drank because I didn't know how to cope with life. At all. I didn't even drink daily and I still think I am an alcoholic.

If you're willing, try AA again, it helped me when I tried to relate and not compare. Yes, some stories were crazier but when someone would share about their misery and self hatred, I could and can relate. If not AA, then therapy sounds like a great idea. And this board!

Welcome!

ultradad

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, but I am glad you're here and wanted to say welcome. My experience has shown me that I felt a lot like you described at times when I was using, drinking, acting out...whatever I was doing at the time in order to get out of my own head and feel normal or not feel at all. I never really thought I was an alcoholic, but turns out I am, I have the disease of addiction/alcoholism or whatever you wish to call it. I've heard it said that we have a 'thinking disease' and the alcohol abuse is just one of the symptoms...don't judge yourself by others degree of alcohol abuse...the only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking, I think you qualify perfectly.

It got me in the doors and to meetings and now I've been sober 93 days! If I can do this, so can you : ) Pulling for you, don't hesitate to reach out here on SR, we're all here for you and a lot of us have been right where you are!

helpimalive

Thank you! ... And though this might be a weird question, it's one I've considered before: How do you relate and not compare? Can that be learned? That's so fricken hard. It's like walking a tight-rope, when I try it, man, and I always fall off.

VikingGF

Ants can lift 10 times their body weight. I wonder what feats you can perform if you try?

Bet one of them is sobriety!!

Do it!! Welcome to the forum.

diffingo911

Hi, HelpmeI'mAlive...Absolutely EVERYONE in the rooms of AA has used Alcohol as a coping mechanism.

FeelingGreat

hia, you do have the ability to write, and obvious self-awareness and intelligence. If you can stop drinking you'll be taking a very positive step.
It sounds like you're depressed and anxious, and the therapy will help I hope, but it might be worth asking the therapist for some exercises to do during the intervals between sessions. Something like, I will talk to 3 strangers this month, or go to 1 social event and stay 10 minutes; stuff like that. If you can only afford monthly sessions you're going to need work to be going on with.
Apart from that, see if your doctor thinks anti-depressants or anxiety medication would help, at least at the beginning. You're in a bad feedback loop right now, and medication might give you the ability to break out.
There are good courses online you can complete to help yourself. Have a look around and see what's available.
All this is dependent on you giving up drinking, because that just feeds your depression and self-loathing. I've been there too.

Wastinglife

I was a very shy and introverted kid with social anxiety until I discovered booze at 15 and realized that this magic potion made me able and willing to socialize. Like Fez on Big Bang Theory, I could not talk to a girl unless I was drunk. I went on to have a great time in high school and college, tons of friends. Got a great job. Met a girl, moved in together, marriage on the horizon etc.

The problem was, it was all fueled by alcohol pretty much. None of my friends ever saw me completely sober cuz I did not socialize without alcohol. Every girl I dated only saw me drunk too. I hated my life. It wasn't me and I just drank it all away. And I mean everything.

I am sober now at 37. Completely alone in life. Outside of my crummy job, the only person I have regular contact with is my therapist. But, I have never been happier in my life!! For the first time, I am taking the time to focus on finding who the f*** I am. I lost my career, money, and most possessions, but my self-esteem is higher than it's ever been.

Sometimes, you just gotta say "F*** it!". Blow it all up and start over from scratch. I am starting a whole new life. Sober, yes, but more importantly, a fulfilling and happy one. I don't even like most of my old friends now that I am sober haha.

Anyway, I thought your post was honest and heartfelt. And a dark but amusing sense of humour.

I think your first step is to cut the booze. Clear your head for a while. I was a miserable bastard when I was drinking. I couldnt even bathe let alone make life decisions.

Get sober and see what happens.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, helpimalive! It's good to have you with us. We have all been in your shoes. I started out drinking because I felt it helped bring me out of my shell in social situations. But after decades of drinking the "cure" became much worse than the "disease".

IOAA2

Hi and welcome. When I first went to AA meetings I would say this or that never happened to me the response would be, YET, Your Eligible To.
That was described as comparing. When someone says or posts something about their feelings or experiences and you felt them also or did the same thing I was told that’s identification. At meetings when someone is describing a situation or feeling and heads are bobbing yes it’s a sign of a lot of identification.

BE WELL

Gilmer

"Gourmet meal of failure"--that's really funny! You are very witty!

AA sounds like a good idea.

Definitely hang around here and read up. There are all kinds of people here. We're all addicts of something, and many people start out very depressed. It is interesting to read other people's threads--often we can identify, and it gets us out of our own heads for awhile.

There have been a lot of people on here who have given me hope--and plenty of people have brought me real joy.

You have the potential to be a real joy-giver--"gourmet meal of failure!"

I'll bet not forever!

Tamerua

It can be hard. Especially when people share their war stories. But I try to listen to what they're not saying... How they felt trapped by their drinking, how they hated life or questioned their sanity. That is in all of those stories. And then the solution.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

helpimalive

Hey, I never said thank you to all the people who replied to this drunken nonsense I posted last week. Thank you guys.

I've been trying to get a day down. I know, that's pretty lame. But I did it today! So, I felt like that gave me my ticket to post here again.

I just want to have seven days sober six days from now. Like, that's my goal in life at this moment.

I should, uh, probably feel worse about that than I do. But since there have been times when literally my only goal in life at a given moment was to obtain and consume Budweiser products, I'm gonna have to rule that this is really not so bad.

bluehour

That's a great start!

I started with 'til Friday. 5 days.
Then I wanted to see if I could get through the weekend. 7.
Then I said screw it, a month. 30 days is tomorrow.

I have decided " I will never drink again" literally at least 100 times. Said it out loud at least 20 +. In my serious voice lol. That didn't work out for me.

I am not saying this will be/should be your path, but it has worked for me so far. I just don't know what milestone I will pick tomorrow. 100 days?

It all feels so much different now. My anxiety is almost gone, but my depression still lingers. Barely. I can recognize it now. I started painting again, and bought new supplies to treat myself with.

I am sure you are good at something.

You just have to remember what it is.

silentrun

Welcome helpiamalive. Awesome username.

helpimalive

Said it out loud XD That's hilarious. I've personally thought it furiously and with great gravity like two dozen times. Sometimes while looking myself in the mirror. Like. If the moment is enough like a novel or a memoir, maybe it'll take.

Yeah Ariel, absolutely, that's how it works. Super thinking.

Anyway the milestone idea is probably how I'm gonna start ... I just want to see how I feel at certain amounts of time sober, to see if I feel differently about stuff in general. Yeah. Yep. That's the plan.

Getting to 30 days is great, by the way!

helpimalive

Thanks! I take no credit. It's the title of and a lyric from a song by the band Metric. :p